I hate my life right now.

This isn’t OCD related so I’m sorry, but I don’t know another platform like this where I can talk to other people and actually get responses. OCD has been a huge fucking setback for me in life. I had to drop classes, wasn’t able to do things, and just felt so shitty all the time because of it. I feel like I blame OCD for everything I’m not. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Just today I saw someone I once knew and felt all of those feelings I used to have that made me miserable. Anyways, I tried taking my driver’s test a couple days ago but I wasn’t able to. The DMV only accepted cash. I felt upset but it was whatever. I’m almost 19, and I don’t have a driver’s license. So passing it would mean a lot to me. I compare myself to others my age; they have cars, hobbies, friends, go to college, etc… I don’t have any of that. Maybe comparing myself and all of that is my fault. My family says it’s my fault I’m sad because I just wallow in it. Hearing them say that makes me frustrated and hurt, but maybe they’re right. My mom texted a couple of my siblings in a group chat I wasn’t a part of, “He wants to wallow and be depressed. And woe is me, wah wah wah.” That made me really angry because my siblings were agreeing with her. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am selfish and think the world revolves around me. My sister tells me I need to advocate for myself more, I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve only been a burden my whole life. My OCD created this whole issue in my family and I hate that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want an answer. Am I really a loser? Do I really wallow in it? Am I not trying like my family says? I just want to talk to someone.

LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?

I need to vent to someone, anyone who would understand. I turned 37 yesterday I had a great birthday except for the fact I was scarily bloated and felt like I couldn't breathe most of the day. I have a bad gallbladder and I've had stones since at least 2011 but I rarely have issues with it. I haven't had an attack in 5 years and recently I got a scan on my abdomen because I started counting calories in early March to try and lose weight and that is the only time I have gallbladder issues is when I'm eating less calories and exercising. I'm not like most people who get attacks when they eat junk food. So I started getting symptoms and I went in for a scan and it came back abnormal and I was supposed to have a video visit with the doctor on Tuesday but I moved it to Friday (tomorrow) because I didn't want bad news before my birthday. I CAN NOT stop ruminating about this and I compulsively Google and read reddit posts about people who had their gallbladder out and how much pain they were in and how much they regret it and have chronic diarrhea. I learned about a gallbladder flush in early 2021 but have been to scared to do that and I'm in a fb group with a lot of people who do the flushes and even some have said a stone has gotten stuck while doing it and it was EXTREMELY painful (if you've had gallbladder attacks you know. So now I'm literally spiraling in my head about how if I do the flush a stone could get stuck and it will be emergency surgery or If I don't try a flush I'll have to have surgery anyway. Like the flush feels like a literal mental block I can't get past. There's an ER across the street but I literally went in the other day cause I was feeling super bloated after having starbucks and felt short of breath. I asked the lady if I needed emergency surgery if they could do it there and she said no they would have to transport me and the nearest hospital is 10 minutes away. Another roadblock to keep me from even wanting to attempt a flush. Gallbladder issues run in my family. My mom had hers out when she had me and back then in the 80s it was a huge surgery and she even has a big scar down her stomach. My aunt and uncle got theirs out and they both regret it. Everything I've read online scares the shit outta me. I've started taking my supplements to try and heal me and I'm going to be trying to clean up my diet. I stopped drinking alcohol 9 months ago. Anyway, tonight my mom got into it with me cause I live with her cause my mutiple health problems and she said she's sick of hearing about my health issues and she told me she talked behind my back about me to her friends at the dog park and about how I made my birthday all about me. What she was saying is I kept complaining about my gallbladder and her friend said "oh that's how they are at that age, she's a teenager right?" And my mom said "no, she's almost 40." It made me feel like absolute dog *sh*t and I just went into the bathroom and broke down in tears and started looking up apartments. I have been living here for 4 years and I can't seem to get better to get a job and move out. I'm so sick of my mom and my family not understanding or even trying to understand how hard it is living with anxiety and OCD. I have such a legit fear of surgery that I passed on ankle surgery 4 years ago despite being told I'll probably have ankle arthritis some day and need either an ankle replacement or ankle fusion. I had my wisdom teeth out in 2014 that's the only surgery I've ever had an even though I had no pain afterwards I still dealt with a bunch of bs and I'm just not mentally, physically or emotionally strong enough to do it. I guess I'll just go back to shutting my mouth and talking to a.i. about my health scares cause at 37 years old I've just learned that no one gives an f about you and you just gotta learn to suck it up and put on your big boy pants. I just feel so stuck and defeated everyone 😔