ROCD + SO-OCD

TW: animal death mention struggling a lot with this. Not sure if I actually should break up with my boyfriend because he’s not right for me or because we’re growing in different directions, or if this is just ROCD. I’ve been pushing him away recently after my OCD got rly bad after I had to put my cat down last week. I’m thinking about all the negatives in our relationship like how we haven’t been motivating or inspiring each other much, I feel stagnant a lot of the time but that’s mostly my own fault because I’m not working on myself enough, he doesn’t really have the same type of intellectual interests as me and I think I’d want to be with someone who is more like that, and other stuff like that… instead of focusing on the positives like about how we have slowly been working on the motivation and inspiration, how he’s taught me a lot of cool stuff about music which I enjoy, and how he does try to read the book I bought him even tho it’s a tough read. It feels like I’m forcing myself to look at the positives while the negatives occupy my rumination almost constantly. Also dealing with SO-OCD. I’m bisexual (not OCD; I am genuinely attracted to women even more than men) and fantasize about being with a woman instead and think it would be better for me even though my boyfriend is the loveliest person I know and I enjoy being with him for the most part except in times like this and would never cheat on him. Even during sex I dissociate and am sometimes imagining having sex with a woman instead. Or focus too much on how I look and act during it and imagine being in my bfs position and having another girl in mine. I think about other women a lot and how I find them generally much more attractive than other men. Sometimes I find it hard to be attracted to him even though I know I am when I’m feeling better. Ive never dated a woman before and I wanted to before I met him, but since we plan to be together until it just doesn’t work out then chances are we will be each others last and I’m scared that I’m missing out on something that might be better for me. I’ve been having awful anxiety and guilt about this because I don’t want to break up with him but I’m not sure if that’s just my codependent tendencies talking or if I genuinely can’t see myself without him. His birthday is in a few days and I can’t help but avoid him at this time because I’m scared that I might realize that he’s not the one for me. I wrote him a card and felt like I had to force it because all I could think about were my doubts. I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks and crying a lot over all of this. He understands that I haven’t been feeling good and is always supportive and caring, but is also sad that I’ve been avoiding him and I feel like he is starting to think that I don’t love him anymore or don’t want to be with him because he started asking me about that. Which makes me feel even more guilty and wanting to isolate even more than I did before. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared to see him in fear of the possibility that doing so will trigger these thoughts and lead me to break up with him.

anxiousmollusk

Date posted: 2y

following this because I truly feel like I could have written exactly the same thing. we will figure this out. sitting with the discomfort of those “what if” fears is what has helped me so far but I haven’t started any formal ERP yet. you’re not alone on this journey

LavenderGrey...

Date posted: 2y

I’m sorry about your cat. It sounds like you’re going though a pretty stressful time which can definitely make OCD worse. If I were you, I would try to think about if you could see yourself in this exact relationship for another few years. If not, it might be time to end things. Or if you’re able to, maybe talk to your bf about how you’re feeling. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in a relationship than to actually leave it. But if you’re pushing him away, it could lead him to ending things with you. To me, it sounds like you would rather try dating a woman than staying with your current bf. OCD can make focusing on the negatives very easy though.

Phillip Square

Date posted: 2y

Have you been diagnosed with OCD?

samah

Date posted: 2y

@Randy Johnson Yes

Firefly girl

Date posted: 22w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

e2222

Date posted: 22w

Relationship OCD?/am I just evil

I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.

Mariabae

Date posted: 18w

please read

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

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ROCD + SO-OCD

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