lu22

Date posted: 2y

Harm ocd please help need advice

So can someone clear this up for me? So basically my harm thoughts around about smothering someone with a pillow and it got to the point where I deliberately imagined smothering someone with a pillow and in that moment I got bad anxiety but the thought was so vivid like it felt like I knew what it felt like to do that and that when I imagined it I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ I don’t know how I came to feeling like that but now I’m just believing all the time that I like the feeling of squashing someone with a pillow and stopping them from breathing and it feels so real. So today I was alone with my brother and I hadn’t really had any intrusive thoughts today I’ve been ignoring it and I made myself some food and I came to sit down (my bro was playing his guitar) and I went to sit down at the table and I thought nah I’m not comfortable so I went to sit on my couch and I noticed there was a pillow in front of me and then the unease starts kicking in, suddenly My mind is trying to imagine those thoughts about my brother and I haven’t let them come but it feels like I really want to think about it and I don’t know why, I keep thinking that if I imagine it, it’s going to again feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I don’t know if the reason I’m trying to have the thoughts is because I’m trying to test myself or if I’m actually bad and like imagining doing that since when I do imagine it I get this mild anxious feeling and it feels like I have to think about or that I like the feeling of doing that and I don’t know what to do, ik worried what if I’m frustrated and the reason why when I imagine it it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ is because it gives me a relief doing that because it felt like an urge for so long and now I actually want to and like doing that? It’s really scary I don’t even know what to make of myself anymore, the thoughts are desperate to come in like my mind wants to imagine that, but i don’t know if it’s trying to test myself because I got uneasy as soon as I saw the pillow, but it really feels like I like the feeling of doing that and I want to and im worried I wish this would go

BoringJohnson

Date posted: 2y

I understand how you feel Lu. It’s hard when you thought that you knew who were and what you were capable of and considered yourself a good person until Harm OCD came along and now you don’t know what to think. Our minds can be really creative to what it thinks of and the sensations it brings along, it’s also become an habitual state of mind to be in. I think more therapists need to address what you’ve expressed here as it would help out a lot of people, including myself At the end of the day, as hard as it is to accept, try to label it as OCD and one of it many ways it tries to keep us trapped. It’s easier said than done but try not to doubt yourself and the intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

Ah lu, i am so sorry that you have to go through this all. You know, your whole feed reads like one big mental rumination compulsion, analysing it all. It is this compulsion that keeps the obsession (the intrusive thoughts about the pillow, which have no meaning whatsoever, they are just thoughts) alive. So my advice would be to try to not engage with the thoughts, by noticing them, and each time you are aware of ruminating, going back to the present moment (talking with your brother, listening to him playing, whatever brings you back out of your head into the present). You have this!

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Mau NL I try not to dwell on the thoughts but it’s really hard because now it’s backed up with ‘you like the feeling of doing that’ I don’t understand how I can not want to do something but now feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ I feel like I’m crazy and can’t trust myself.I chose not to engage with the thoughts and now I’ve been questioning myself and ruminating on ‘are you just postponing being bad, because it feels like you like the feeling of doing that and want to’ it’s to the point where I’m believing this so much I don’t even know why I’m not acting on the thoughts because it feels extremely real that I ‘like the feeling of doing that and the thought feels so vivid like the whole thing, pushing the pillow and also feels like I stop breathing when I imagine it and then it feels like I know how it feels to stop someone breathing because I’m not breathing’ it’s really scary I’ve been ruminating on this for hours now with no reaction but as soon as I read your comment I start crying because I guess maybe if this isn’t true I am still suffering but I’ve gotten used to the suffering and don’t think I’m anxious about the thoughts 😞😞 I feel so lost I don’t see how I can live like this, it was bad enough it feeling like an urge that I would suddenly act on but now it’s feeling like through imagining it I liked the feeling of doing that and I idk if it’s the anxiety or what part of the thought that is making it feel like that but it’s awful I feel normal and suddenly these thoughts come and I’m not 😞😞😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Mau NL Sorry for long reply

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 No problem at all. I just hope that you come to realize that they are part of your pallet of compulsions

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

Yep, that feeling of the necessity to understand. Of 100% certainty. Typically ocd. The only way of finding relief in this all is acceping uncertainty, and trying to limit your compulsions.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Mau NL But how do I know that this feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ isn’t real? It feels really true and it won’t let me move on

kmfields

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I also have harm obsessions and I have questioned this myself. My compulsions are always picturing myself in the act to "test" how I feel about it. OCD often blurs the line of reality and the more you over think the more you question everything. When it comes down to it, we obsess over things that are often the opposite of what we want to do because we are so scared of doing that thing. As someone mentioned, you need to try to resist the mental compulsion and bring yourself back to reality otherwise you are telling your brain its something to worry about. If you truly "liked the feeling" when you think about it you probably would have already done it and you wouldn't be so worried.

Mau NL

Date posted: 2y

@kmfields Yes, well said. People with ocd are often the sweetest people you can imagine.

BoringJohnson

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 “But how do I know that this feeling of “liking the feelings of doing that isn’t real?” — Lu, you’re asking for certainty which you can’t get with OCD. You believe that if you know for certain that you won’t act on our thoughts or that you categorically don’t like the feelings you feel then that reassurance would make it you feel and ultimately beat OCD. But unfortunately OCD doesn’t work like that which is so annoying and leaves us in a loop, and then we say to ourselves why would I want to accept uncertainty about those intrusive thoughts and feeling because of how real they feel and what they might say or mean about me. It’s a hard battle to fight. I’m here if you’d like to talk, if you’re on the OCD discord server drop me a message my names the same on there.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@BoringJohnson I suppose if someone really did like the feeling they would be fantasising thinking of it but for me it feels almost like an impulsive feeling, like in the moment of engaging with tht thought it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ and want to act on it but on a day to day basis I don’t feel or want to do anything bad it’s only when engaging with those thoughts that it feels like that but now I’m worrying as long as I’m engaging with these thoughts and it feels like that then I’m bad . So basically when I imagine that thought I get this feeling in my chest like an anxious feeling it’s not extremely strong nor does it feel ‘horrible, bad’ idk if that’s because I’m use to it but I get that anxious feeling and that makes the vivid thought feel like I want to or like the feeling of doing that I don’t know how else to explain it but it’s really scary. The other day I was alone and I had the thought about my cat and it felt like I actually wanted to do that because now I ‘liked the feeling’ and it has been bothering me for days because it felt so real and I don’t actually know if I’m bad or good or whether this is ocd or maybe I did have ocd but when I imagined now I like it and have some sick desire and it’s just awful

BoringJohnson

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I understand you, you’re not alone.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@BoringJohnson Thank you for your replies, it’s very difficult 😞

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Harm ocd please help need advice

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community