The depressive symptoms on top of rumination is so disheartening. I suffer from suicidal ocd. It’s one of my biggest themes. Every since I heard the news about Twitch from the Ellen Show, I’ve been triggered. Definitely thought of myself and I hate having these thoughts!!!
I also suffer with suicidal OCD. My OCD started out small, worked into health OCD and now suicidal. It’s the biggest reason I’ve decided to see our professional treatment. I’ve done mostly “self help” up to this point but I honestly have no idea how to even approach suicidal ERP and the thought honestly terrifies me so I 100% understand what you’re going through. The cycle is VICIOUS. Any time I feel “not good” my OCD instantly tells me that I’m becoming depressed and ill probably commit suicide and the thoughts SPIRAL from that point.
@KKGM THIS EXPLAINS ME SO ACCURATELY. When I’m fine, the thoughts are in the back of my head. I don’t pay them any attention. But when I’m not well or anxious, I always start to feel sad and then BOOM, the thoughts return HEAVILY. Even the harm thoughts against others. & like you said, it spirals. Wow.
@KKGM This is me too!! OMG are we all the same person right now? I’ve been heavily focused on the way I feel mentally and emotionally since this started happening. If I feel one ounce of sad, I’m like “oh no I’m sad, that must mean i’m depressed, oh no does that mean I’m a danger to myself?” I just can’t believe there are so many people going through this like me.
@Janiqua G. It’s amazing how similar different peoples experiences can be. I hate we all have to deal with OCD but it is nice to know we aren’t alone. Like you said, when I’m doing good I’m ok. They don’t bother me near as bad but when I feel the slightest bit more anxious or sad than usual… it get way way worse and then it’s hard to decide, “Well am I seriously suicidal or is this OCD??” Because you don’t want to take chances and then that just makes it worse and you just want it to stop and then THAT makes it worse. Such a vicious cycle.
@AW💖 Definitely! I stay hyper focused on “how I’m feeling” just incase.. it makes no sense but it’s what my brain does to try to “protect me” I guess
@KKGM OMG this is seriously me. I’m so triggered by the feelings of stress or sadness. My brain assumes I won’t make it.
@KKGM We are literally the same person. Wow. You have helped me in ways I cannot explain.
@KKGM If any of you ever want to talk or start a chat for people with Harm O, feel free to add me on IG: @Bells.etc
@Janiqua G. Awh that’s awesome! It helps me for you to share your story.. makes me feel like I’m not crazy! I’m learning from this app that we are not alone and there is help.. I never thought I’d find help for this that I’d just have to figure it out alone
@KKGM So glad @Janiqua G. decided to go out of their way and make this post! It’s great to feel connected through the hard times that we’re going through. If you guys ever want to talk my IG is: raggedy4ndy ❤️ I’m always here!
@AW💖 Wait I wanna join. My insta is @harplars i just got broken up with so my suicidal ideation/ocd is intense rn. And then twitch on top of it. Im trying not to spiral
@harper8 Followed you! I’m always here to talk. Mine is really bad rn too 💕
@harper8 I followed both of you! 💖💖💖 always here!
You guys have no idea how it feels to read this thread. I've been suffering with suicidal ocd for two years now and the news about twitch has seen me spiraling. I had "just right" ocd growing up but didn't know that's what it was, I just thought I liked things a certain way. Two years ago I went through some trauma that triggered my harm ocd. I've done therapy through the app and it helped for awhile but I feel like in some ways it has gotten worse lately. I'm so afraid I will one day get so tired of having ocd that I will want to off myself, and some people's comments are so triggering that I feel like I'm losing my mind. It sucks so bad!
@Anonymous Hi! I know exactly how you feel, and it’s so scary. I’ve also had this theme for about 2 years and it’s recently gotten worse. What helps me is knowing that these thoughts scare us and are intrusive. The fact that we’re looking for certainty is likely just our anxiety spiraling. We are so strong, and I’m always here to talk if you need. Add me on IG: bells.etc
@Anonymous Just followed you!
@Anonymous Hello. I have been dealing with this theme to this severity for about 2 years now. It’s like it never ends but I have had more good days than bad days this year. I think the darker, colder months makes us worse. I’m starting to think I have a bit of seasonal depression along with OCD. I was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD, generalized anxiety, panic disorder and mild ptsd. When my anxiety is managed, I feel fine. but as soon as my anxiety is heightened, the harm ocd is intensified. This is the biggest, most dreadful theme I have. I’ve experienced a little of all themes. even some that aren’t too common to mention. but this harm/suicidal ocd is so disheartening. I’m glad I made this post so people can feel comfortable telling how they feel. It has helped me a bit. I’m here whenever you want to talk.
@Janiqua G. Do you mind me asking if you take medication to help your anxiety/ mental health issues?
@KKGM I don’t mind. I tried an antidepressant previously but it didn’t work out for me. Im actually afraid of meds now because of my reaction. I have an anti anxiety medication that I take if it’s just too high but it’s a benzo so I try to stay clear of it. I wish I had a medication that could help me out though.
@Janiqua G. I have been the same way! I have been scared to take meds because the side effects are always awful but I have finally decided here recently I am going to try to push through the side effects. I feel like I deserve to have something help me along this journey and everybody that I know that takes them has assured me the “bad feelings/side effects” get better after a couple weeks and that it’s just life changing for them. I’m hoping the same goes for me this time.
@KKGM I really hope it does work out for you. I’m still trying to weigh out the pros and cons on my end. I may try again some day. we will see. keep in touch.
I struggled with this when I was 10. It was so scary and i was so young I didn’t know what it was. Just a reminder that OCD thoughts are distressing because they do not align with what you want.
@ccas6 do those thoughts still come about now?
@Janiqua G. They don’t ❤️ my OCD has changed a lot over my life. Now in my early 20s it’s less acute themes and more “just right” OCD with some health episodes here and there. My health OCD was much worse growing up and although I still have it, it’s found sneakier ways to get at me that aren’t specific illnesses :( but you are not crazy and your brain is not the only one doing this stuff. I’ve been there and my god it’s terrifying
@Janiqua G. This isn’t ERP (but i personally think suicidal OCD is hard to address with ERP) but something my mom said to me once that helped me SO much with suicidal OCD was “that does happen to some people and it’s so sad that it does, and some people do feel suicidal, AND fortunately you are not one of those people, and that isn’t a part of your story”. It helped me to recognize that yes it does happen, and it’s not happening to me.
@ccas6 I greatly appreciate you for sparing some time to speak with me today. You just don’t understand how helpful this was.
@Janiqua G. I am so glad to hear this was helpful. You are never alone❤️ suicidal OCD is terrifying, AND you are bigger than it
Omg, I thought I was the only one! I have been good for a solid day and a half and heard the news and immediately thought the same thing. It’s currently my biggest theme too. I struggled with Health OCD for a good while, and it did end up passing. I’m confident that in time and through ERP this one will too. Thanks for sharing, despite the circumstances, it’s nice to feel like I’m not the only one Janiqua! ❤️
@AW💖 This theme has probably been the hardest one for me to get through. I’ve been dealing with it for 2 years now and I just feel like I’m drowning. I hate that you experience this but I feel comforted knowing my brain isn’t the only one putting up this kind of fight. I also had health ocd that passed.
@Janiqua G. I feel the same way! I’ve been slowly overcoming it. But slowly. It started around August for me. I know in time this will pass too. We’ve got this!
@AW💖 Thank you so much for sparing some time to talk with me. It means a lot.
I, like many others, don’t experience one type of intrusive thought, but am currently having suicidal OCD type thoughts. But these are the ones where I find it the hardest to work out if they’re actually my thoughts or just intrusive thoughts. They come if I’m reading an article about someone who’s committed suicide or if there’s a Tweet about it for e.g. and it’s like ‘that will be you one day’ or ‘I know I’m probably going to end up doing that.’ Sometimes I get worried about it and try to tell myself I won’t but then at other times, I just sort of accept it like, well if it’s going to happen it will. Can anyone relate? Thanks
TW// SUICIDE im gonna be really honest. i am not doing good. this is the worst ocd theme i have ever had. it feels SO real to me. i look at my self in the mirror and mourn the happy girl i used to be before december of 2019 when my ocd first hit. the fact that i will never be the same scares me and haunts me more than anyone can understand. everyday gets harder and harder no matter how much progress i make. i cant afford therapy right now but i need it so badly. i am genuinely in so much pain. i feel so guilty, and ashamed, and sad all the time. i cant focus on school work or anything anymore. i have had thoughts about suicide because i just want some relief. it hurts so much. i love my boyfriend beyond belief. it makes me so angry that ocd would attach to and manipulate something so pure and beautiful to me.
Anyone else feel like their worst ocd theme is harm? I have several themes but I’d rather experience any of mine than my harm ocd. When I get anxious over my harm ocd, I’m miserable but when I don’t get anxious, my ocd latches on to “oh so you like this? Could you do this? Do you want to?” Ugh. I just hope someone understands or can respond bc I’m in a bad flare and just want to know I’m not alone 😔. Mine was personally triggered by the Idaho murder thing that I keep seeing on Tik tok. I made myself watch dateline about it for ERP so I’m sitting with all the anxiety right now and I can’t stop ruminating. He had OCD (the criminal who did it) so of course that has me legit spiraling. 😣😣😣😣
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