- Date posted
- 2y
ROCD and HOCD. Bisexuality advice requested
Big trigger warning!!! I know everyone with OCD thinks they’re the exception, but I haven’t really found any stories I can relate to… hopefully someone can understand my situation. I’ve come to realize that maybe my thoughts are still obsessive and compulsive in nature, even though I’m not actually sure if I’m in the right relationship. But maybe that’s the OCD talking. I am in a homosexual relationship and have been for the past 7 years. I used to wonder if I was bisexual growing up, and still question if I am, or maybe if I’m not bisexual enough to be in a gay relationship. This is because I have obsessions related to my sexual orientation.. I “test” my feelings for other women and sometimes try to have crushes so I feel like I am capable of being in a homosexual relationship. But the crushes feel fake and forced and sometimes even accompanied by panic and identity crisis because I don’t want to be gay. It’s really hard in my situation because I know I like guys but does that mean I need to break up with my partner? I’m starting to wonder if maybe the issue is that I subconsciously view only monosexuality to be valid, and that it’s not possible to truly be bisexual. I get dreams sometimes where I kiss a guy, or do sexual stuff, or even fall in love and I like these dreams and they feel so natural. But I wake up in a complete panic because I feel like I need to leave my partner. Like I’m lying to her and we can’t be together. Also I get into periods when friends talk about their boyfriends and I feel so sad and depressed because I know if I never leave my partner I will never experience what it’s like to have a boyfriend, but also not wanting to end my relationship. Is this a bisexual thing? It’s sucks. I’m scared that if I leave my relationship I will realize that men are not all that I built them up to be in my head. But I’m also sad at the idea of never knowing what a straight relationship is like. Something just pulls me towards men, like I want their attention. But I’m not even sure if that’s because of my sexuality.. or if I just want their attention for some reason. It’s just really confusing because I’m in a gay relationship and I have HOCD.. I have pretty much constant doubts about the relationship, pick apart her characteristics, question my identity, get really sad and lonely sometimes, I do want to be intimate with her but not very often. I’m pretty sure it’s still OCD but the situation makes it even more confusing. I try to avoid men, try to not look attractive in front of them, because I worry about having feelings for them that I cannot control which would send me into thought spirals and panic because then I would worry about having to break up with my partner. Do you think ERP could help me? Or does this not sound like OCD? I was diagnosed with OCD 7.5 years ago but it was a different theme then and it’s hard to tell if what I’m going through is really ROCD cause the stories I hear from others are so different than mine.