Question about ERP.. and.. I’m just so very tired

*My vent here, and my question below* I’m having a very hard day. I’ve relapsed and have spent the past month STRUGGLING. I’ve recently been diagnosed. However, I realise now the signs were always there through my whole life - Conscious blinking and swallowing, air writing, hair pulling, rewriting things until they felt just right. I developed health anxiety in 2019. Things got better. But now, it’s outrageous. I’m ocd about my infant son. I see any type of mark, splotch of darkened pigmentation, bruise, freckle, anyyyything and I freak out. It’s started when the baby was 4mo and I when a read about a tumour causing condition of which a symptom is specific birthmarks. I’ve seen a dermatologist who says he’s fine. Thing is this condition can come to light even up to 6yo. Therefore, anything even very light coloured or small, I freak out that it might develop into these birthmarks. It extended to include checking his eyes and even his hair (I saw one strand on white/light caramel hair amongst his blackish coloured hair and freaked out thinking his hair was turning white, another symptom). I realise I simply can or will not accept uncertainty or in other words, the possibility my son could have this condition or anything serious like that really. I look at him and feel sadness and worry - He doesn’t deserve it. I know that until I can or will accept this uncertainty, I won’t be able to recover. I 100% feel that my checking him, I’m remaining vigilant. My greatest fear is being blindsided. *My question about ERP* My obsession is that my son is healthy and ok - that he doesn’t have the above condition. My compulsions involve checking his skin, comparing any marks I’ve seen by looking at photos or checking my own skin or that of others, and tonnes of ruminating. Therefore I feel that my triggers involve the thought he could have this condition and seeing his skin/a mark on him. I am exposed 24/7 with things like changing his nappy or clothes, showering/bath time, swim time, etc. I get anticipatory anxiety and my distress escalates if anything catches my eye during these scenarios, which it does 9/10 times. So then how would I go about doing ERP when I’m flooded with my triggers day in day out? I feel that if I go out of my way to expose his skin to trigger myself, particularly during a time that doesn’t call for it such as playing or sleeping, then I’m giving in to a compulsion. I know I can practice using my own thoughts to trigger me, and this is best done when he’s asleep at night so I can actually focus. I don’t know, it’s all too hard. I’m pretty much going at it alone because I can’t afford a nocd therapist (I’m in Australia) and because my counselor just diagnosed me, we haven’t done any ERP together yet. I’m waiting to see if I can get into an ocd group program in March next year.

guaranita

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Oh, my heart breaks for you. I'm going through the same thing and understand your struggles. My son is 14 and I'm very vigilant about his skin and any signs of leukemia. You are already being exposed to these triggers, you can't avoid them, right? You have the answer from the doctor that your precious baby is OK. Just accept the uncertainty that you don't know, but maybe plan that you'll ask the doctor again at the next check up. I also feel sad and scared everytime I see my son, but those feelings just come with me in this journey.

divyD

Date posted: 2y

@guaranita Thank you for your kind words. It’s painful and horrendous. I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward with your ocd journey. Stay strong. We can do this.

3xDisorders

Date posted: 25w

Trying but struggling

First post... I ruminate all the time, getting triggered by the smallest things that remind me of terrible events in my life or fears tied to my compulsions. It could be as small as a lawyer looking at my LinkedIn profile and me convincing myself that means I'm getting sued. Or even an article about taxes that makes me spiral into thinking I'm negligent. I could be fine one minute & wonder if I'm making it all up and then cry for two hours the next, cursing people who are neurotypical and wishing I could be like them. I tried talk therapy for two years and now I'm doing NOCD + ERP because I'm pregnant and had to reduce my dose of medication. Pregnancy almost made my OCD mental compulsions worse, and I got diagnosised with MDD, too. Not to mention the skin picking disorder I've had since childhood. It's becoming really hard to be positive despite a daily gratitude journal, walking 5k steps a day, and doing calming yoga with the occasional meditation when things get really bad. I'm trying, I really am. But having three diagnosed disorders makes me feel like I'm set up to fail despite having a wonderful husband and life, plus my coming first baby. It makes me feel like a horrible person when everything around me is seemingly fine but I can't seem to focus enough on the present to appreciate it. I feel so lost about it all and am plagued by guilt and shame. Does anyone else relate?

lilmissanony...

Date posted: 24w

Realised I have Pure O OCD.

Hello, I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 25 years old. I attributed my overthinking to autism but I realised a few months ago that Pure O OCD is the most meaningful explanation for it. I am also an asexual, so I am, simply put, a shitshow of symptoms. I constantly review the past - particularly painful memories. I have a consistent fear of getting cancelled. When I was 18, some YouTubers I followed got accused of sexual misconduct and cancelled. I was obsessed and concerned for them. Others found my obsession strange. I did not like how their lives were ruined over accusation and no trial. (I was naive then to why public accusations are happening, as it is because the legal system often fails to address predatory men.) Even 6 years later, I googled one of them 240 times between January 2020 and April 2020. It was plain obsessive. When I burned bridges, I continued to search the people involved in my past dramas. Often multiple times in the same day with nothing new to see. They would likely be scared if they knew how obsessed I was with them. I have started doing ERP exercises. I wrote a script where I receive public false allegations and my life is ruined. It is forever googleable and I am a complete pariah. Completely unemployable, unliveable, even my family abandons me. I listen to it for 15 minutes on loop per day. What else would you recommend to tackle the ruminating? I wish I had this information at 18. I should have been solving these issues then and enjoying my life, not figuring it all out so much later in life.

hulder

Date posted: 23w

Diaper Check

Started therapy recently and I feel like I’ve gone from being triggered every few days to every few hours. It’s like, I can’t even get out of bed for an hour before something new happens. I’m a stay at home dad with a 2 year old. This morning, I hesitated checking his diaper by patting him, just because any sort of touching in his diaper area makes me anxious or causes intrusive thoughts. But, I did it anyway, only for my brain to then go, “His diaper is always wet in the morning, why did you need to check?” I have this huge fear of accidentally doing something inappropriate or harmful, so any kind of touching, that isn’t completely necessary, feels harmful. At this point I’m just trying to survive between therapy sessions, but the risk of sitting with uncertainty with this theme, feels so strong and I feel so irresponsible by not trying to “figure it out”.

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Question about ERP.. and.. I’m just so very tired

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