lu22

Date posted: 2y

Harm ocd is horrible

Just constantly thinking that as long as I think about those thought I will get that feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ and will want to or act on it. So it feels like the thing protecting me from being evil is me not thinking about the thoughts so now I’m constantly living on edge in case I do dwell on the thoughts and I seem to think that if I were to be alone I would suddenly be bad or my head imagined these situations where I would be bad, like recently I made a friend abroad and I was imagining meeting them and then my head just wonders off into thinking oh and then you were alone somewhere and you acted on the thought and killed a cat and it’s like then I start feeling like I’m actually bad and can’t be trusted and can’t be alone because it feels so real like the other day I had a suffocation thought about my cat when I was alone and I got that same feeling of ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ and it felt like it was actually about to happen and that I wanted to because I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ and I just don’t know what to do with myself I do know that the only time I feel happy is when I’m not having these thoughts like when I forget about them and stop ruminanti g I feel so much happier but as soon as they come I’m convinced I liked the feeling of imaging doing that and want to but it’s still a stressful experience but I don’t even know it because it’s so deceiving I’m pretty sure it’s the anxiety that is making me feeling like I like the feeling of doing that or want to and it’s just awful because even when I forget about it my mind wants to think about it because I’ve been believing it and keep wondering if it’s true

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

I’m in the same exact boat as you, I actually feel like I want to do these things

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 No because when I imagined it to test myself it feels like I know how it feels to do that and that I ‘liked the feeling of doing it’ so now I don’t even know what to do with myself, I want to be normal but now feel like I can’t trust myself and I have evil desires and it’s just terrible, recently I forgot about it and I was feeling so much happier but it comes creeping back and it’s just horrible

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 It’s like other people in here say they feel extreme guilt from having the thoughts and at the start of this problem I was a wreck to the point I was physically shaking from fear but now I can deliberately bring on the thoughts and don’t feel guilt over having them because I see it as ‘testing myself’ instead I’m just worried I will be bad because I know I don’t want to be bad

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I don’t get any guilt from them either. I feel like I could do them without feeling guilty and that makes me wonder if I’m bad or actually want to do these things

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 I suppose it can feel really real if your playing it out in your head and could feel like you would actually do that but it’s just so horrible like the anxiety just seems to make it feel like I like or want to do that and I just don’t get it shouldn’t anxiety be making you feel like you hate it and at the start it was like that but now the anxiety makes it feel like I like or want to do that

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 like it literally feels like I know how it feels to smother someone with a pillow and Every time I have the thought I get anxiety and combined with how vivid the thought is of feeling like ik what it feels like to do that, it makes me feel like I like the feeling of doing that when I imagined it and it’s really horrible it makes me think the only thing stopping me from not Doing that is the fact I’m not dwelling on the thoughts and am not getting that feeling of ‘I like the feeling’

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Yea Thts what happened to me. In the beginning I would cry and be so stressed out but now I don’t even get scared from the thoughts because I am convinced I want to do them. I feel like the only reason I don’t act out is because I know I’ll go to jail

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 I don’t understand why it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that thought’ this all started when I tested myself for the first time by imagining doing that to see if I would get really anxious and I didn’t get really anxious but it also felt like from imagining doing that I liked the feeling of doing that but I don’t know if it’s because it was a vivid thought combined with anxiety and made it feel that way and then a thought came to my head ‘maybe it felt like a relief to do that’ and it scared me a lot

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 you can't be scared forever. if you don't cry over it anymore or is stressed 24/7 is because you got used to have these thoughts. having a thought doesn't mean you want or is capable of doing it, a thought is just a thought

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 one thing that helped me notice those thoughts was having ridiculous thoughts, like, i would imagine myself walking naked around the mall and i didn't feel ashamed at all. because it isnt happening, i wouldnt feel fine walking without my clothes on in any place, but in a thought i rly dont care at all, i've been treating my harm ocd thoughts the same way

StrawberrySh...

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 What do you say to your harm thoughts to make them seem ridiculous? I have such a hard time with that

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@StrawberryShortcake i don't, i still struggle with them sometimes, but what give me some kind of inner peace is knowing they are just thoughts, no matter how real and visceral they can feel and look, they are nothing more than spam in your email

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@StrawberryShortcake i still have the doubt, i still feel anxiety towards not caring about them, i still fear them sometimes, but still they are just thoughts

StrawberrySh...

Date posted: 2y

@kaio16 What about the urges and feelings that come with them? How do you combat that?

kaio16

Date posted: 2y

@StrawberryShortcake i don't, the more i fought the worse it used to get, "urges" and all those feelings are part of the intrusive thoughts system, we gave value and the more real it became

1996.

Date posted: 2y

I struggle with the same thing 😞 I’m almost starting to think I’m a bad person and all these things I’m scared of. It makes me so so stressed.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Harm ocd is horrible

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