Please need advice

Has anyone ever tried to deliberately play out a harm ocd thought in there mind to test yourself? In hope you would get really anxious and that would prove you would hate it? I deliberately imagined suffocating someone with a pillow and it’s ruined everything, I did get a really anxious feeling but now I feel like I know how it feels to suffocate someone and that I liked the feeling. I’ve been a mess ever since, thinking that I’ve understood how it feels to do that and now I’m desperate to feel the feeling of suffocating someone. I was crying very hard today because I imagined the thought again on purpose to test myself to make sure I don’t like it and I got this feeling in my chest but don’t know if it was anxiety and was worried it was excitement and made myself need to poo and then I searched up what emotions can make yourself need to poo from and it said anxiety or excitement, and because the feeling I get in my chest isn’t painful it’s just a feeling and I’m worried it’s excitement and that I like the thought, whenever i see an animal or a person I have this feeling like an urge of needing to do that horrible thing to them or I saw a cat sat outside today while I was sat in the car and it felt like would do that or want to do that and now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do that but now I’m worried that I do or that I like the feeling of doing that I hate this problem I feel so exhausted I really don’t want there to be anything wrong with me but I’ve started believing that I’m genuinely bad and want to do these things I keep having melt downs crying and feel like it’s all doomed because maybe I’ve just got this inescapable urge of wanting to suffocate something because of imagining the thought and the thing that makes it worse is that in movies they make it out to seem like the serial killers get a relief from suffocating someone and now I’m worried that’s me, I wish someone would tell me that I don’t know how it feels to do that through the thought and that it’s all a lie

Nica

Date posted: 2y

Yes, that’s common for those with OCD to do. It’s called checking specifically but it does NOT make things any better. As I think you’ve realized, it only made things worse.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

Please someone help me understand what’s going on here because it really feels like I know how it feels to do that and that I liked the feeling of doing that, I don’t want this to be true 😞

caitliz

Date posted: 2y

This is actually one of my main compulsions, I believe it’s called checking. I have a lot of thoughts that are automatic, but I also have thoughts that I force myself to have over and over in hopes to get upset by them enough to “satisfy” my need to *know* it upsets me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. When it does, the relief only lasts a short time. I have also had similar experiences to the others you described. Two examples come to mind. 1. This morning I was scraping ice off my windshield so I could leave for therapy. The motion of pushing the scraper reminded me of stabbing I guess. I got the mental image that’s what I was doing instead and everything. It really scared me, feeling like I knew what doing that feels like and that I may have liked imagining it. I started spiraling about if I liked the idea/feeling now and if I’ll do it because scraping ice off my car happened to convince me that I’d enjoy it? 2. A few years ago I was riding a four wheeler and was having so much fun and got a big adrenaline rush. It gave me a high I hadn’t felt in a long time, in the midst of a bad ocd and depressive episode, it was a nice little freeing moment. Then I then convinced myself I needed to stop and never ride the four wheeler again because it will make me want to keep chasing that adrenaline feeling and I’ve heard killers describe their acts as adrenaline rushes so eventually my need for adrenaline to feel something will escalate to me doing something like that. I appreciate you sharing as I feel less alone in these experiences. I hope things get better for you. 💞

emmagracee

Date posted: 22w

Help! URGENT!!

I’ve always struggled with maladaptive daydreaming I’ve stopped but I have harm ocd and my brain would hook onto a true crime story and I’d pretend to be a family member/loved one/victim of a k*ller and would make up elaborate stories abt it. That feels so disgusting I’m so scared this shows in a horrible person doesn’t it? And now my brain is telling me I have found k*llers attractive in the past I don’t think I ever did but what if I did I’m scared

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 22w

Scared, feel like I liked thought

Guys I feel a bit bothered. I fear I liked a thought bc my sister was showing me this video about a robbery and right before she was going to show me I was thinking "no... tsk this is not what I want to see. Dont think of anything." But i had to watch bc my sister was already playing the video. I tried to not pay as much attention. I hate watching videos that have stuff related to harm bc ocd loves to latch on. I got so many thoughts. But when I saw the person pull out a weapon and the cashier jump extremely high, I felt like laughing??? But not bc of what was going on but bc "why did he jump like that? It was so high! You know what? I would've jumped liked this too. That's scary!" And then I felt angry for the cashier bc why do evil people commit such things? How the heck? But ocd says i laughed bc I felt a sense of superiority and liked seeing people scared and want to feel a distorted sense of power. Like.. no? I knew I felt like laughing bc I didn't expect him to jump so high and I wanted to point it out but decided not to bc the video is serious, and it's not a movie. But I feel kinda guilty like why tf did I feel like laughing. I didn't even smile or actually laugh irl but it's bothering me. Then my sister showed me some other video and explained a specific weapon and I kept getting thoughts like "ohhh i want that! I wanna scare people too! I want to test the thoughts to double check if i actually like them" And it gave me an image of me doing something crazy like robbing a store as well! AND IT FELT REAL! I WASNT EVEN WANTING TO THINK THIS! Im worried this means its real or that i enjoyed the thought and fantasized, but at the same time ik im not actually interested nor do I have plans but what if I WANTED to for those few seconds?! Bc why did it FEEL like I enjoyed it??? I know I wouldn't, i dont have plans to nor do i want to think about making plans and I'm genuinely not interested but WHAT IF??? Did i enjoy this thought?! It felt like I wanted to bc I didn't immediately reject it like usual and for some reason felt "happy" (i didnt smile or anything but it FELT like i was happy???) Literally right after the thought came i was thinking to myself "OMG is that true?" And couldn't focus on anything else! How do I know I didnt genuinely enjoy and dont have some weird sense of power??? It's been bothering me so much, this happened a couple hours ago and I managed to fall asleep in the middle of my compulsion of mentally reviewing how I reacted to my thoughts.

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 21w

It must be real now

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

"Pure" OCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Please need advice

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community