Please please need advice 😞

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help

I woke up today feeling a bit more positive the last few days have been really rough, been crying, having outbursts of shouting and today I just feel exhausted and don’t want to think about it but at the same time I was ruminating on it so much and worrying a lot and it feels really difficult to just suddenly forget about it, I’ve been worrying because it feels like when I imagine the thought it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ of imagining doing that, the thoughts are about smothering. It’s been feeling like the end of the world and I’ve been worrying because it feels like I actually want to act on the thoughts and it’s horrible, feel like I don’t trust myself. Today I feel exhausted and just want to feel normal again but feel like I can’t just go back to forgetting about it and feeling normal since the last few days have felt so rough and real like it couldn’t have all been for nothing, all that worrying? Surely it must mean something? And it feels like I could easily just start worrying again, I’ve got a bit of anxiety and feel uneasy already, but I don’t want another day of misery. But it feels like these thoughts definitely mean something and it feels like if I choose not to think about it because I’m still kind of believing it that I’m just trying to pretend I’m not evil by forgetting about it or postponing being evil 😞😞

I've been doing so much better these past 2 weeks, I actually thought I was beginning o recover... However a few minutes ago I had a horrific thought about one of my cats, she was lying next o me on the bed with her belly up and I was stroking her, I was actually comfortable being by her and was petting her and kissing her and she looked so cute when suddenly my eyes drifted to the lower part of her belly and these horrific thought popped up saying: "I wamt to r*p3 my cat " I also got a horrible intrusive image, and I was absolutely disgusted but felt little to no anxiety to the thought which is really scary. I had to get away from her out of fear of hurting her and now I feel like i'm spiraling and falling back down into the deep dark hole I was at. I was feeling good today (i haven't felt like this in almost a year) and now I can be with my cats normally, comparing when my harm OCD was at it's peak I couln't even be near them. So why is this happening again, and why did I look at my cat's pr*vate parts and felt I did it purpose w bad intentions????!! I don't want to hurt my kitty 😭