Rocd is a liar

I get it. Once you come out of the deep end it's so much easier to see the good. But man it's SO hard when you're in there. I just try to keep in mind that I have made the choice to stay over and over, both in the exact same OCD episode I've faced countless times, and in the good. I just try to trust myself. Key word: try. Doesn't always help, but it keeps me from making rash decisions.

In my worst moments I just kind of think to myself: am I acting in accordance to my ideals and the things I want out of life (for me thats being creative, adventurous and doing things that add to that- drawing, writing, and exploring the world around me). And regardless of attraction, am I happy spending time with this person? Maybe I don't feel attraction. Maybe I do. Maybe I love this person. Maybe I don't. The answer is less important to me compared to what I want: which is to stay together with this person, and live life according to what I want out of it. This was kinda what my therapist taught me to think at least. It's taken a lot of ERP and thought exercises to get to a point of even trying to think: "Regardless of love or attraction, I am okay with the choice of staying with my partner."

@PearlescentParticipant This is the best way I’ve heard anyone put something like this. This is really helpful!

@PearlescentParticipant thank you for this! i struggle with so ocd and rocd so it’s really hard sometimes

@PearlescentParticipant For me it's not a lack of not knowing that I love my SO or know they are attractive to me, it's the struggle to feel that makes me overthink and question everything but I like the sentiment and power behind "I choose this person regardless of love or attraction" it just makes me wonder is it fair to our partners?

@Sero82 Omg I hadn’t thought of that…now I’m panicking that I’m being unfair to my partner.

@brandifleury Not to provide too much reassurance but it’s with these thoughts I try to remember that every single relationship has its struggles and if it weren’t you with your partner it would Maybe be somebody else with their own set of stuff unique to them. Unique baggage. We won’t know if it’s fair or not because who decides what is fair? The best we can do is live and make choices with good intentions.

@anxiousmollusk you’re very right 💙

@Sero82 Yeah I also have that struggle to feel things a lot- the past two weeks I felt nothing and I couldn't stop overthinking and trying SO hard to feel something. A lot of what I'm typing btw is stuff I think I need to hear, it might not necessarily apply to every relationship of course, since we all have our unique stories. I think so long as you are not doing or saying anything that overtly hurts your partner, you're being fair to them. I personally dont tell my partner about my intrusive thoughts/feelings (or lack of) most of the time because I know it might be hard to hear. He is happy to be in this relationship, even knowing I struggle with these anxieties. I just tell him during a bad rocd episode that I've got a lot of intrusive thoughts and it's not going great, so I might not be as close or upbeat as I usually am. Though I have told him in the past what these episodes look like, so he understands what can go through my mind. But yeah, rocd is tricky and it will try to make us feel guilty for a LOT of things though and overthink so much. It sucks. So be kind to yourself, cause it's damn hard. But your partner is also choosing to be with you, so I think they can decide what's fair or not and you can focus on your own growth. Just be kind, to both of you.

@anxiousmollusk Yes but at the same time... it is kind of unfair, somebody who doesn't have these issues doesn't have to worry abt such things really feels for us, and we are there questioning and wondering and saying it's okay for us to feel like that

@Sero82 I agree with that and I struggle with it often. But it’s something that’s up in our brains for those of us who do struggle with it, and something we have to work through that won’t just disappear next time. So is it just fair to us to not be in any relationship? We gotta try yknow what I mean?

@anxiousmollusk Right like, how is it fair to us then, like we don’t deserve to be in a relationship?

@Sero82 Every relationship has its own unique problems. Everyone has baggage. Some folks have complicated exes, some have parents who don't approve of their partner, some have clashing religions. We have ROCD. But we deserve to be happy in our relationships as we work through it, and our partners also have the choice to leave if our ROCD is something they cant handle. They can decide what's fair or what they can handle, I don't think it's on us to decide what's fair or isn't fair to our partners.