ROCD about my partner due to intimacy issues

Hey all. First time posting here and I’ve been struggling a lot with this. My partner and I have been together for four years and he means everything to me. He was able to get me and my dog and sister out of our abusive home, has created a family with his family for me and we have been the best of friends. For the past few months he’s been experiencing low libido and it’s been frustrating for me as intimacy and touch are a huge part of my love language. I know he loves and cares about me but I’ve been having obsessive thoughts of whether this is the right relationship for me, if I’m betraying myself and what I truly desire and need, and fearing that I’m going to harm or coerce him into sexual intimacy when he’s not ready. We’ve reached out to a couple therapist to work on this but I keep obsessing and worrying about why if this doesn’t work out and that child we planned to have is going to disappear and the beautiful life we’ve created is going to disappesr too. This has been a confusing theme of OCD because while the feelings are distressing sometimes I fear that I genuinely need to stop betraying myself and break up because I’ve been such a big people pleaser all my life due to trauma. Why if I’ll end up in a sexless relationship my whole life? Why if he ends up feeling traumatized and coerced? I’ve experienced sexual assault and would never want anyone to feel that so it really coincides with my harm ocd. It’s made me feel really suicidal the last time we got into a fight and he felt he wasn’t enough. I hate making someone I love feel this way. I don’t know what to do or if this is even relationship OCD or genuine incompatibility

Username: MindiliniMindilini

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I get it. I am also a people pleaser and I have similar fears. This article is good: https://www.cameronmurpheytherapy.com/blog/rocd-or-wrong-relationship And the exposures I use from this article are: I have no clue if this is the right relationship, and I’m choosing to go forward anyway, because this person matters to me. I’m not sure if this is ROCD, but I’m going to treat it as ROCD and see what happens.

Username: Mau NLMau NL

Date posted: 1y ago

I do not know if this helps, but in the past being sexual has been a compulsion for me, both within relationships and when single. I did not know then. Only during my current relationship (3+ years now), i learned that i have ocd and that sexuality was/is a big part of it. During my brief bachelor periods, i felt a lot of unrest, which i tried to tame with sexuality. During my previous longer relationship, i stayed restless and anxious during the day as long as we did not have had sex yet. As said, only during my current relationship i realized that it has been a compulsion all that time. So i stopped taking initiative and tried to let it happen more sponteneously. After some months the urges went away, and now i can have periods of dans, that i do not even think of wanting to have physical connection. Could it be that for you, it might also be something different than "physical touch is my prime love language"? That one way to relax more in the situation is to try to loose the tension that is attached to it? I learned that i can have a fulfilling relationship with being intimate once or twice a week, and sometimes without physical intimacy for a longer duration. I also learned that in the beginning of my current relationship, my sexuality was actually creating distance, in stead of closeness.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve been doing a lot of researching success stories of couples therapy working out and asking my friends for reassurance about their experience with couples therapy. I just want to know it’s going to work out for us. I don’t want to force him into anything he doesn’t feel ready to do but I keep taking our lack of intimacy for over 3 months as a sign we are not meant to be even though I know he’s been stressed and going through body image problems. I want these thoughts to disappear and they’re getting louder and louder

Username: MartynaWlodarczykMartynaWloda...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Your partner is obviously extremely important to you. So is intimacy and feeling physical affection. Remember that OCD goes after what we love the most - no wonder it latched onto this particular area of your relationship. The best you can do is make the effort to stop rumination, catastrophizing, reassurance seeking, and any other attempts at getting certainty. As much as I know it might me anxiety-provoking to hear this, remember there is no certainty around whether or not your boyfriend’s low libido will affect the future of your relationship negatively or not. Lean into the uncertainty and see what it takes to be present in the moment without knowing for sure. Observe emotions; name them. What is your partner feeling? What kind of physical affection does he like? If sex is not what he feels like doing - which he has right to - perhaps just hugging or a gentle touch on a body part of your choice would be something he’d be willing to engage in? Don’t let OCD dictate what you physical love life looks like!

Username: SierrraSierrra

Date posted: 1y ago

@MartynaWlodarczyk This was extremely helpful to me

Username: Sunny4

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y ago

Help

Im in a really difficult place. I have had ROCD symptoms ever since dating my now husband. My doubts began to be about my love for him, is he the one, etc. When we got engaged and before that I was also filled with questions about what do I want with my life and fears of getting married keeping me from fulfilling/exploring my dreams. Fast forward and we have been married for 2 years. I still had those doubts but developed a fear of sex (had sex related ocd themes as a teenager) and this has made intimacy hard and put a strain on our relationship. We have been doing couples therapy for intimacy but it hasnt really helped. I am thinking I need ERP help, because even without physical intimacy, I am still filled with fears related to sex that I obsess over. The strain of all this and my intrusive thoughts have also led me to contemplate divorce. These intrusive thoughts have left me feeling depressed, loss of appetite, unable to sleep. Recently my husband expressed sadness about our lack of intimacy and my doubts about wanting to have kids (his big dream). It triggered even more anxiety and I kept thinking, should we just end this now? I have no energy to plan for kids and one of my obsessions is "do I really want kids? What if I dont?" I didnt dare say that though, I dont want to hurt him and I do love him, he is what I would want in a life partner. But I am struggling so much with my anxiety that its making it hard for me to function. How do I handle all of this when it feels so real and when there seem to be actual reasons for giving up on our relationship (fear of engaging in sex, not sure if I want kids). I would love to have the type of carefree life I see other couples have but I cant deal with all this. I feel stuck, dont want to do something I regret. My worst fear is hurting him. I have struggled to see all this as OCD since it overlaps with life things that feel so real. Wouldnt it make sense to call it quits if sex is problematic? But my thinking is obsessive and I have a history of OCD. Why do I keep feeling like giving up on us and how do I turn this around? Its hard.

Username: ROCDmensch

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD libido, compulsions

My recent theme with rocd is my sexlife. Sorry if this may be too personal or triggering for some. I try to keep it short. So basically at the moment I have almost no libido. And I catch myself ruminating whether this is normal and if it has something to do with my partner. I start focusing on his imperfections and check my feelings and if I feel aroused. It makes me very anxious. I try to be kinder to myself and not force sex or anything, but for me sex is very important and I would like to have a fulfilling intimacy. Maybe that's why OCD is focusing so much on it. My partner and I had problems with it before because of a sickness he had for a few months. At that time all I wanted was to be intimate and close to him, but it wasn't possible. Now that it is possible I don't want anymore and I feel so frustrated. Maybe I'm stressing myself to much, I also have hormonal problems (PCOS, pms)....any advise on this matter?

Relationship OCD

Username: kytalker

Date posted: 1y ago

Help

Hi everyone! I just wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that I did about something related to SO-OCD… I’m finally discovering that I might have this sub genre of OCD and have had it for a very long time. I have always felt awkward around other women especially in more intimate situations (like changing in the same room, laying in bed together or giving compliments about looks). All of this hit me like a ton of bricks when I got into a relationship with my boyfriend 2 years ago and our sex life started to decline after about 9 months of us being together. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I obsess over finding out why I have grown not attracted to him sexually. Am I a lesbian? Am I just depressed? Am I falling out of love with him? Was I ever in love with him? The list goes on and my obsession with it grows stronger. I’m so scared I will have to break up with him because I do love him and love spending time with him. I’m scared to start ERP therapy because I’m worried I’ll realize that it’s best to just let him go 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

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ROCD about my partner due to intimacy issues

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