Cleaning

This is ruining every part of my life. The carpet on my staircase is old and pretty dirty, and there's dried mud on it. There's brown bits, which I'm convinced is cat poop and there's a good chance it could be because there have been multiple times my cat has had it stuck to her after going in the litter tray. It's impossible to clean so I don't try, and my parents don't probably because they don't see it's dirty and because it's such an old worn out thing anyway. So I wear slippers everywhere except my bedroom. Only, the other day I stepped somewhere contaminated in socks and then put my slippers back on, so now they're contaminated on the inside which defeats the whole point. So now, if I want to get into bed, I have to take my slippers off outside my door, and my socks, and I have to put new socks on, but if I do that I have to wash my hands again. Which means going to the bathroom. Which means putting the slippers on. Which means I'm contaminated again. I feel so sick and I want to cry. There are so many not hygienic things in my house, and it makes living with this so much harder. I tell myself that what I'm going through are compulsions and intrusive thoughts and obsessions but how can that be true if there's a very real chance the brown on my staircase is cat poop? How can it be true when it's my own fault because I'm too lazy to clean it and I'm too lazy to try fixing the issue when there are so many things stopping me and there are so many things not hygienic about the house. I want to cry, it's too much. I can't tell myself I'm being irrational when I'm being rational. I just can't keep doing this. I want to lay in bed until I feel better but I never feel better. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about my ocd symptoms and thoughts but what am I meant to say? My house is a state and covered in mud on the carpet, and it sends me into multiple mental breakdowns a week? A day? Surely that's not ocd but instead is perfectly rational? I can't cope with any of this anymore, I want so badly to live in hygiene and cleanliness. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm never clean. I will never be clean. And I keep trying to tell myself that even if it's cat poop, it's not the end of the world. But I feel so ashamed. I feel dirty. I just want all of this to stop being so difficult.

(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.

I never heard about people with OCD who have messy living conditions. Maybe this is why it took so long to accept my diagnosis. Although I really dont like how OCD is percieved at by the majority of people, I feel like Im weird or something because I dont fit into that stereotype. I understand that a lot of people with OCD have this issue, but why do I feel so different? If anybody else has/had this belief, what helps with feeling more comfortable? Everytime my mom points out my room, and how its messy- Its like I feel so lazy and useless. So then I often plan out everything I was going to do, step by step, always having a reasoning behind everything, because logic always comforts me. When I start tidying up my room, I go full out (Sheets, Laundry, Clorox, Candles, Vaccuming, Then I start going through the guinea pigs cage to rearranging all of their stuff) Yet always somewhere after doing a few things, I start feeling disgusting and almost shameful of myself. 99% of the time I end up laying on my floor sobbing, noting every little thing about my room. How my furiniture doesnt match, how i would rather have solid floor like hardwood or vinyl instead of the carpet, usually things i cant change… and then barely anything gets done in my room. I start to have a meltdown and often dont take care of myself even more afterwards. A piece of me feels like my thoughts are just me being a spoiled brat and wanting everything i dont have- meanwhile others dont even have a roof over their head. The other piece of me is just tired, just emotionally exaughsted. Please comment any thoughts or recomendations to maybe improve motovation and attitude towards doing long tasks.