financial independence/moving out

im so nervous to post this i feel like this is stupid but i feel so gross rn grew up poor, lived in a gross moldy house infested with bugs & a gaping hole in the bathroom floor. my parents did everything they could to make ends meet while also balancing taking care of my sick little brother who almost passed away twice as a baby from a rare disorder & paying for his medical expenses. i spent a pretty big chunk of my life as a kid without my parents because they were with my brother in the hospital, & after he got out i basically had to be a junior parent at very young always so scared of him dying at any moment if i take my eyes off him (i am not blaming him in any way i would do anything for him i love him so much) fast forward to now im 21 & living at home unemployed with ASD, BPD, OCD, autoimmune issues & chronic pain, my parents make way more money, we live in a pretty nice house now & they take care of all my expenses. i am incredibly thankful for everything that we have & my parents deserve everything theyve worked for, but im terrified im just some lazy spoiled little shit that wont get a life. i do everything i can to help out my parents even with my health issues, of course because i genuinely care to help them but also so i can feel "deserving" if that makes sense. always helping around the house, running errands, helping take care of my brother (whos now 17 but still needing care for his disorder on top of his own ASD & mental health issues), constantly asking if i can do anything to help out, but i just cant get this veruca salt spoiled little princess type caricature of myself that just sits around being a brat out of my head. ive been finally working at getting my first job with a side gig on ebay but im beating myself up because i think to myself "do i even need this job? other people my age get jobs to survive. i dont technically HAVE to get one, my parents pay for all my necessities, i only want to work so i can have my own life & not rely on my parents forever." sure im not some trust fund baby born into wealth, we still have to be careful with money but i have so much more than so many people & im so scared that i dont deserve it. its been killing me to the point of me compulsively searching shit all the time about rich people, how much money is too much money, how to know if you're spoiled, etc etc. im terrified people in the job world will look at me like the little spoiled bitch that had mummy & daddys money & just scoff at me- but i feel too ashamed to even talk about this because im terrified of looking like some rich kid preaching "oooh but rich people have problems toooo we're just like you guys!!!" i just dont know what to do. my ocd was horrible when i was 17 but overtime i was able to what i thought was "defeat" it, i went a while with no intrusive thoughts, but now this theme has taken over my brain. i feel disgusting.

i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.

I’m 21. The 3 year anniversary of my graduation from high school is soon. Lately, I’ve been worried about where I’m going in life and if it’s even worth it because I don’t know why I exist or what my purpose is After graduating I lost a new job I loved due to poor management on my boss’s side, they failed to teach me my job then fired me for it, and moved from my mom’s house into my dads house due to issues with my stepdad, both of which put me into a depression. I got a new job 3 months later. But ever since being fired and moving out, I feel like I’ve been in a depressive cycle of Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. I’ll get home and doomscroll for hours, and occasionally play games with friends at nights. Occasionally I’ll do my hobbies but usually feel guilty for it. I don’t see my friends and family nearly as much as I used to. I want to, but it feels like everything I want to do, my intrusive thoughts find a way to keep me at home. “It’s a waste of time.” “You need to be productive on your time off or you’ll go nowhere in life so stay home.” But then if I stay home it’s “you need to go out and do something.” “You’re being unproductive sitting at home all day.” “Seeing them wont make you feel better, you’ll never be happy” My girlfriend lives 6 hours away and is usually the only time I’d go outside and live and feel in the moment, but even then I’d feel guilt. I feel like my OCD makes me feel guilty for everything. She’s helped me a lot, but lately we’ve had a few issues we’ve worked past that made me fear for losing her too. I’ve felt depressed for years now. Before being fired, I usually felt pretty good and was almost normal feeling. I’d had control over my fears and intrusive thoughts of suicide and the meaning of life, and had accepted them and wasn’t afraid. I knew it wasn’t me. But lately I’ve been trying to push myself out of this depressive cycle, and it’s made my OCD and fears of suicide and if life has meaning, come right back. I’m handling it slightly better, but it’s still hard. I just want to move past this and stop questioning why I’m even doing anything, if I want to end it all, when I know for certain I don’t want to and that I get to make my own meaning in life. I have dreams, I want to get back into art. I want to move in with my girlfriend eventually and start a family. But my OCD makes me so scared to even try to make art, and it makes me so scared I won’t be happy or content with my dreams. I feel so alone and sad. I feel like life will pass me by while I’m stuck feeling this sad and scared. It sucks, but I’m trying my best to get there. Gotta keep moving