Harm ocd please reply 😞

@TPD Another thing is I don’t know why but when I first tested myself by deliberately imagining smothering someone, (it was my mum😞) I got really intense anxiety but for some reason it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that action in the thought? It’s been really confusing for me, I can’t see anyone else on here having that issue but idk whether it the anxiety or intense feeling or vividness of the thought but it felt like I knew how it feels to do that and like the feeling of doing that and want to and this has been bothering me for months now and I’m worried I like the feeling of squashing someone and the feeling of stopping them from breathing and it’s been horrible. Idk why it feels like that because I know I don’t want to do that I’ve had so many breakdowns crying and screaming over it thinking my life is over since it felt like I like the feeling of doing that and it’s been horrible. Now it feels like I’m believing ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ but I’m choosing not to and it’s only a matter of time. Another thing is I’m not proud of this but growing up I was a brat, causing a scene until my parents gave in and bought me something or had lots of tantrums and not considering others feelings but it feels like I’m not considerate to others feelings and can’t always sympathise or feel bad for others, I care about others but I’m quite a selfish person or at least that’s how I feel. I do like helping others I always have, I like taking care of people buying people things complimenting people etc, but I had a hard time at school and stayed home doing nothing for a few years and I never spent time with my cats and I think the first time i doubted whether I’m good or bad is when two of my cats passed away and I couldn’t cry, like it just didn’t feel real to me and I started questioning whether I have a conscience, but the recently my other cat passed away and I cried quite a lot idk why. (Yes I had a lot of cats, 9 of them and they’re all around the same age so they’re passing away around the same time🙁) but sometimes I’m worried About my conscience like because to this problem I hate being in my house because of anxiety and my mum doesn’t want to go out and is tired but I kick up a fuss until she takes me for a drive because it helps me feel better and people are constantly saying I’m selfish and bad and don’t care. Idk I’m just a mess, also when I get angry sometimes I have thrown my phone or knocked something over which makes me worry I’m bad. But I also know I care about others and want to help people 😞

@TPD Sorry for long reply

@lu22 Listen, OCD is genuinely so, so messed up. It has convinced me before of hundreds of false memories, told me I was a killer, an abuser, all manner of bad things. But that’s just what it does. I can’t convince you you’re not a bad person, so I won’t try to. But you are not determined by your worst thoughts! Maybe you do like the idea of squashing someone—it certainly sounds like your OCD is convincing you of that, but again, you wouldn’t believe that no matter how many times i said it—but what does it matter if you don’t do it? You’re not a killer till you’ve killed someone. You just need to let the thoughts in and out. Do someone to give yourself a break. Watch a movie, take a shower, go outside, idk. Just try and break the cycle. Also, who are you to call yourself a brat? It sounds like you were… a kid. Kids do the worst things; how many times have I yelled at my parents or threatened to run away from home or even hit them? If we were all determined by what we did as children, then half of us would be in prison and the other half of us would be dead. Just the fact that you’re so worried about being a bad person convinces me you’re not. Again, let the thoughts in and out. As for your cats passing away (I’m so sorry ❤️) you are not entitled to crying or screaming. When someone I knew well passed away recently, I barely cried. Same thing with my fish. Finally, of course I’m not saying to keep “kicking up a fuss”, but I know OCD and anxiety. Sometimes it feels like being inside will kill me. So believe me, it sounds like you’re speaking right from my own heart. No, you are not selfish or bad. You are in pain, and a lot of it. To sum that all up, this is ALL YOUR OCD. Are you in therapy? On medication? Medication genuinely saved my life, so I’d recommend it if your OCD is serious, but of course for that you’ll need a psychiatrist. Talk to someone who can help you. But if you can’t, then just search up ERP and make your own exercises from there. I don’t know you very well, but my heart hurts for you. I can absolutely promise it will all get better. Please continue to talk to me if it makes you feel better, but also remember that no amount of confessing will help you. You need to do ERP; it will genuinely make you feel better. Good luck! ❤️

@TPD Thank you for your reply, one of the things I’m ruminating on at the moment is ‘what if you have a conscience and are a good person but have discovered that you like the feeling of doing something bad, so now your a good person with sick desires’ I always thought there was a thick line between good and evil, but I watched this documentary (that’s what started my ocd) and it was about a man who was married and had kids and one day suffocated them and killed them and that made me think that ‘people can turn evil’ the other thing is I’m worried because it feels like as long as I imagine/play out those thoughts in my head it will feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ just now my cat was meowing outside my door and I imagined letting my cat in my room on the bed, then I was thinking ‘yeah it would be fine’ but then I imagined that thought about the pillow and I get instant anxiety and it feels like I couldn’t let the cat in because incase I ruminate int he thought and it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ to be honest I’m not 100% sure that the feeling of ‘liking the feeling Of doing than’ is even true because sometimes I imagine doing that and it doesn’t feel like I ‘like the feeling’ I’m not sure if it’s because the thought feels so intense and vivid and the anxiety makes it feel like an urge but I’m confusing that with liking the feeling of doing that since it feels so real and intense, but it’s horrible. Before when it was just intrusive thoughts I could think ‘ah that’s just an intrusive thought doesn’t matter’ and forget about it but now that there is feelings attached to it and I’m worried I like the feeling of doing that it’s just never ending rumination and believing it’s true. I’m just worried I’m going to have to live my life believing I like the feeling of doing that and stopping myself from being bad. The strange thing is that I’ve had intrusive thoughts about sharp objects before but it’s never felt like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ so I don’t understand why with this it feels like that. I mean I know it feels like an urge so say if by me imagining it I’m giving into that urge so that’s why it feels like I like the feeling of doing that😞 I just don’t want this to be true I don’t want the thoughts to feel like ‘ I like the feeling of Doing that’ because it just makes me think I’m actually bad and can’t be trusted and at the moment I’m just choosing not to be bad. Sometimes I think it’s the anxiety that makes the thought feel like ‘I liked the feeling’ since it makes the thought feel more real and intense and like what I’m imagining is true. Sorry for going on about the same thing but it’s been bothering me for months and I just want to figure out why it feels like that and want it to go. Also before I was having intrusive thoughts about drowning my cat and it also felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ but I managed to convince myself to stop ruminating and eventually I forgot about it and don’t believe that anymore but now it’s about the pillow thing but this doesn’t feel like I can just forget about it, I think as well because there are pillows everywhere you go you can’t get away from them which is why I’m constantly worrying about it. Thank you for replying to me it means a lot, I don’t even think I deserve to say ‘I’m suffering a lot’ as soon as I went to type that my heads like ‘well your bad,like evil things so are you really suffering’ idk thank you for your reply though ❤️❤️❤️

@lu22 Of course you get to say you’re suffering. Bad people can suffer too, though of course I don’t think you’re a bad person. The funny thing about constantly being exposed to bad thoughts is that eventually you’re going to get used to it. Say, for example, if you saw someone getting beaten up outside your house daily (weird example but stick with me), you’d reasonably know it was wrong, but eventually you’d come to care about it less. That’s not a sign of your morality; that’s a sign of you being normal. Your OCD is taking you getting used to these thoughts as a sign that you’re a bad person, but that’s just because OCD is ALWAYS convinced you’re a bad person. But the same way your brain has allowed you to get used to these bad thoughts, you need to get used to the OCD. Whenever it spikes, just take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel bad. Don’t interact with the thoughts; just think “maybe I am a bad person, but it doesn’t matter”. Eventually, OCD is going to realize you don’t care and wander away. And, like you said, there isn’t a thick line between good and evil. But how do we even define good and evil? It’s not from your thoughts. Someone who is constantly thinking about murdering someone but never has is better, in my opinion, than someone who is never thinking about murdering someone but kills someone randomly one day. Your morality and your fears about being a bad person tell me that you are, objectively, a much better person than so many other people on this planet. Again, you are not evil—you are suffering. But your OCD won’t believe that no matter how much you try and convince it, so you need to tell it you don’t care. Good luck and feel free to keep ranting if it helps. ❤️