ROCD about my partner due to intimacy issues

Hey all. First time posting here and I’ve been struggling a lot with this. My partner and I have been together for four years and he means everything to me. He was able to get me and my dog and sister out of our abusive home, has created a family with his family for me and we have been the best of friends. For the past few months he’s been experiencing low libido and it’s been frustrating for me as intimacy and touch are a huge part of my love language. I know he loves and cares about me but I’ve been having obsessive thoughts of whether this is the right relationship for me, if I’m betraying myself and what I truly desire and need, and fearing that I’m going to harm or coerce him into sexual intimacy when he’s not ready. We’ve reached out to a couple therapist to work on this but I keep obsessing and worrying about why if this doesn’t work out and that child we planned to have is going to disappear and the beautiful life we’ve created is going to disappesr too. This has been a confusing theme of OCD because while the feelings are distressing sometimes I fear that I genuinely need to stop betraying myself and break up because I’ve been such a big people pleaser all my life due to trauma. Why if I’ll end up in a sexless relationship my whole life? Why if he ends up feeling traumatized and coerced? I’ve experienced sexual assault and would never want anyone to feel that so it really coincides with my harm ocd. It’s made me feel really suicidal the last time we got into a fight and he felt he wasn’t enough. I hate making someone I love feel this way. I don’t know what to do or if this is even relationship OCD or genuine incompatibility

Username: MindiliniMindilini

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I get it. I am also a people pleaser and I have similar fears. This article is good: https://www.cameronmurpheytherapy.com/blog/rocd-or-wrong-relationship And the exposures I use from this article are: I have no clue if this is the right relationship, and I’m choosing to go forward anyway, because this person matters to me. I’m not sure if this is ROCD, but I’m going to treat it as ROCD and see what happens.

Username: Mau NLMau NL

Date posted: 1y ago

I do not know if this helps, but in the past being sexual has been a compulsion for me, both within relationships and when single. I did not know then. Only during my current relationship (3+ years now), i learned that i have ocd and that sexuality was/is a big part of it. During my brief bachelor periods, i felt a lot of unrest, which i tried to tame with sexuality. During my previous longer relationship, i stayed restless and anxious during the day as long as we did not have had sex yet. As said, only during my current relationship i realized that it has been a compulsion all that time. So i stopped taking initiative and tried to let it happen more sponteneously. After some months the urges went away, and now i can have periods of dans, that i do not even think of wanting to have physical connection. Could it be that for you, it might also be something different than "physical touch is my prime love language"? That one way to relax more in the situation is to try to loose the tension that is attached to it? I learned that i can have a fulfilling relationship with being intimate once or twice a week, and sometimes without physical intimacy for a longer duration. I also learned that in the beginning of my current relationship, my sexuality was actually creating distance, in stead of closeness.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve been doing a lot of researching success stories of couples therapy working out and asking my friends for reassurance about their experience with couples therapy. I just want to know it’s going to work out for us. I don’t want to force him into anything he doesn’t feel ready to do but I keep taking our lack of intimacy for over 3 months as a sign we are not meant to be even though I know he’s been stressed and going through body image problems. I want these thoughts to disappear and they’re getting louder and louder

Username: MartynaWlodarczykMartynaWloda...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Your partner is obviously extremely important to you. So is intimacy and feeling physical affection. Remember that OCD goes after what we love the most - no wonder it latched onto this particular area of your relationship. The best you can do is make the effort to stop rumination, catastrophizing, reassurance seeking, and any other attempts at getting certainty. As much as I know it might me anxiety-provoking to hear this, remember there is no certainty around whether or not your boyfriend’s low libido will affect the future of your relationship negatively or not. Lean into the uncertainty and see what it takes to be present in the moment without knowing for sure. Observe emotions; name them. What is your partner feeling? What kind of physical affection does he like? If sex is not what he feels like doing - which he has right to - perhaps just hugging or a gentle touch on a body part of your choice would be something he’d be willing to engage in? Don’t let OCD dictate what you physical love life looks like!

Username: SierrraSierrra

Date posted: 1y ago

@MartynaWlodarczyk This was extremely helpful to me

Username: LochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

SO-OCD and ROCD

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (sorry)! Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and are managing their OCD symptoms well. I have a question concerning SO-OCD and ROCD. A little background first: I developed SO-OCD (have been to therapy here at NOCD and therapist says I meet criteria for OCD and SAD so far) I can't really pinpoint when exactly this developed, but it seemed to have happened when I got depressed, lost interest in sex, then convinced myself that I lost interest in sex because I must be gay despite the rational part of my brain knowing that I haven't desired to be with the same-sex before. It spiraled into heavy rumination, obsessive thoughts and then avoidance. My long-term relationship ended (got cheated on) and that sent me down even further. I've always had low self-esteem, but this killed any semblance I had left. I couldn't sleep, had persistent anxiety, and just felt like my brain exploded from the shock of it all. It's been around 2 years since this ramped up, and it has felt like absolute hell on earth. Lately, my SO-OCD seems to not be triggered so heavily (not getting as highly anxious of the thoughts, and have noticed the thoughts slowing down in overall frequency and have been able to dismiss them easier than before), but I think I have started taking a liking to a gal the past few months, but don't trust my sense of feelings anymore. Some examples: 1) I think I have felt butterflies? But not sure if it is or just anxiety. 2) I am terrified of getting intimate or sexual (fear of embarrassment, or perhaps my "member" not working when the time comes) despite thinking about getting intimate with this lady. 3) Doubting that I actually have feelings toward her (thinking that maybe I'm just trying to force the relationship because I don't want the OCD to be true). Has anyone dealt with this with similar themes? It feels like my SO-OCD has kind of merged with ROCD or transitioning from one to the other. I have a tendency now to expect arousal from every close interaction with a potential partner and if it doesn't happen (like if we give each other a hug after work) then I doubt my attraction despite having been aroused simply by touch previously. I know it sounds goofy, but I think about it every-single-time ("welp, i wasnt aroused that time. I must not be attracted to her!"). It's all a lot to handle when trying to navigate a potential relationship and fear I'll never overcome this intense anxiety to sex/intimacy. So I avoid getting too close or putting myself in situations where these things could occur. Thank you if you've made it this far. This was tough to put out there, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. Again, I hope all is well for everyone and stay strong out there.

Username: kytalker

Date posted: 1y ago

Help

Hi everyone! I just wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that I did about something related to SO-OCD… I’m finally discovering that I might have this sub genre of OCD and have had it for a very long time. I have always felt awkward around other women especially in more intimate situations (like changing in the same room, laying in bed together or giving compliments about looks). All of this hit me like a ton of bricks when I got into a relationship with my boyfriend 2 years ago and our sex life started to decline after about 9 months of us being together. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I obsess over finding out why I have grown not attracted to him sexually. Am I a lesbian? Am I just depressed? Am I falling out of love with him? Was I ever in love with him? The list goes on and my obsession with it grows stronger. I’m so scared I will have to break up with him because I do love him and love spending time with him. I’m scared to start ERP therapy because I’m worried I’ll realize that it’s best to just let him go 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: caseydilla

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 46w ago

ROCD/SO-OCD combined

I have had bits of OCD and anxiety as long as I can remember but never in this way. I am in a 3+ year relationship with my now fiance. About 8-9 months ago I started heavily doubting our relationship.. doubting his love for and intentions with me and that we'd inevitably split up. That turned into me questioning my love for him. Questioning if my amount of sexual desire was "normal", if it's "normal" to find other men attractive if youre with the "right" one and that would go in and on. Then came the SO-OCD. These worries, fears, and doubts made me questioning EVER bit of my sexuality and that being the reason why I've felt a lack of contentment in my very healthy, stable, consistent relationship. I feel as though this is my body going full on protector mode!! I've had my share of trauma growing up and in adult relationships that have left me with tons of relational wounds and then pile on a lifetime of fantasizing about what it would be like to find "the one" (thanks Hollywood and social media lol). All of this to wonder if anyone can relate to all of this and how you've been working through layered traumas and OCD

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ROCD about my partner due to intimacy issues

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