- Date posted
- 2y
I just want to live normally harm ocd š
So Iāve been having thoughts about suffocating someone with a pillow, ugh I hate even writing that but I kept having this feeling where it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that when I imagined it, today I was downstairs and I had the thought about my cat but I didnāt get that feeling of āI like the feeling of doing thatā and I started thinking āyeah Iām just being tricked this is all a lieā I went to see my mum in another room and I had a intrusive thought about the pillow thing about her and suddenly I felt like I had to have the thoughts, like I had to keep imagining it and that I liked the feeling of doing that and itās really horrible, I started venting to her about it and crying but now I just donāt know what to think. Unless it some how comes to me strongly that I donāt like the feeling of doing that Iām just going to constantly be thinking itās true? It feels like everyday Iām choosing not to be bad and when the thoughts feel like āI like the feeling of doing thatā it feels really real and I believe that Iām bad so much that I donāt even know why Iām not being bad. I donāt understand my feelings anymore, when Iām not having the thoughts I feel a lot better and happier but when I have the thoughts I donāt get any strong disgust feelings or like I hate it (I use to) now it just feels like I like the feeling of doing that and want to and itās really scary how vivid it is. I think the anxiety I get in my chest makes the thought feel like I like the feeling of doing that or itās an intense feeling that feels like an urge. I remember before when I use to get that intense anxious feeling over an intrusive thought it use to feel like an āunwanted urgeā and I use to quickly get out the room from how real it felt and I was scared but I deliberately imagined the thought to test myself and now instead of unwanted urge it feels like āI like the feeling of smothering someoneā and itās really confusing because itās feels like that but at the same time I know I donāt want to do that but itās just horrible I donāt know what to do, also when I imagine it, itās like my breathing stops because itās an intense thought I guess and I hold my breath and it makes the āsuffocation thoughtā feel even more real like I know how it feels to do that and I donāt understand why it feels like I like it and itās awful, I donāt want to like the feeling of doing something so awful, sometimes I have the thoughts and I have this head reflex thing where as soon as I have the thought I shake my head like ānoā or āugh what is that horrible thoughtā but other times the thought feels really real and intense but this feeling of āliking the feelingā is really messing me up like I donāt know what to make of it, say if Iām actually enjoying a sick feeling , thatās what it feels like and I donāt know what to do, everyday Iām choosing not to dwell on the thought because of what a terrible depressed state it gets me in but it feels like Iām just ignoring the fact I have everlasting desires, I just want to live a normal life. Before I had this feeling of āI like the feelingā I could just say to myself āitās just intrusive thoughts ignore itā but now that there is this confusing messed up feeling attached to it I donāt know what to do. Also when I have one intrusive thought there is like a feeling attached to it if anxiety that makes it feel like I know what it feels like to do that and that I like it and that makes my brain desperate to replay the thought to see if that feeling is true but now Iām worried say if itās not because Iām trying to test myself say if itās because Iām actually enjoying imagining how it feels to do that and that feeling of āI like the feeling is trueā I keep going on about this on here but Iām honestly at a loss, I donāt think anyone on here has experienced this same feeling, like it genuinely feels like through imagining doing that I know what it feels like and that I liked the feeling of doing that and my head is constantly worrying āsay if it feels like a relief to do thatā āsay you like the feeling of doing that because your frustratedā¦ it feels like no one else can relate to this and Iām just worried, I was fine before but say if Iāve understood something I shouldnāt have and now I like the feeling and want to be evil Iām really at a loss and donāt know what to do. Iām a 19 year old girl, I donāt have any friends, I left school early due to social anxiety and Iāve never got to experience romance and now it feels like everything is gone because now I have some sick desire that will eventually screw my life up if I try to live normally. I spent so many years not doing anything with my life because I had crippling social anxiety, I couldnāt even go out and if I did I would have to wear a face mask because I felt anxious if people looked at me, after so many years spending my youth indoors not having fun with friends and I kept hoping some how I would come out of my social anxiety and in the end I watch a crappy documentary and end up like this, this year has been the worst year of my life, the only seemingly good thing that came out of this is I was forced to come out of my social anxiety because I was too scared too be at home so I was forced to go out with my mum to work and I hated coming home. I love helping people, I love making people food, looking after people, giving people advice and comforting them when they have problems, but now it feels like Iām living a double life and have sick desires and itās awful. Surely there must be hope for me please š when I have the thought I donāt get a strong feeling of disgust or guilt or anything anymore it jsut feel like I like the feeling and its so scary and intense and real feeling