Things really won't get better, I keep getting new fears to obsess over. My newest one is that everybody is pretending I'm normal while they secretly think I belong in prison. It's destroying me, I feel like a fraud who doesn't deserve anything. I can't keep living like this! If nothing changes by April of next year I'm scared I might kill myself
It is not true. It is the OCD. It is very hard to remember in the moment but it will pass like the rest of the other obsessions. You cannot mind read and you have no idea what they are thinking. Here’s a tip: record your thoughts. Listen to it to externalize it and you will recognize that loop throughout your day. And when you hear it just remember it is that externalized voice that is the OCD- and it is looping in your brain. It is not you. (exposure therapy)
Remember, ocd will always latch onto something. So when one obsession quits bothering you, it’ll latch on to something new. I know it’s annoying. It’s like ocd has phases of what it latches too or is triggered by. Don’t let ocd lead you to suicidal thoughts! You are ok. I would recommend therapy if you haven’t tried it. Especially since you are struggling so bad. And rely on God! He is the very best and most important One in our lives. Prayers for you. Don’t give up!
You seem extremely disturbed. You’re letting the OCD win. These new fears should almost comfort you bc it’s a sign that what you’re dealing with is simply OCD — not reality. That’s what OCD does. It goes from one fear/theme to the next. You need to have faith in who you are and who you want to be one day. To me, it seems like you have no faith in yourself whatsoever. Believe in yourself. You got this.
Have you tried ERP therapy? It's helped me with my suicidal OCD obsessions tremendously.
I have a terrible fear of going crazy. This is a new obsession for me and this time i feel like i really can't deal with it. It feels like i am really crazy. Like i'm alone in the world, like i start to lose my memory. I fear that i will do something bad and won't remember anymore and things like that. At the same time, i feel guilt, shame, i fear that i'm prettending, that i'm just dramatic. It's unbearable, i don't know what i did to deserve this.
I'm so scared, it feels so real. It's like my mind finds every little thing to trigger me, even when I'm thinking normally. I have this permanent disgusting feeling now that won't go away, my mind twists everything into some disgusting thought. What if it is real and I'm a actually a monster? All I can think about are what ifs. I don't know how this could have even started, the last thing I want is for this to be true. I hate myself so much, I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I want it to end, I just want everything to end
It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture
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