ROCD

Really struggling to determine whether my doubts are vaild or not. I have a very blurry picture of what I envision for my future, ever since I was 18 Ive had this desire to run away and start a new life (22 now) I dont know whether its escapism or just my calling, but I dream of a nomadic life with no attachments to anything. I believe its strongly associated with OCD and the fears I have around commitment. But my partner has goals for his future, he can envision his life, and its becoming an issue that I cant envision mine. We would like to be able to line up our lives to see if we want the same things. Of course I want a life with him, but I am so controlled by fear I cant commit to anything. I cant commit to the idea of settling down, having kids, having a career. They all scare me. We’ve been together for 2 years and I still have been avoiding my thoughts out of fear that the truth is: Im not meant to be with anyone and I need to live life on my own with no ties to anything. My therapist said some really triggering stuff yesterday and now I cant stop thinking about the possibility that we may just be on different life paths, no matter how much we love eachother. Feeling defeated😣

Username: JordanSM JordanSM

Date posted: 1y ago

So sorry you are feeling stuck.. that’s truly the worst feeling! And I’m sorry about your therapist saying triggering things ): One, always remember that you get to choose if you want to stay with your partner. No matter what a therapist says, it is still your choice ♥️ I also felt stuck recently and I have ROCD. I was starting to worry that I would settle down without ever traveling or living in another city or country. What helped me is finding practical ways I can pursue these dreams. I talked to my partner about possibly teaching abroad (there’s some great programs!) there’s also something called EF Ultimate Break that I’ve heard is a great organization to travel through!! Maybe you can start mapping out some other places you’d like to go and start saving money- or even go on smaller trips near by to really tap into that side of you that wants to explore

Username: owmybrainhurtsowmybrainhurts

Date posted: 1y ago

@JordanSM Omg, this is exactly the conversation I have with my partner all the time, I dream of living in another city/country at least once in my life, I’ve been trying to find ways to make this possible. I appreciate you input and suggestions, I will have to look at that!!🙂

Username: Yougotthis1Yougotthis1

Date posted: 1y ago

Just listened to a podcast on this very topic that you might find helpful! Check out the Gathering Gold podcast by Sheryl Paul. Episode about Escape Hatches!

Username: owmybrainhurtsowmybrainhurts

Date posted: 1y ago

@Yougotthis1 Just started listening to it, thank you so much for sharing this episode, I feel like you really heard and understood me just from my post, thankful for your response💜

Username: norx norx

Date posted: 1y ago

I understand how you feel. I’ve been in and off with my boyfriend for 3 1:2 years. I just turned 23. I think you should figure out why you don’t want to commit to other parts of your life first if possible. We are so young and feel so much pressure from so many different people and it can cloud our judgment.

Username: owmybrainhurtsowmybrainhurts

Date posted: 1y ago

@norx In my mind, commiting to just one of anything feels limiting and suffocating. Even now, I have all the freedom in the world to make choices and I still feel like Im suffocating everyday! Ah wish it would end, thanks for the advice, glad to hear im not alone

Username: JordanSM JordanSM

Date posted: 1y ago

Overall, what I’m hearing from you is that you have a lot of fear around the idea of commitment. That is sooo okay. Take things one step at a time and just look at the next step. Try not to look too far ahead if that’s possible. Next step could be; what trip do I want to go on next? Or even just researching some budgeted ways to travel. Maybe you can do little things each week that tap into your individuality and help you feel more free💛 I hope this helped.

Username: owmybrainhurtsowmybrainhurts

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you! I appreciate you mentioning to take things one step at a time, one week to the next, great advice🙂

Username: Purplecat24

Date posted: 45w ago

New to NOCD.

I think I've struggled with OCD all my life. I struggle with intrusive thoughts alot and recently I just broke down and fell into a spiral I can't get out of. I found out about relationship OCD and sexual orientation OCD and think I may have those. I had an intrusive thought a few months ago that what if i didn't love my fiance anymore and since then I can't shake the idea. Just the day before I told him how much I wanted him to be my husband and up until that point I didn't question my love for him. I don't understand how things can just shake me like that quickly. I know I love him deep down and anytime I get those feelings back my brain is like "you sure about that?" A week later I had a thought about what if I've been a lesbian this whole time and that I'll marry my fiance only to come out as a lesbian in the future. I've always been ok with being Bi, I considered myself 10-20% into women and 80-90% into men. I always had crushes on men and dreamt of finding the man for me one day. I also find women nice to look at but I don't know if it's admiration or actual sexual attraction. Either way I was find with identifying this way but now I'm so stressed that I've actually just wanted to be a lesbian this whole time and that I'm in denail and closeted. These thoughts are debilitating and now I can't look at women without being stressed or getting aroused.

Username: tiniest.light

Date posted: 39w ago

Venting

I am a woman in a long term relationship of over 5 years with a man who I genuinely love. I have identified as bisexual my whole adult life but I have only ever dated men (just by chance). For months I've been having obsessive thoughts about whether I am actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself- I keep going through temporary periods where I make peace with the worries but it always seems to come back with a vengance. This week the thoughts have been so constant that any quiet moment my brain immediately starts stressing over the possibility. My partner is aware of the thoughts (has has dealt with OCD as well and understands) but I still feel SO guilty because I am happy in my relationship and I don't know why I can't move past the thoughts. I logically know that I am attracted to men and that I find my partner attractive. But I get worried that maybe down the line that will change and things will only get more painful if we needed to separate. I feel like I'm so obsessed with ways things could end that I'm missing all the good that's actually in front of me and it feels so sad and isolating 💔

Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w ago

hocd and relationships

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16, I am now 23. I was head over heels for him for a couple of years then I went to undergrad and started having thoughts/fears I cheated on him with another man. I would then convince myself I did. Then my ocd got really bad and I convinced myself I was gay, since that time I have been fighting with my thoughts 24/7 trying to decide if I am or if I am not. I wasn't able to eat, sleep, etc. The anxiety has gotten less but it still affects me and my relationship. Now I feel like I am numb to my boyfriend. I never want to have sex, I get scared.. While we have sex I constantly question how I am feeling. Is this normal? I know OCD attaches to things that are important to you, so I like to think its just because I love him so much that all my themes revolve around potentially losing him and it came in a time when I was 5 hours away from him consistently at school. IDk what I'm trying to get from this, just to rant or see that I'm not alone. I am now 6 hours away from him in graduate school so I have other stressors impacting me but I am obsessed with finding out if I truly love him or if I am gay even though before all of this started I never had these thoughts but now I am constantly questioning to the point I've almost convinced myself its true. My anxiety is the worst if I see homosexual women but I also fear I am attracted to women bc I notice them more now I feel like and feel like I have lost my attraction to men. Is this normal? I've been dealing with it for 2.5 years. I want nothing more than to be happy and content with my boyfriend but I cant even tell my true feelings anymore.

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