lu22

Date posted: 2y

Don’t know what to do anymore harm ocd

It’s just gotten to the point where everyday I’m thinking I’m bad and I’m just taking it as I’m choosing not to be and I’m miserable everyday and don’t enjoy life because I’m plagued with this horrible problem, it so easy to think about these thoughts and I’ve just got it in my head that I like the feeling or doing that horrible thing from imagining it and now I’m just miserable all the time. I don’t enjoy life at all, every time I have those thoughts I get anxiety and start feeling tense but it still can’t shake this feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ today I had a thought and didn’t feel much reaction, just kind of stopped what I was doing but didn’t feel anxious just kind of blank expression of fed up - but when I have that kind of blank reaction to thoughts I don’t know if I’m actually fed up or I’m taking being fed up and secretly am evil but then after that I went to touch this pillow (the object that stresses me out because my thoughts are around suffocation) and I just started tearing up as soon as I touched it. But I still don’t believe that I don’t want to do that, I’m constantly crying but I’m dead set on believing that it’s true and I’m bad. My mind keeps trying to taunt me creating these scenarios where in the future I’m bad because I’ve now got it in my head that I ‘like the feeling’ and that now makes the ‘urges’ feel worse and reinforces them I don’t understand how I can feel like I like the feeling or something I have 1.never done 2.cry over and stress over constantly but because it feels so real I can’t get Over this. I just miss being able to sit in my home or go wherever I wanted without feeling like I’m a threat and ‘like the feeling or Doing that’ worst problem ever feels like my life is over. Like my head will taunt me with ‘if your alone in the future with an animal and now you’ve got it in your head you ‘like the feeling’ (btw that ‘like the feeling’ also comes with anxiety and the feeling of needing to poop) and along with the urges you would actually act on it, and that thought makes me just feel so hopeless and horrible

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

you are ok! its a classical ocd move to feel real, you get these urges because you gave meaning to your thoughts, the more meaning you gave the more real it will feel

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 But why does it feel like when I imagined it, I liked the feeling of doing that in the thought, but I don’t want to do that and I cry all the time but now I’m thinking I’m a good person but now I have evil desires because I liked how it felt to imagine doing that 😞

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 you didn't, that can be described as anxiety provoking

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 if you liked the thoughts you wouldn't feel guilty neither ashamed, it is all ocd trying to trick you into ruminating

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 So maybe my anxiety is just confusing me? But I feels so real 🥲

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 this is the thing with ocd, it will always feel real, it will always find a way to make yourself doubt even more

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 you gotta stay resilient to the urges to react to your thoughts, fighting them only make em even more real, they are just thoughts, no matter how real they feel or how your body reacts, you are the one in control! :)

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 But I’ve been having the thoughts for almost a year now and I mostly have no reaction to them, in the beginning I use to get really anxious but now I don’t, and I just feel like I’m bad, I deliberately imagined doing that bad thing over and over to test myself to see if I would get anxious but instead it made me feel like I knew how it felt to do that and that I liked the feeling and it’s such a confusing feeling on one hand I feel like I ‘like the feeling’ but at the same time I feel on edge, uncomfortable and want to cry a bit after having it, but during it feels very real

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 Another thing is when I’m not having intrusive thoughts or urges my mind wants to think about these thing and imagine them on purpose because it almost like I’m constantly trying to test myself as to whether it’s true that I liked the feeling

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 thinking to yourself that you are a bad person still counts as rumination, you gotta let go ALL of it

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 you gotta stop testing yourseld tho which is also a compulsion

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 But what if it’s true

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 you wouldnt feel bad about it

alyssa_h

Date posted: 25w

i can’t do this much longer

i’m having a full on panic attack, i never used to be like this, what tf is happening to me, why am i like this, i’m so convinced i’m a horrible person and i deserve to be shut out forever because of my thoughts, i’m tired of struggling with harm ocd, i’m scared that because i have mental health issues i’m gonna end up ki!!ing someone someday or end up on the news, when i was at work earlier i kept thinking “how easy would it be to ki!! someone and get away with it” someone help, i don’t feel normal, am i crazy?… 😭😭i know that with ocd you’re not supposed to have reassurance and you have to be “okay” with the situation but.. how am i supposed to be okay with feeling like i could hurt someone…

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 23w

Anxious

I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 21w

Horrible, feeling anxious.

Hey guys. I feel like no one will even reply to my post. I feel anxious af. I could barley eat a plate of soup. I feel so drained and fatigued and feel the anxiety in my stomach. I'm just so worried I don't even have harm ocd anymore. Its just... I grew up in a household where swatting people was normalized like if you did something really naughty. I never really questioned it and I grew up thinking it was an okay thing and would sometimes swat someone when they are being naughty growing up and even recently. I would never swat someone at full force or enough to make someone cry just more like a hard tap to get their attention but it feels automatic? And even then it's really really rare for me to do, i much rather talk sternly or tell someone. When i do swat its bc like if someone scared me I guess I hit their hand and say "THAT SCARED ME" and we both start laughing or if my older niece was roughhousing with her younger sister and the younger one gets hurt and the older one laughs, I swat the older one once or twice on her arm as a discipline and say "what is wrong with you??? Why are you laughing? You are much older than her! You could've seriously hurt her." And idk how but i never thought like how wrong this is?!... and I feel like sh/t like ocd keeps saying "well you have swatting impulses when someone is misbehaving or if someone scares or hits you, meaning if you get an impulse to do something really evil instead, you wouldnt be able to control yourself huh?" And I started to get so anxious and scared. Ive NEVER acted out on the harm ocd thoughts (nor do i even want to) ive been getting daily for 4 years even when they are misbehaving. But i get so scared like WHAT IF I get an impulse to do the evil thoughts? What if I lose control?! Is this a history of violence/ low impulse?! Does this mean i would act out on my fears?! I've never wanted to do these thoughts before but i get scared like what if I do one day? This whole day ive been ruminating and asking ai for reassurance. I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person. I started to cry. I just cant anymore. I feel this weight on my chest. I feel so evil so irredeemable. I f/cking suck. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so much guilt and shame. Why am I still here anymore? Maybe i dont even have ocd and maybe i never did. This is just breaking my heart. I want to change and unlearn this swatting behavior as well for sure. :(

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Don’t know what to do anymore harm ocd

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