Does this mean I don’t like the thoughts? Harm ocd

So if as soon as you think of something you get an anxiety feeling in your chest but it’s not an unbearable feeling or feeling of great distress/ angst but as soon as I think of that thought I get this anxious feeling in my chest does that mean I don’t like the thought but have just gotten use to it so the anxiety isn’t really bad? Like can you get anxiety but be so use to it that it doesn’t alarm you or come off really strong that you hate the anxious feeling? Because many times throughout the day I have a thought and get that ‘mild anxious feeling’ but it just kinda hits as soon as I ruminate…does that mean I don’t like the thought? I have been believing I’m bad and when I tested myself on a intrusive thought (it’s been bothering me a lot it’s about smothering someone with a pillow😞) If felt so vivid but felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that) I have been obsessing over it thinking I’m actually bad now and have sick desires, but the fact that as soon as I have the thought I get like an instant,mild anxiousness in my chest does that mean I am uncomfortable/hate the thoughts but have gotten use to them so my emotional response isn’t flaring up like it use to? Because I’m so confused about my feelings I know I’m happier when I’m not thinking about any of this and I feel more normal but because I’m not getting really anxious and feeling feelings of disgust/horrible when I have the thoughts combined with feeling like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it, it makes me think I’m genuinely bad? Omg just now when I typed that last bit out ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ this emoji came up ‘😁’ at the end of it and I got instant anxiety thinking I’m bad because that emoji popped up when I typed that bit out 😭🥲🥲 I don’t understand because I’m such a scaredy cat as well If it’s not intrusive thoughts about others it’s intrusive thoughts that someone will attack me (I get scared in the night, when I’m alone) I just don’t get a break if it’s not about other people it’s about myself or ‘if you don’t take another sip of water before bed, you are actually evil’ this problem is exhausting

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Anyone else?

Has anyone else ever mistaken adrenaline or anxiety for ‘excitement’ or ‘happiness’ over a bad thought and then it made you feel like there is something wrong with you? Online it says adrenaline/anxiety/excitement can all feel the same and after going through ocd for so long I feel like I got use to the feeling of anxiety and I feel confused sometimes as to whether I actually feel anxious or not. I feel really worried I don’t know I don’t even know what I feel anymore I had this stabbing thought and then I had this feeling where it felt almost like I was happy or enjoying it or wanted it and had the urge feeling and. Now I’m worried there is something wrong with me because it felt like it was a real ‘desire’ and now I’m worried and I can’t forget about it or get over it

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Does this mean I don’t like the thoughts? Harm ocd

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