How do I stop

from the moment i wake up to the time i fall back asleep, my thoughts will not go a second without thinking about the same few topics. every second of every day for the past year i cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend. and no, not like "la dee da he's so cute!" no. it's the same thoughts of debating my feelings for him, convincing myself that im a lesbian but won't admit it to myself, convincing myself that i don't actually love him i just love the idea of a relationship with him. im disgusted with him but im passing it off as just i dont like that single flaw and thats fine. i can't stop. it's a broken record. my head is just a broken record. and for MULTIPLE YEARS pretty much since my ADHD diagnosis in middle school (i'm graduating this year) i haven't stopped thinking about mental health. relating every single thing in my life to the fact im neurodivergent. asking myself over and over if a thought i had or an action i made means im this personality, i have this mental disorder, because i have this traumatic memory that's influencing my choice. all day, every day, every second, multiple years. these thoughts are just constantly in my head. i want it to stop. i'm so tired of it. so absolutely exhausted. it's not even the compulsions or the anxiety, i just want the thoughts to end. all i could ask for, the thing i would give the world for, is to go a day without obsessively thinking these thoughts. to be able to experience a trigger but not be triggered. to be able to kiss my boyfriend goodbye and have my head move on to another topic for thought completely. to be able to hear a mental health topic be mentioned and not have the urge to explain every aspect of that topic, nor think about it for hours on end. be able to see random people on the street and accidentally make eye contact with them but not have to obsessively think of what their life is like, what they think of me, that they know i'm obsessively thinking about them and they hate me for that. i want to be able to see my ex friend around school whom im upset at the way things ended but not obsessively think about her and be disgusted and scared about those thoughts and her every move. i sound like a freak, i sound like i belong in a straitjacket, i know. i hate it too. so fucking much. i'm freaked out by myself, i know that if i were to share these thoughts at a podium i would be reported on the news and likely arrested because everyone around is terrified and will assume i will ever act. but i just want this to stop. i'm so desperately waiting for my next doctors appointment to ask for an up dose on my lexapro.

So I was talking to this one polyamorous guy but we had been friends before we started talking romantically. Anyway one day he has a mental breakdown and he says he can't do polyamory rn (for reasons I won't get into but I think they're valid) and I was like that's fine. But now it just feels like we can't talk to each other. I am either terrified that I won't be able to talk to him cause I will be too upset or I am terrified he won't talk to me because he hates me. We used to talk nonstop everyday but now we haven't talked for three days. And I don't know if it's me or him, or maybe I am just losing it. But all I want to do is talk to him. I am always checking his socials just trying to see if he's online and wondering if he will or why won't he text me. Anytime we do talk, it's always like a two sentence exchange. Maybe it's him, maybe he needs space, but everytime I see him (we go to college together) he seems to be happier, everytime he posts on twitter he seems happier, I don't know. I just want him to like me. I want to talk to him. I am scared I have to stop talking to him completely, because in the past I have never gotten over someone unless someone else comes in and takes their place so it isn't like we can take a break and then I come back and everything's good. It would likely take a long time, and it's only been like 4 months since we started talking 😭 (I am so cooked). I don't know why I am like this. I wish I could be normal about him/other people. I don't know if I am just in an OCD spiral or not, but I just want it to be over. Sorry for the rambling, but if anyone has any advice I will consider it.

I'm new and I'm really trying to control thoughts of replaying interactions I've had or things I think might happen with the people around me. This is something constant, and it causes me to repeat actions. Then I lose track of time and often end up being late. It has always affected my sleep and becomes a part of my dreams, which are also always vivid. It's always been hard for me to get up. I just constantly keep replaying different outcomes of things that it haven't happened yet going over every possible outcome with no correct answer. I'm scared of what I might say and do when at work because it's been getting worse lately. I've been terrified of socializing, because I feel like I'm going to lose it every time I speak to someone. I work directly with people doing their hair. I don't want my clients or co-workers to catch me in the act of one of my rituals or it to effect the job that I'm doing. It just makes me angry that I haven't been able to control these thoughts and it makes the rituals worse. Then I feel embarrassed after I finally stop repeating whatever it is, I'm doing. I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I’m terrified but I know it's not real. I can't afford to lose it/show it.