My OCD Experience (Perfectionism/Repetition)

My ocd has most been a struggle in relation to procrastination. Over the past couple semesters, my anxiety would spike and my will to do assignments would drop dramatically. My friend notes that her ocd used to spike when she was stressed and suggested I may have the same problem. My mind and body almost go into a coma like state where all I want to do is lay around and avoid my assignments. This then reflects on my self image and how I view myself creating a negative thought space because I will relate my success on the classroom to my self confidence and self value. Among other things I get urges stronger sometimes than other times to do something a certain way. And it’s not in the traditional way that you see on movies where someone has to turn a door handle 7 times before they can go through that door. But more like an urge to do something and if it’s not done in that exact way, it just feels off, wrong and not right. Sometimes it’s wanting to listen to a specific song, or laying an object down a specific way, or laying down in a certain position. Sometimes it’s an order of doing things obsession. For instance; one time I was getting ready for the day. And I visualized for myself a perfect routine and order of things that I needed to get done so that I could prep for the next day. I got through a couple of tasks but then realized I couldn’t find my lifting shirt. This for some reason threw me over the edge, and out of frustration I could not finish the rest of my self assigned tasks. This sort of plays into the procrastination thing I think. Trying to self asses this mentally is very challenging. Trying to diagnose these invisible urges that have always been “normal” to you and deciding whether they are from the cause of OCD or not has also been difficult. This semester I finally decided to see a therapist, and it didn’t go so well. Some how he forgot the reason behind my appointments being ocd, and he failed to reschedule after two weeks of visiting. Pretty embarrassing and frustrating overall. While trying to assess whether I actually had OCD I found out that my dad also has OCD. So maybe it something that can be passed down. It seems like my ocd really “took off” when I realized I had it. The way people react to this has also been interesting. I don’t think people have enough information on what OCD is and how it really works. Most people think of it as an obsession to washing your hands a certain amount of times, or doing routine things a certain way. A lot like Bill Murray’s character from what about Bob. But for me it’s so much different. Almost embarrassing or shameful sometimes to me because of the way some people have reacted when I tell them I have ocd. One professor comes to mind who gave me a strange look. I also worry about telling a girlfriend I have OCD because I hate them to think I have some large over-looming mental problem. That’s all the thoughts I really have on that as of now.

Killian

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 2y

Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I resonate with everything you’ve shared here. It shows that you’ve done a lot of work to identify your obsessions and compulsions. I know exactly what you mean about the urges to do things “just right”; they can be so frustrating to deal with. I also resonate with avoidance/procrastination, which I’ve learned is a super common compulsion. I will say, with the right treatment, these things don’t have to take up so much space in your life! Resisting compulsions and practicing doing things imperfectly (not avoiding them) is a huge, challenging but ultimately super rewarding part of the process. In terms of your dad also having it and your noticing the symptoms increase with stress, absolutely! OCD is thought to have both a genetic and environmental component, kind of a combo of biology and stress. I totally feel you on trying to notice how much of your behaviors may be related to OCD—once you see it you can’t unsee it! I’m really sorry to hear you had that negative experience with a therapist. It’s such a let down when you seek therapy (not an easy task!) and then you don’t get the support you need. Especially given exactly what you said about the misinformation and lack of education about OCD. Following OCD therapists and advocates on social media has really helped to remove the stigma of the diagnosis for me. It’s also ok to tell people on your own timeline. I hope you can find some solidarity here and see you’re not alone! And you are ever interested in trying therapy again, you are definitely in the right place. All of NOCD’s therapists are trained in ERP (the evidence based treatment for OCD), so please know you can schedule a call any time to talk through your options.

Mikey82

Date posted: 2y

@Killian Wow man, I can’t believe someone actually read all of that, and broke that down for me. You’ve not only answered a lot of questions for me, but you’ve also helped me feel heard. Figuring this out on my own so far has left me feeling a bit isolated, but I’m glad I’m not alone in this and that people really do care. This feels like the first step towards proper healing and I’m so thankful for people like you.

truetrev

Date posted: 24w

An Intro to Trevin

Hi everyone, My name is Trevin (24,male,he/him) and I’m new to this app and this is my first post. Here’s how I’m feeling today: OCD frustrates the hell out of me. Mostly when it becomes hard for me to comprehend. A few weeks ago I had convinced myself I have Huntington’s Disease (or will have it in the future). I was reading symptoms that overlap with how I was feeling at that time, and started drawing connections to my life. Some large connections, like my grandma who has parkinson’s, and my psychiatrist augmenting my SSRI with memantine, fixating on “what it means” for me, a young, healthyish individual to be on an “old person” drug. Some longshot connections linked to Huntington’s, like my above average intelligence and large head size. Each symptom I found that “clicked” my OCD made the anxiety ramp up. I shut this down fairly quickly as I could tell it was unrealistic and it felt very clearly that it was OCD. However, on days like today, my OCD is a much more undefeated beast, not dissimilar to a Rancor. Unfortunately I am not a Jedi. Today, my OCD just feels like nothing feels right. I feel like my entire perception of the world is different today. I’m drowning in it. The sky looks different, the coldness against my skin feels more piercing than it normally would. My thoughts just feel like a whirlpool, like I can’t place a finger on a single thought I have. They are moving fast and swirling like a galactic orb or nebula. Everything just feels “off”. And that makes me frustrated and angry. I feel like I have no control of myself. TLDR; I fucking hate this disorder. And I hate its name too. More often than not, I don’t feel like I have an obsession or compulsion. It’s just a feeling or perspective distortion. Maybe a better name for OCD is Control & Doubt Disorder, or Obsessional Uncertainty Disorder. I hate searching OCD online and it simplifying the hell out of it: “Obsessions that lead to compulsions”. Girl, I wish it was that fucking cut and dry and easy to delineate. I still insist to my psychiatrist that I have a different disorder in addition to OCD, because what I feel doesn’t “feel” like OCD. They, of course, insists that this is OCD about OCD. Ugh, frustrated, whatever :P Thanks for reading 🫶🏻

Whit.D25

Date posted: 22w

1st post-What my OCD experience feels like. Pt1 Ig

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

AnonymousAnx...

Date posted: 22w

My OCD experience

I’ve always had OCD, and for most of my life it was little things that seemed manageable at the time or something that would phase out of my head within a couple days/weeks/months. But, the older I got the more severe it became, I’d find myself collapsing deeper and deeper within my own head trying to out think the thoughts that bothered me. About a year ago I had a thought that rattled me to my core. My brothers and I were watching a movie in our mother’s room when my youngest brother turned to me to say something. His close proximity to me triggered a fleeting sexually explicit image in my head and that thought caused me to spiral. Asking questions like, “are you attracted to your minor brother? Are you attracted to minors? Are you gay? Etc.” a couple days went by and my mental stability continued to crumble until I broke down to my mother, she was understanding and we found a a psychiatrist. I got on medication and for a while everything was slowly but surely trending in a positive direction. The thoughts would still pop into my head but they were becoming more manageable. As we all know OCD and mental illness comes in waves. Currently my OCD has been pretty severe. I feel those intrusive thoughts latching on in my head and it’s been very hard to kick them. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself being uncomfortable being in close proximity with my little brother because I feel as though I am capable of harming him in any way. And the more uncomfortable I become being around him the more I find myself lashing out in anger towards the people I care about the most. Those moments of anger cause me to spiral even farther as my head fills with ideas like “what if you are capable of hurting someone or even murdering them?” There’s times where these thoughts rattle me so much that I feel like it would be better to be in prison where I couldn’t harm someone or that even being dead would be a better solution than possibly running the risk of hurting someone in my life I care about. This is about the jist of it, a majority of the OCD I have is centered around the idea that I am capable of harming my little brother physically, mentally, sexually. It’s been exhausting and it feels like there is no end in sight.

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My OCD Experience (Perfectionism/Repetition)

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