@john 2018 Hey John,
I’m really happy you replied. Thank you. I understand you’re having an extremely difficult time and I’ve been in unbelievably dark and depressed places myself in the past (more on that in a moment), but I understand that having someone that is there for you is both an amazingly helpful resource and extremely comforting. For me at least, a strong support system made it feel like I had a safety net in place and it became easier to attempt recovery. I do care about you and I care for your well-being. Nobody should have to suffer or be stuck in their heads like this.
I love this app, use it for my OCD therapy, and enjoy doing my best to guide people on here, so I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime in the near or far-off future. You’ve got me for life and I’ll be here to support you every step of the way.
I’ve been in some very dark places in my past and have felt some of the largely consuming feelings your posts suggest that you’re feeling these days.
Shortly after college, I came down with Body Dysmorphic Disorder and what I perceived as my appearance became my whole life. My looks suddenly changed to me for the worst, and it became all I could think about. I won’t go into the details too deeply in this post but, in short, as the disorder progressed, I wound up not being able to work for about 4 years. I wound up being severely depressed, housebound, unable to function, suicidal, and even stopped speaking for a period of time. At my worst, I laid in the dark on a old mattress in our (finished) basement, sleeping most of the day, and in immense emotional pain.
That period of my life is a dark one, and I had no idea how long the period of feeling worthless, hideous, depressed, and unmotivated would last and if there even was a coming out of it. I feared recovering wasn’t possible and that the state I was in was permanent.
I tell you this story for a few reasons: First, OCD and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) have quite a few similarities. Firstly, they can be extremely painful and debilitating. You know OCD is. But both are also very treatable. My BDD use to be an unmanageable bonfire that made it so I couldn’t do anything. Since recovering, I got my life back, worked a few jobs, moved across the country, persued a new career, and found a loving relationship. Today, what was once that bonfire of a debilitating disorder has become a small candle that you may see atop a birthday cake.
Both these disorders are extremely unlikely to improve at all on their own. They can also progress if left untreated. What is more, both disorders are unlikely to respond from regular talk therapy or supportive psychotherapy. In fact, regular talk therapy can make OCD worse. The best course of treatment for OCD is what’s called ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and is learned and practiced with an OCD specialist. A few months ago, I was in regular therapy when my relationship OCD (ROCD) got bad and regular therapy wasn’t touching it. This made me fear that I didn’t have RODC at all. I wound up getting worse from it. The fact that you said your last therapist got sick of you and told you to find another makes me think you’re trying regular talk therapy? Could you directly ask this new therapist if they can refer you to an OCD therapist who uses ERP to treat it? Going to a talk therapist isn’t going to be effective treatment here.
While I’m trying to hold back the corny therapist-sounding speeches of things like “I’m so proud of you”, you even starting with someone new is an amazing step. I’m really happy that you’re trying to get better. This is a huge win for you.
Lastly, I shared my BDD experiences with you because I related to what you said about being disappointed that people you thought would be there for you, your friends, were falling short. I experienced this too, and I learned something important about it: people were worried and concerned about me, more so than I realized, but these disorders are incredibly confusing to those who don’t experience them firsthand. A lot of people just have no idea what to say or do to help. Don’t give up on your friends; it’s just very hard to support people who are really stuck.
With that said, I have a few questions & things I’m wondering here. I’m just going to list them out: Do you think what I suggested about doing, (trying to get into ERP therapy with an OCD specialist) is doable? Do you foresee any obstacles or have any questions or concerns? Do you have insurance? Do you think NOCD video therapy would be a good option for you? I love having therapy from my apartment.
Also, could you challenge yourself to take a small step to doing more with your time? Do you feel ready? Could you add an extra meal if you’re not eating 3 daily or could you at least eat something every day? Could you leave your room for even 60 seconds? Could you take a very short shower? Do you feel these or any other things are doable? If not, it’s not the end of the world-they may be easier with an OCD therapist.
Please keep in mind I have no idea about your age, situation, or even where you’re from. These are just simple questions and should only be taken as that.
I hope we can continue talking. I’d be more than happy to talk another way, too, (email, text, social media, etc) if you’re more comfortable off of the public community board.
I’m sorry for the novel. Hopefully it helps, though. Keep doing the best you can and keep a good thought. It really helps. =]
-B
