lu22

Date posted: 2y

I need answers please help 😞 harm ocd

Today I woke up and was just in bed on my phone feeling okay and then suddenly I get an intrusive thought about smothering one of my family members with a pillow and I get anxiety but also it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that, when I imagined it’ I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet and It’s started already. I think until I figure out or get an answer as to why it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it, I don’t think I will be at peace. I feel like no one gets it. It literally feels like I know how it feels to do that like I can feel it with all my senses doing that action, and that I like the feeling of doing that. I get anxiety but it’s not an ‘alarming, danger’ anxiety it’s anxiety that makes it feel like I want to or like the feeling of doing that anxiety. It’s weird because I don’t want to sit there imagining doing that but at the same time it feels like I’m desperate to imagine it and I don’t know if that’s because I’m testing myself or if I’m actually enjoying that sick feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ I mean I don’t feel particularly happy when thinking of those thought it just feels intense and like an urge but at the same time like I like the feeling of doing that and I don’t know what to do, I wish someone could give me answers as to why it feels like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ the thought feels so intense and like I know how it feels to squash someone’s face with a pillow and how it feels for them to not breath and it’s horrible. I don’t even get feelings of ‘I hate that, disgust’ anymore I’m just obsessed with this feeling of ‘I like the feeling’ and I don’t want it to be true because I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone and now I’m worried I’ve discovered a sick desire and I’m crazy now

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Hi everyone. I’m so sorry you are suffering. I have also had horrible almost urges to do these things absolutely horrible. I have just started CBT yesterday and my therapist is taking things really slowly with me thankfully. I feel so happy that I have finally got some help. I’m sorry I don’t have much advice to give any of you but all I can say is you are not alone and will get better!

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 It’s so horrible 😞 was it hard to open up to your therapist? I’m scared to get a therapist in case they dont know much about ocd and take my problem the wrong way or don’t understand

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I told my therapist everything I was very apprehensive and scared to but I got to the point where I just couldn’t carry on anymore like this. So yes just told him everything and he was unphased. If you see someone who is knowledgeable about ocd they will understand you totally x

justsomone1

Date posted: 2y

I totally get this , I have it all the time. sometimes I fear myself .. or what I’m capable of doing. but one thing that I heard that will always make me feel better is “ your intrusive thoughts are the opposite of your morals” so think of it that way.

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@Xoxokenly11 Yes indeed. X

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Xoxokenly11 I use to know and believe that ‘it’s definitely not what I want to do’ but that line became blurred when I started having that feeling of ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it 😞

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

Yea I keep having urges to punch or squeeze my girlfriend and dog as hard as possible and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. It’s the same thing every damn day and I’m so sick of it.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ocdhater29 It’s gotten to the point I don’t even know why I’m not doing it, I don’t get feelings of dread/angst/disgust it just feel like I want to and like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it. It feels like everyday I’m suppressing a genuine feeling or urge and I’m bad

Ocdhater29

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I’m with you, I don’t know how I’ll ever feel better

brandifleury

Date posted: 2y

Wow, I was very surprised to read this. It triggered something I hadn’t thought about in a long time. When I was about 5/6 I had something like this happen that I can recall and it was when I was playing with my younger brother I think, and I genuinely can’t recall if it’s false memory OCD or what but I think I did it and then pretty quickly stopped. That’s so hard to admit especially because I genuinely don’t know if it really happened. I truly feel for you tho! I have things like this happen in my head all too often.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@brandifleury It’s so horrible, I don’t even feel disgust/angst/guilt from having the thoughts/feelings anymore I just worry but don’t even know if my worrying is genuine since it feels so real that I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ 😞

brandifleury

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I do get what you’re feeling, I am so sorry. With OCD it feels like we never win. One minute you feel bad for the thoughts/feelings and then maybe that changes and then you still feel bad because you feel better, it’s absolutely horrible 😢

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@brandifleury I don’t get how we are suppose to live like this

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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I need answers please help 😞 harm ocd

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