I saw this personality test thing, that said to choose the picture you get freaked out the most. The first picture I chose meant you are too stuck up in your mind (true), and the second one said you live in denial of your sexuality and gender. Those are my two themes. I am freaking out. I had to just get out of that video. It said that those were personality traits that you suppress, and that you normally feel the need to emphasize it. I am scared. So scared.

Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.

I read an article on NOCD. It was triggering. In article she mentioned having so-ocd. She mentioned so-ocd often gets misunderstood and that she had internalized homophobia. She also mentioned being ill-informed on her values. This has distressed me so much. It’s made me question what if I don’t have so-ocd. I also did an exposure. I was watching a YouTube video called signs I missed growing up that I was a lesbian. In the video she mentioned being infatuated with her friends that were girls. I felt like when I met a new friend I would obsess over them. Then she mentioned being uncomfortable in lockers rooms when they had to change and I remember feeling uncomfortable. She also mentioned having dreams with girls and liking it. Last night I had a dream that I was having sex with my best friend and that I liked it. I am married and have a 6 month old and have a fear of losing my husband.

Does anyone else with SO-OCD struggle with imagining a future partner and checking feelings? That’s been my biggest compulsion, and now I feel like I don’t want to end up with a man someday, or that if I do I’ll feel sad or lonely. I’m also sitting here imagining being with women and I can’t tell if I like the sexual thoughts or not anymore, or if my negative reactions mean anything. My face scrunches and I feel anxious and my temperature rises. I’ve been off this app for a couple weeks but still feeling anxiety pretty steadily. I keep imagining the future and getting this feeling and voice that I’m gay and I need to come out to everyone. It’s distressing and I don’t feel like myself anymore