The depressive symptoms on top of rumination is so disheartening. I suffer from suicidal ocd. Itās one of my biggest themes. Every since I heard the news about Twitch from the Ellen Show, Iāve been triggered. Definitely thought of myself and I hate having these thoughts!!!
I also suffer with suicidal OCD. My OCD started out small, worked into health OCD and now suicidal. Itās the biggest reason Iāve decided to see our professional treatment. Iāve done mostly āself helpā up to this point but I honestly have no idea how to even approach suicidal ERP and the thought honestly terrifies me so I 100% understand what youāre going through. The cycle is VICIOUS. Any time I feel ānot goodā my OCD instantly tells me that Iām becoming depressed and ill probably commit suicide and the thoughts SPIRAL from that point.
@KKGM THIS EXPLAINS ME SO ACCURATELY. When Iām fine, the thoughts are in the back of my head. I donāt pay them any attention. But when Iām not well or anxious, I always start to feel sad and then BOOM, the thoughts return HEAVILY. Even the harm thoughts against others. & like you said, it spirals. Wow.
@KKGM This is me too!! OMG are we all the same person right now? Iāve been heavily focused on the way I feel mentally and emotionally since this started happening. If I feel one ounce of sad, Iām like āoh no Iām sad, that must mean iām depressed, oh no does that mean Iām a danger to myself?ā I just canāt believe there are so many people going through this like me.
@Janiqua G. Itās amazing how similar different peoples experiences can be. I hate we all have to deal with OCD but it is nice to know we arenāt alone. Like you said, when Iām doing good Iām ok. They donāt bother me near as bad but when I feel the slightest bit more anxious or sad than usualā¦ it get way way worse and then itās hard to decide, āWell am I seriously suicidal or is this OCD??ā Because you donāt want to take chances and then that just makes it worse and you just want it to stop and then THAT makes it worse. Such a vicious cycle.
@AWš Definitely! I stay hyper focused on āhow Iām feelingā just incase.. it makes no sense but itās what my brain does to try to āprotect meā I guess
@KKGM OMG this is seriously me. Iām so triggered by the feelings of stress or sadness. My brain assumes I wonāt make it.
@KKGM We are literally the same person. Wow. You have helped me in ways I cannot explain.
@KKGM If any of you ever want to talk or start a chat for people with Harm O, feel free to add me on IG: @Bells.etc
@Janiqua G. Awh thatās awesome! It helps me for you to share your story.. makes me feel like Iām not crazy! Iām learning from this app that we are not alone and there is help.. I never thought Iād find help for this that Iād just have to figure it out alone
@KKGM So glad @Janiqua G. decided to go out of their way and make this post! Itās great to feel connected through the hard times that weāre going through. If you guys ever want to talk my IG is: raggedy4ndy ā¤ļø Iām always here!
@AWš Wait I wanna join. My insta is @harplars i just got broken up with so my suicidal ideation/ocd is intense rn. And then twitch on top of it. Im trying not to spiral
@harper8 Followed you! Iām always here to talk. Mine is really bad rn too š
@harper8 I followed both of you! ššš always here!
You guys have no idea how it feels to read this thread. I've been suffering with suicidal ocd for two years now and the news about twitch has seen me spiraling. I had "just right" ocd growing up but didn't know that's what it was, I just thought I liked things a certain way. Two years ago I went through some trauma that triggered my harm ocd. I've done therapy through the app and it helped for awhile but I feel like in some ways it has gotten worse lately. I'm so afraid I will one day get so tired of having ocd that I will want to off myself, and some people's comments are so triggering that I feel like I'm losing my mind. It sucks so bad!
@Anonymous Hi! I know exactly how you feel, and itās so scary. Iāve also had this theme for about 2 years and itās recently gotten worse. What helps me is knowing that these thoughts scare us and are intrusive. The fact that weāre looking for certainty is likely just our anxiety spiraling. We are so strong, and Iām always here to talk if you need. Add me on IG: bells.etc
@Anonymous Just followed you!
@Anonymous Hello. I have been dealing with this theme to this severity for about 2 years now. Itās like it never ends but I have had more good days than bad days this year. I think the darker, colder months makes us worse. Iām starting to think I have a bit of seasonal depression along with OCD. I was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist with OCD, generalized anxiety, panic disorder and mild ptsd. When my anxiety is managed, I feel fine. but as soon as my anxiety is heightened, the harm ocd is intensified. This is the biggest, most dreadful theme I have. Iāve experienced a little of all themes. even some that arenāt too common to mention. but this harm/suicidal ocd is so disheartening. Iām glad I made this post so people can feel comfortable telling how they feel. It has helped me a bit. Iām here whenever you want to talk.
@Janiqua G. Do you mind me asking if you take medication to help your anxiety/ mental health issues?
@KKGM I donāt mind. I tried an antidepressant previously but it didnāt work out for me. Im actually afraid of meds now because of my reaction. I have an anti anxiety medication that I take if itās just too high but itās a benzo so I try to stay clear of it. I wish I had a medication that could help me out though.
@Janiqua G. I have been the same way! I have been scared to take meds because the side effects are always awful but I have finally decided here recently I am going to try to push through the side effects. I feel like I deserve to have something help me along this journey and everybody that I know that takes them has assured me the ābad feelings/side effectsā get better after a couple weeks and that itās just life changing for them. Iām hoping the same goes for me this time.
@KKGM I really hope it does work out for you. Iām still trying to weigh out the pros and cons on my end. I may try again some day. we will see. keep in touch.
I struggled with this when I was 10. It was so scary and i was so young I didnāt know what it was. Just a reminder that OCD thoughts are distressing because they do not align with what you want.
@ccas6 do those thoughts still come about now?
@Janiqua G. They donāt ā¤ļø my OCD has changed a lot over my life. Now in my early 20s itās less acute themes and more ājust rightā OCD with some health episodes here and there. My health OCD was much worse growing up and although I still have it, itās found sneakier ways to get at me that arenāt specific illnesses :( but you are not crazy and your brain is not the only one doing this stuff. Iāve been there and my god itās terrifying
@Janiqua G. This isnāt ERP (but i personally think suicidal OCD is hard to address with ERP) but something my mom said to me once that helped me SO much with suicidal OCD was āthat does happen to some people and itās so sad that it does, and some people do feel suicidal, AND fortunately you are not one of those people, and that isnāt a part of your storyā. It helped me to recognize that yes it does happen, and itās not happening to me.
@ccas6 I greatly appreciate you for sparing some time to speak with me today. You just donāt understand how helpful this was.
@Janiqua G. I am so glad to hear this was helpful. You are never aloneā¤ļø suicidal OCD is terrifying, AND you are bigger than it
Omg, I thought I was the only one! I have been good for a solid day and a half and heard the news and immediately thought the same thing. Itās currently my biggest theme too. I struggled with Health OCD for a good while, and it did end up passing. Iām confident that in time and through ERP this one will too. Thanks for sharing, despite the circumstances, itās nice to feel like Iām not the only one Janiqua! ā¤ļø
@AWš This theme has probably been the hardest one for me to get through. Iāve been dealing with it for 2 years now and I just feel like Iām drowning. I hate that you experience this but I feel comforted knowing my brain isnāt the only one putting up this kind of fight. I also had health ocd that passed.
@Janiqua G. I feel the same way! Iāve been slowly overcoming it. But slowly. It started around August for me. I know in time this will pass too. Weāve got this!
@AWš Thank you so much for sparing some time to talk with me. It means a lot.
so I need to get back into ERP, but itās so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mindās like yup make sure itās clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that thatās why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. Itās so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? Itās hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I donāt know many people with this exact theme. Itās such a scary feeling. And Iām constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if itās just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just donāt know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.
so I need to get back into ERP, but itās so hard to manage these thoughts and learn to deal with them. like I swear my mind has to make everything about it. Like every time I clean my room, my mindās like yup make sure itās clean so when your parents find you, or something so stupid like if I get a headache, my mind convinces me that I like the pain and that thatās why I get my thoughts because I actually want to do it. Itās so exhausting. Because I know I would never want to take my life and I treasure my life so why does it do it to me? Itās hard to comprehend the fact of these thoughts too because I donāt know many people with this exact theme. Itās such a scary feeling. And Iām constantly questioning whether I have actual depression or if itās just my OCD. Yes I have been diagnosed with suicidal OCD, but my mind still tries to convince me otherwise. I just donāt know how to let these just sit and pass without panicking.
Starting in high school, I became very suicidal, and it became my āsafety netā of all went wrong. I know itās dark, but I was in a really bad head space and I saw suicide as my escape if I couldnāt fix my life. It got to the point where I was constantly thinking about suicide (literally every day, multiple times a day). Over the last year, Iāve gotten better and I think about it less. But then my OCD grabbed hold of itā¦. Now, if I do something wrong or embarrassing or if I struggle in a social situation (which is often š ), my mind says ākysā, ājump off a bridgeā, and so on. Itās like an automatic response with my OCD and it makes me so uncomfortableā¦ Iām trying to get better. I donāt want to die. Sure, I still get pretty low, but I always push the thoughts away now instead of welcoming them like I used to. But with the intrusive thoughts being nearly constant now, itās kind of scary. I dont know what to do to make them stop since the intrusive thoughts are just so automatic at the slightest feeling of discomfort. I have a therapist, but I dont know how to bring this up with her. Iām too nervous to even admit to suicidal thoughts, not to mention the intrusive thoughts theyāve turned into. It kind of feels like itāll never go away.
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