lu22

Date posted: 2y

Really fed up please help I can’t live like this 😞

I don’t know what to do at this point everyday I’m stuck in the same loop because I have got it in my head that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing. Because for some reason when I imagined doing it to test myself I got anxious but at the same time it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that and I don’t know why, I don’t want to do that and it doesn’t make me happy thinking about these thought so I don’t understand why it feels like how it feels to do that I’m stuck in this loop of imagining the thoughts to test myself then feeling like I’m getting no answers or they it feels like I do like the feeling and then crying and telling my mum about it. Everyday we’re having the same conversation because I can’t get over this. There are no answers for me, I don’t like the fact that it felt like I liked imagining doing that but I don’t get it. I wrote down how i feel so I can try to figure it out so 1. when I try to test myself, I don’t like bringing on the thoughts 2. I instantly get an anxious feeling and feel like I need to go poop.(sorry bit tmi) 3.I don’t feel like I want to do that but for some reason when I imagine it it feels like I want to do that or like the feeling or doing that, and it’s been really worrying me I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something so horrible and I know I don’t want to do that. I don’t know if my feelings are misfiring or I’ve confused my anxiety with ‘liking the feeling’ but it’s horrible I feel so worn out by this whole situation but i don’t know what to do, starting to worry that maybe I do have ocd but now I imagined how it feels to do that and I like it and it’s worrying me. The only other thing I can think of is, is it possible that I’ve been having these thoughts for so long and it’s felt like an urge and I’m frustrated from having the thoughts but when I tested myself and imagined doing that I some how ‘gave in to an urge’ in my thoughts so not that I like doing that horrible thing but because it feels like an urge and I’m frustrated that i don’t even know what I’m trying to say but I just feel terrible ‘what if I liked the feeling of doing that in the thought because it felt like a relief to give in to an urge in my thought’ but I don’t actually want to do that so now I’m crying and ruminating constantly, there isn’t a day I don’t cry and I’m just lost, I’m walking around thinking I like the feeling of doing that but don’t want to do that?? I don’t even understand these feelings myself like I don’t even know what part of imaging that is making me feel like i like the feeling of doing that? Or what feeling is making me feel like that because I definitely don’t feel happy imagining these things so what is this? How can I like the feeling of doing something but not be happy about it and instead stressed 24/7 depressed miserable crying and a mess? Please can someone give me and answer it makes me feel awful thinking that I like the feeling of suffocating someone, it’s honestly terrible and I’m just stuck in a loop or ruminating/deliberately imagining and testing myself and crying and I’m starting to feel like there are no answers for me and I’m just a horrible person with evil desires. I’m only 19 I haven’t even lived my life but I’m stuck on this idea/feeling that I like doing something so horrible please someone give me advice

Orestis

Date posted: 2y

Hey I can understand you I'm not a doctor nor an expert but I can tell that you have harm ocd harm ocd is all about loop if you don't get help from a doctor then this loop will continue affect your life I know that you feel like a murderer or something like that but you aren't you are just a normal human being who loves life and could never harm anyone and that's for sure

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Orestis Thank you for your response I don’t understand one minute my life was normal, in fact I was always scared someone would kill me and I was scared to sleep with the lights off ect. And the next minute my life is ruined, it’s so scary, how I’m actually believing it and it feels so real 😞

Orestis

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 You got this mate I know it ❤️

Orestis

Date posted: 2y

The best therapy for harm ocd is ERP that can really help you with ocd

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

this is all classic ocd, i had the EXACT same feelings when my ocd started 2 months ago, there is no need to worry, that feeling of yours is your fight or flight mode when anxiety strikes by, it is all just anxiety and ocd trying to trick you

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

ik it feels like its not gonna get better but trust me it WILL, i'm still fighting this miserable thing but it gets easier and easier each day, with therapy meds and ERP i'm getting closer and closer to getting better, and if i went trough the same thing and can do this, you can too!

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 and i'm also 20 years, so trust me, it CAN and WILL get better ^^

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 Omg thank you so much for this I’ve been feeling so terrible I’ve been having this horrible problem since February of this year and it’s been the worst year of my life, feel like my life hasn’t even started and was already ended because it this problem, its not fair everyone my age is out having fun and enjoying their youth and I’m sat here feeling like this 🥲

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 you're not your thoughts neither feelings, you are your actions

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 I want to get therapy but I’m scared to tell a stranger, it’s been hard to open up about this even to my family, I have ethnic parents and this problem is unheard of and not easy to talk about to them as well

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 don't worry about that, the first step is talking about this with a person you trust and ofc a therapist, after that things get a bit easier

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 I’m going to try to find a therapist then, I have been struggling with this on my own for long enough

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 that's the spirit!

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 i even used to avoid things i liked to because ocd, i loved to play violent games and watching action animes or movies, when my ocd first stroke i was so afraid of being a bad person that i stopped doing things i loved, it is so tricky

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 If your okay with it, is there any other social platform I can contact you on, knowing there is someone the same age and going through the same thing, makes me feel a bit better, it’s okay it you don’t want to though

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 I’m starting to think my problems may have gotten like this because of anime lol

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 my thoughts started when i watched a movie called american psycho with some friends, i used to have intrusive thoughts (everyone does) but then i had the miserable thought of comparing myself to the psycho in the movie and everything started to go down

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 oh of course, what do you use?

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 I don’t really use much socials but I can give you my number or tiktok

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Hi Lu I am just resting to psych myself up to start ERP gently myself while I wait for CBT. This condition is like Orestis said that is, a loop that plays over and over.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Really fed up please help I can’t live like this 😞

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