I have been out of touch for a while. I could write every day, but I don’t want to bore everybody!
I look at the stuff I’ve written and it seems so silly to me now. I have a hard time imagining how it could’ve seemed so important when I was struggling, but that’s how our OCD brain works.
It’s always a different thought, sometimes the same thought comes back to haunt me. I speak for myself, but I am certain that a lot of you can relate.
Last week I was tormented with questions about Chicago before
and after my magical trip there.
Yesterday, another obsession knocked on my door. Memory OCD, It can be so debilitating, but it doesn’t have to be!
When I write, I put things in order in my head and I diffuse the problem. It’s never failed, yet I am always afraid that there will be a time when it won’t work, but then I keep writing about it and even that fear goes away!
When I met my wife 33 years ago, we started going out shortly after and it wasn’t long before I proposed to her.
It was a happy time, although I was always stressed and my OCD spiraled out of control. I didn’t have any management tools. I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was and that made it all worse.
I was very busy at work and I often neglected two things. One was my shoes, they were always full of dirt because I worked outside. The other thing that I didn’t take care of was my car. It was always dirty. I had no time to wash it! I was always busy! It’s a poor excuse, I know! Believe me, OCD had a lot to do with it
My wife, always a perfectionist, said to me “I want you to shine your shoes everyday. A man with shiny shoes looks impecable. I want you to always look well groomed!”
I never forgot that! She has done a wonderful job in 32 years that we have been together. I am painfully aware of how hard it has been for her to put up with me all these years, but I know how much she loves me! She’s always been with me!
My OCD brain threw a curve at me day before yesterday.
It said to me “Was it the shoes or was it the car? Does an impecable man shine his shoes or does he wash his car? Which one was it? Which did your wife ask you to always keep in mind?”
It’s so silly, I know. This nonsense has nothing to do with my real life problems, BUT that’s the cross that I have to carry. Fortunately, I know where it comes from and it’s a cross that can be much less burdensome if I just do what I know how. I write and it gets lighter.
It’s better if I keep my car washed and my shoes polished. I should do both, cleanliness is holiness, but it’s no big deal if I can’t. That’s not going to take my sleep away and remembering exactly what my wife asked me to keep in mind 32 years ago is not necessary. I love to reminisce, but nobody said that I have to remember every single thing perfectly. Isn’t that right? Who cares? Nothing is going to happen.
“Are you hearing me OCD, nobody cares!”
I think she said my shoes should be clean! I am certain that she also talked to me about my car, but it must’ve been on a different day or maybe it was at the same time. Who cares??!!
Ok, that’s what I wanted to say today. I hope it helps someone out there and I pray that I can enjoy some much needed relief!
Blessings to all!