lu22

Date posted: 2y

Is this ocd or am I really a bad person now?

I tested myself by deliberately imagining suffocating someone with a pillow and I did get a surge of anxiousness but for some reason it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that horrible action and stopping someone from breathing. I have been having so many break downs and crying so hard and I’ve just started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and now I feel like I don’t know what to do. I feel sick and it’s just disgusting I feel terrible, was I a good person but now I’ve imagined doing that and suddenly Like doing that now? I really just want to be normal I’m scared I don’t want this to be my reality I just wanted a normal life, I just want to be happy and do things I enjoy but now I’ve got this disgusting feeling and I don’t even know if it’s true or not, is this ocd tricking me? But how can I misunderstand my feelings? And I keep having disgusting thoughts now that it feels good to do that and I feel terrible, I can’t live my life like this I don’t want to be bad or crazy, please say that ocd is tricking me, I don’t want to like the feeling of suffocating someone or hurting someone, I’ve always been a good person, I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone, I’ve always wanted to help people and loved helping people, what is this horrible thing I’m dealing with? Have I suddenly Discovered that I like doing this horrible thing and it makes me feel good?? Please I don’t want any part of this please

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Hi there no you are not a horrible or bad person. I have exactly the same feelings. Have you tried the sos on here? I tried yesterday and found it useful

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 I haven’t tried the sos yet. I’ve genuinely started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and I’m desperate to do it and it’s really scary. My head keeps thinking of scenarios where in the future I won’t be able to be alone with an animal or a kid because Now I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and it’s really scary, when I have intrusive thoughts I don’t even get anxiety anymore and when I deliberately test myself I get a bit of anxiety but not like a dread kind of anxiety and instead feel like I like the feeling of doing that. I don’t feel like I’m a good person anymore I don’t know what to do 😞

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I think this is the power of ocd at its worst. I have felt and convinced myself also that I really want to harm someone in the past and the other day. The reason I mentioned the sos was because it seemed to just slow my thoughts down so I could be more rational.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 I honestly don’t know what to do I just feel like I don’t trust myself and I don’t know how I’m going to fix this, it feels like the only way it would be fixed is if when I tested myself again I got a really strong negative reaction and it didn’t feel like I liked doing that, but that never happens, the thing I’m scared of now is that after frequently testing myself it’s so easy to bring on the thoughts and then get that horrible feeling of liking doing that so I’m worried I will bring on that thought/feeling when I’m alone and act on it because I ‘like the feeling’ I don’t want this I’m scared it’s a desire now and that I’m desperate to feel the feeling of doing it and it’s scaring me a lot, it’s strange because on one hand I find this disgusting but at the same time I’m believing I like the feeling of doing that

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

You mention ‘that horrible feeling’ which shows that this is ‘egodystonic’ forgive spelling!

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-violent-obsessions/

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

This I find is a good page to read through

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Thank you, do you find that the anxiety you get or feeling in your chest makes it feel like you like or want to act on the thoughts?

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

I am not seeking to reassure you as this is not helpful with ocd however I know that I have tried to educate myself as much as possible

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 I think with ocd although reassurance can be counterproductive I think in some cases it is needed if you are too overwhelmed or struggling

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Definitely x

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Another thing is because I have been obsessing over thinking I like the feeling of suffocating, it’s like today I was making a drink in the kitchen and my cat jumped up on the work top and he brushed his nose against my hand and I get this anxious feeling and start thinking about those thoughts because I’m worried I want to smother him and I went to stroke him and it feels like I’m so close to putting my hand over his nose and I’m getting anxiety and it feels so real or feels like I would like the feeling or that I want to and it’s horrible am I confusing an urge for liking the feeling? But how is that possible? Another thing is there was a makeup sponge in my bag and I didn’t know it was in there and I put my hand in my bag and picked it up and got anxiety because the texture of it felt like a pillow and because my intrusive thoughts have been about pillows I got anxiety

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I’m so sorry you are struggling with this and all I can say is I have honestly had the same thoughts for going on nearly forty years. Are you having treatment?

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I’m so sorry you are struggling with this and all I can say is I have honestly had the same thoughts for going on nearly forty years. Are you having treatment?

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 No I’m worried to tell a counsellor and I don’t even know where to find one because if they are not educated on ocd they might think there is something wrong with me, I keep deliberately imagining things over and over but I’m just getting mixed signals one minute I will imagine it and it will feel like I really want or like the feeling of doing that and I’m getting anxiety and feeling like I need to go toilet but not convinced the anxiety is me being worried or not liking the thoughts but the after deliberately imagining over and over I start having no reaction to the thought like it doesn’t feel like I like the feeling of doing that but at the same time I’m just confused idk what to do and when I can’t cry my eyes out or get really anxious i just think there’s something wrong with me or even if I cry I think maybe I have a conscious bur not I like the feeling of doing that but because I’ve got a conscience I don’t want to be bad I’m so confused

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 How can you be dealing with this for 40 years?? Did it have times where it got a lot better or felt like it was almost gone? I’ve had this for 11 months and it is awful I can’t bear it

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Hello yes as a ten year old has harm fears and thoughts. I daren’t tell anyone. Never told a soul until I got married and finally told my husband saw psychiatrist and told them bits. Today got diagnosed with ocd. Yes it has always been there all these years and my way is coping was to try to ignore as much as I could. Grew up in seventies totally different era.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Yes!

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Please don’t be scared to tell someone about this I have told my gp and psychiatrist

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

lu22

Date posted: 23w

No therapy, harm ocd need advice Asap please

I keep getting these horrible feelings come back that make me feel down or like my life isn’t the same. It feels almost like someone is holding you over the edge of a cliff and sometimes they pull you back and you feel safe and the next minute they dangle you back over and you feel like there is a big problem again. I feel like I can’t forget how it felt it made me feel like I’m actually evil and I wanted it and enjoyed it and I can’t be normal now. I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I try to forget and be normal but when I do it feels like how do I know I don’t actually want to be evil because it felt like that? And now it feels like what if that’s my true nature and I’m denying it and that makes me feel like well if I’m debating about whether I am or not maybe I actually do want it? I try to live normally but I can’t because I have ‘this’ problem. The thoughts were about stabbing and it felt like it was actually about to happen and I got this weird feeling that felt like I was suddenly really happy about it and discovered why evil people enjoy doing evil things and now I can’t get over that feeling emotion?? Because now I’m thinking how can I forget it felt like that?? And that feeling must still be there I’m jsut not looking for it like maybe if I sat there imagining those thoughts again maybe that feeling would come back ?? I don’t know what to do or who I am I don’t even know if I’m sad or if I’m worried or if I’m good or if I wanted that bad thing but that feeling has really affected me like I don’t know if I want to he evil or not and now I’m worried maybe I was impressed by that feeling what if I want that feeling again because it feels good what if because I felt like I was happy or enjoyed it now I want that again I’m so confused ?? What if evil people enjoy it and I’ve realised why they enjoy it and now I want that feeling again? I don’t know what to do

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