- Date posted
- 2y
i think this is how my pocd was triggered
I’m not too sure how long ago but sometime in the past year i was on snapchat looking through profiles that had p**n videos and images on them. the profiles would have links to other ones so i would keep clicking on them to find more and more. eventually i clicked on one profile in particular that had bite sized photos of animal p**n and child p**n. i realized what it was but didn’t really stop looking immediately( i’m not sure why) but once i did, i was sick to my stomach and couldn’t even think straight. i told my then gf(fiancé now) and she comforted me and told me i probably kept looking at it because i was just curious. i have never once thought of a child as attractive in anyway so this really disturbed me. i had seen something like that once in the last but didn’t give it much thought before but this time was different. and just a few months before this happen my son was born so i don’t know if this could have an affect or not… presently i am still struggling and have intrusive thoughts every now and then about hurting my son and they make me feel like my whole stomach was ripped out of me. i look at younger girls now and question if i think they are attractive and ask myself if i would do anything to them. i have tried thinking of a child in a sexual manner(i get groinal responses but nothing more), watched adult p**n to make myself feel better, try and get reassurance from my fiancé, etc. i have good and bad days, but most are bad. i’ll get thoughts that tell me to watch cp to see if i would enjoy it or i’ll just tell myself i am a P and that i have to deal with it. i don’t want to hurt anyone and i feel like im just an accident waiting to happen. sometimes my brain even tells me that pedophilia isn’t a bad thing even though i know it is. i could just be looking for reassurance but my life has been on a downward slope for some time now and i’m getting miserable.. i have been thinking of leaving the earth more and more. i don’t want to die but i don’t want to keep living like this..