Porn memories torturing me

I forgot to mention that escalation can play a huge role in this. Escalation happened when you get tired of the videos that usually work and you jump to more extreme topics just to feel the same way you did last time. It's horrible and I'm always ashamed that I fell into it. It makes me so upset to think of young children coming across stuff like this, without understanding the long term effects of what it can do to them. We get so trapped by the manipulation it serves on the brain's dopamine that it's hard to say no.

@BigGip09 Thank you for responding with your own experiences. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, too. I just can’t shake the feeling or thoughts that say this means there’s some bad part of me I just haven’t acknowledged. It’s really torturous. I don’t want to believe it but it won’t go away. I’m very worried. I think escalation is a real thing that played a part, though hard to know because the timeline and everything else I watched can be fuzzy. Do you have any advice for this sort of thing? Do you really think it doesn’t mean what I fear it does? Thank you

@KStar Also I wonder about false memories, if I’m exaggerating any aspects. Idk it’s hard and f*cked up

@KStar I think you should just understand that something happened to you when you were really young. Porn came into your life and you may not even remember how. I don't remember myself, but I know this: When it comes to being teenagers, we want to figure out more of the world. We wanna be able to communicate with each other in different ways and understand what more is out there for us. Again, I don't know how I found porn so early in my life, but I do know that I was going through a lot of difficulties through high school and I used it to regulate my mood. I still struggle with it and my body still thinks I need this sort of thing to regulate how I feel. I would also say try to accept that this is in the past and it isn't meaningful to who you are now. You learned from this and you now know what was going on with you. Before you couldn't have, though it sounds like you did the best with what you had. Porn can be very damaging for people and the escalation part is what really messes people up. There's even celebrities like Terry Crews and Billie Ellish that have spoken about how pornography ruined them in some ways. That doesn't make them any less of who they are though. Shame and guilt can be troubling to deal with, but compassion for yourself is what's going to help. I have a mixture of false memory stuff and things that really happen, just like you. It sucks to know that I fell so far in something like that, but I just try my best to not let it get to me fully. There's even times where I worry I am what I fear and I'll be in jail one day. It still follows me around sometimes. I don't know. It really bothers me and I hate that this did so much damage to me, but I've just been trying to stay away from it all. Sorry, I don't have the best answers for this at the moment. But you aren't alone, that's for sure.

@BigGip09 Thank you for your response and kind words. Thing is this didn’t just happen as a teen, pretty sure I was also a young adult and looked at this stuff. This is what nauseates me, perhaps more so, even though my OCD wouldn’t probably attacked my teenage years anyway. But it’s just something that keeps torturing me and I don’t know how to think about it and myself.

@KStar And idk how false these memories are, rather they are in implant fuzzy, with some clear snapshots. But idk..

@KStar Unfortunately there's been several times where I've come across suspicious disturbing content that involved moral breaking content, fictional and real without even having to search for it. Hell, I'll search for things that are the complete opposite of trash like that and still find it. Regardless, I'll always be worrying about the age of the people so I'm just over this crap. I still remember the distress I found myself in when I was 18 and discovered such disgusting, downright horrible videos of children that are being viewed by people who do more than just watch those videos. It's sick. Videos like this on YouTube have probably always been around. Unfortunately I've even found videos like that when I was much younger. It sounds like porn has been a problem for you for a really long time. You don't sound like someone that's out to harm someone in any sexual way. You sound like you care and you don't want to do anything bad like that. I think porn had traumatized you in similar ways it has for me. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you now?

@BigGip09 I’m 24, I’m really scared that even if I wouldn’t hurt someone that this means I’m attracted to underage people in some way. Which fucking disgusts me and goes against everything I thought I knew about myself. I’m terrified. I just want to go back to thinking about normal shit but I can’t

@KStar I'm 21, so we're in a similar age group. Honestly, I think you should try to just understand that this stuff really messed with you when growing up. You say you're terrified of the idea of being attracted to underaged people, which pretty much fits the definition of POCD. The thoughts must suck when they come up too, and I'm sorry about that. I get the same thing sadly. I hate how this affected us so much. It can be hard to just forget about it and be compassionate when these things really did happen. Do you plan on removing porn from your life? That's what I've been doing. I've been trying to go 90 days without it because I see no use for this substance being in my life. It distracts me and it's making my brain function worse when it comes to anxiety and dopamine being manipulated because of it. I think that would be best for both of us. I also read that early exposure to porn can really take a toll on children and teenagers, thinking that what they see is acceptable and won't harm other people. Even adults can get caught up in regrettable behaviors because of this if they aren't careful

@BigGip09 Yes I have been taking porn out and just not watching it because I don’t think I can handle it rn. I don’t think porn itself is bad but yeah. Been dealing with new triggers telling me that whatever was going on in the past still exists in me. Then had a dream about it. I’ve been trying to push past it though, hard as it is. Hoping new medication may help. Along with some therapy. I hope we can move beyond this and no longer be consumed by it. Though it’s difficult. If you have ways you pull yourself from these kinds of spirals I would be interested in hearing them. I’m still new to treatment so I don’t have much advice myself unfortunately. Thank you for talking to me though I think it really helped.

@KStar That's good. I'm glad you've been getting therapy and taking anything that can further help you out. It's really hard but not impossible. I still don't think you're what your OCD tells you. I just think that can happen to people that have been exposed to this stuff at a young age, including me. I personally don't think porn has a place in this world and it isn't needed whatsoever. The only reason it comes this far is because it's a manipulation on the natural human desire, only it can't be replaced. Just my opinion. I'm glad talking to you has really helped you. It helped me as well because it helps to know I'm not alone and other people aren't. :) You've got this! I think your life will improve so much more without the use of pornography and you'll be happier. :)

@KStar The only way I could think of pulling myself out of this spiral is to accept that I'm ruminating and that is a compulsion. Best thing you can do for now is catch yourself in compulsions

Thanks. It's just hard to see past through, well, the past sometimes. It can hurt somedays too

@OneDayAtATime I don’t know how to do this. I feel horrible. Especially knowing there are people that love me, and that I feel would see me differently if they knew. I can’t take it. I just want to forget.

Well, at least we aren't alone. We understand what that's like and it fucking sucks. But it also shouldn't mean anything about us in a negative light. Unfortunately we just got wrapped up into this when we were very young. I'm trying to take this in but it's been messing with me a lot tonight. I want to believe the things I'm saying but the thoughts just make it so hard

@strawbmlk Problem is I’m pretty sure I wasn’t just underage when I watched this kind of stuff… I feels so foreign to me because it disgusts me and not something I thought about majority of the time… but idk what this says about me. It’s causing one of the worst episodes or spirals. I feel like a monster, like I’m someone I didn’t know. Because I forgot about this for a long time, and have always hated that kind of stuff, but I have these memories.

@KStar Hey. Are you doing okay now? How are things?

@BigGip09 I was for a while but now I’m back to breaking down over it

@KStar How do you think you got over it? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I haven't been fixated on my own experience with it but it comes and goes. Anxiety as a whole is like that

@BigGip09 Idk, I don’t know if I really got over it. I guess I distracted myself and was able to not think about it so much for a while. I’m trying to do that now but I can’t stop thinking about it it keeps popping back up. I’m incredibly worried. I can’t enjoy anything because I don’t feel like I deserve to

@KStar I think distracting yourself can be a decent way to help you with this. Although too much of it can be compulsive. When it comes up though, don't try to push it away and let the thought sit there. I know, it's annoying. But it's better than taking the entire day to ruminate about it and drain your overall energy about it when it's in the past. I think the best thing you could do is accept everything but also be compassionate and forgive yourself. I remember that you had a bad exposure with porn when you were young and that's something you shouldn't fault yourself for. That contributed to this event and thus, your anxiety and obsessive thoughts lean to this. Why? Because it's something you care about. If you didn't care then this wouldn't bother you one bit. That's another thing I like to remember about these things. I hope this helps. it also helps that you aren't alone

@BigGip09 Thank you for your kind responses they really help. I guess it’s hard to shake the worry that I “am” something horrible that I don’t want to be because I “did” the things I told you about. It’s terrifying, but thank you. I’ll try to keep what you said in mind.

@KStar I'm glad it helps. Everytime I go back to this I see that you mention this occured in your early teens where you WERE a teen into your early adulthood which is where I'm guessing this not only ended but you saw that it wasn't something you should keep doing as you got older. I've seen similar things to that when I was a teen. I've even had instances where I deliberately wanted to see other teens when I myself was a teen. It's not unethical for teenagers to be attracted to other teenagers in their age group, but at the same time teenagers should not be included with graphic material like that. This isn't me saying that you were wrong though. Not at all. It just sounds like you've learned from this, this really bothers you, and you don't want to repeat it. I'm the same way. Problem is when it comes to anxiety and OCD, we constantly think about the things we DON'T want to think over and over. As if our brains are purposefully wired to have type of thinking which stems from the anxiety and nervous feelings in the first place.

@Schroder I don’t know how can do that with something as morally abhorrent as this though. Do you think my fears are unfounded?

I'm currently having OCD about slurs and this is something that's never happened before, so I'm just doing the same by letting it pass and not engaging. Because thoughts don't mean facts, right? I'm trying to do the same about the past experiences with porn too.