- Date posted
- 2y
This one is a little silly
But, after recent serious dissociative episode, I've started getting intrusive thoughts that I am loosing interest in my current interest, which is Tolkien's works. Before that I was consuming information about it with more or less enjoyment despite not being happy with my life situation. But then I've got intrusive thought of what if I start being interested in another thing and my favorite topic will be left behind. Fictional stories always were my support through difficult times, I don't have support from family or friends, so I focus on favourite characters and rules of their world. But as I stated it is a really silly thing to be worried about. Interests come and go. (It is probably some kind of compultion where I try to reassure myself that it's okay, it's just an ocd, you can't loose interest in what you love in one day, the thing that temporarily caught your eye is not gonna replace it). And I say silly, because people usually have a broad variety of interests, not the one you focused on too much (?) But it seems it is not that silly to me since I can't calm down. But it is not even about it probably. After dissociative episode it's like something clicked in my brain. It is that an intrusive thought like this (which I usually don't pay attention to) completely threw me out of my working and inspirational state again. This happened when I developed incestual intrusive (followed by harm and few other themed) thoughts. I was feeling numb. I have a break down and cry, thinking about life, what I lost and current bad events in general. I can't focus on anything. The thing that gave me comfort started making me anxious because of thinking I am loosing interest in it. I am trying to focus on something educational or funny, and it doesn't help me too. I wanted to fix sleep schedule, but I can't sleep in this state. I am trying to find a therapist in my country, but I am lost and unsure. I need money for urgent denta helpl. But now I feel like I have to spend them on a therapist. And while knowing that locking yourself up is bad, you need to talk to someone. I still didn't open up to anyone. My close friend struggles herself with few problems at once (though she is the only one who knows I have pure o, but I couldn't keep up with sharing most of my thoughts be it positive or negative, I don't know why). I can't talk to my sibling, both because of intrusive thoughts I had and because I let them down so many times before, being a selfish sibling, who focused on their own mental stuggles more and shut off emotionally. I apologized, but they were still not ready to talk to me (it's already two years and it's still not talked over, it shatters me inside). And my father is not my favorite person sadly due to his views (though I am still upset about what happened to my family which I loved when I was young and didn't know a lot about real stuggles, I know I still didn't accepted of what happened), it seems he is interested only in politics or physics/chemistry. He is not emotional (in a way of positive emotions), and not the one to help you go through bad emotional state. He is rather to leave you be on your own until you calm down. Maybe it would be okay in any other situation, but now I feel lost, abandoned, I don't know what to do. He is also someone who think there is no more serious mental illness that can suppress the struggles of physical injury/illness. I am afraid of his judgment, he is the one who thinks learning things is important. Inlove learning things, but I have to admit to myself I am not capable of focusing and memorising. Which feels like another big fail in my life. I am fond of grandfather, but he is also not the one to talk to about it. It is also giving me lot bad thoughts that I am not spending enough time with him, he may be gone soon, which I am don't know how to handle. There were not yet times when I lost someone so dear to me. And I stopped talking to my mother few years ago because it was harmful to my emotional state. I am upset about good things from the past. And I know there were many wrongdoings to her too in this family. But after finding out her views on the war that is happening right now, I understood there is no way I am talking to her lever again. I don't know why I am writing it here, I can't stop crying for 5 hours. I just wish ocd didn't touch at least the fictional things I am fond of and that help me go through difficult times. I know I will calm down with time (hopefully sooner, because there is a deadlined work to finish). But I cannot stop being anxious about possible changes in interest (it probably efects my worries about possible identity changes too, because I am afraid to become feeling better too as well as enjoy things and feel happy), which is probably a very dubious turn of events, but this ridiculous theme has beaten me right now.