lu22

Date posted: 2y

someone reply I don’t want to go sleep feeling bad

So I’ve been worrying because every time I have the intrusive thought of ‘smothering someone’ it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and want to and it’s stressing me a lot. Like I was analysing my body just now when I had the thoughts and I can tell that this thought is stressing me out a lot, the anxiety I get, I get this tension/pain in my face and my head starts to hurt, I get goosebumps (but my head tells me it’s because it’s cold not because I’m scared) and I do these head twitches and scrunch up my nose to the thoughts like (argh not this again) but despite my body feeling under pressure and stressed out by the thought it also feels like I like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it and that’s causes my body to start stressing out and idk what to do. I don’t understand how I can be stressed out and not want to do these things but at the same time feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ when I imagine it and it’s horrible. One minute I’m distracted and feel normal and next minute I’m bad again and ruminating 😞

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

That sounds really hard! Ocd can be a trickster and will try to think you like something or don’t like something. You can get through this! ❤️

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@PalmTree It’s horrible honestly

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

I get what you mean by thinking you like it. Our brain tricks us so much that we believe it, and we begin to literally think we want to do it, it sucks. But you are stressing out because you truly don’t want to do it, it’s just not who you are, no matter what your inner dialogue is saying.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 The thing is it’s not inner dialogue that’s saying ‘you like it’ it literally feels like that, like it’s a feeling and it feels like when I imagine how it feels to do that action that it feels like i like it but at the same time my body is stressing out and getting anxiety over it…I just don’t get it at all 😞

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Are you kind of saying that you feel like your trying to rationalize it and think about it and you begin to feel like you actually like it? Cause I get what you mean if that’s the case.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 I don’t really know how to explain it but before I started feeling like I ‘like it’ I would get anxiety and a very vivid depiction of the thought but it simply felt like ‘an unwanted urge’ but I imagined the thought once to test myself and imagined it quite vividly and I got a lot of anxiety but for some reason it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that when I imagined it, idk how to explain it. But ever since then it’s felt like that and been bothering me, idk if it’s the sudden anxiety that feels like an urge and makes the thought feel extra real but this never use to happen before but now it feels like when I imagine doing that I like the feeling of squashing something with a pillow or doing that horrible thing. It’s been driving me nuts because it feels extremely real and I get so worried because now I’m thinking say I like the feeling of doing that evil thing but I have a conscience it’s really scary I don’t understand why it feels like that. Sometimes I feel like I work it out to be that when I imagine doing that, as soon as I imagine the pillow on my cat/a person I get instant anxiety but the anxiety feels like an urge to do that but that urge has somehow translated into ‘I like the feeling’ so every time I imagine the thought instead of the anxiety hitting and me feeling like ‘it feels like an urge’ it feels like as soon as the anxiety hits it feels like I like the feeling of doing that. I literally can’t explain it but it’s awful

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I’m so sorry:( it feels terrible, although not recently I’ve had those thoughts similar to yours that made me really emotional

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 I just wish I knew the truth as to whether I’m just confused my feelings or not 😞

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Me too, well hopefully you can sleep well. Idk about you but on my worst days I literally exert myself out just by having so much anxiety that by the end of the day I’m just tired and sleep well, so hopefully that can help you escape it somewhat.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 Yeah sleeping seems to be my only escape 😞 (not to go on about this) but just now I was thinking that when I first imagined it and got myself in this state of feeling that way, it was because I was testing myself and deliberately having the thoughts because I wanted to analyse how my body felt/would react while having the thoughts (I wanted to get really anxious to prove I didn’t like the thoughts) but it backfired because although I got anxiety it felt like ‘I liked the feeling of doing that’ so just now I thought well I was focusing on how I ‘felt’ so I guess with ocd your feelings can be telling you the wrong thing since it can feel like an ‘urge’ but it’s not. So just now I tested myself by imagining something positive to compare the two feelings. So I imagined eating an ice cream and how my body felt while imagining that, so I didn’t really feel anything just neutral, calm. And then imagined that horrible thought, and I got anxiety it still felt like I ‘liked the feeling’ but I noticed my eyes started tearing up while thinking about it my head would shake like ‘no’ when the thought would come and just stressed so idk maybe I will try that more often but I don’t want to keep analysing how I feel because so far it hasn’t done me much good, thank you for your response sorry for long replies

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 No your fine it’s alright. Yeah I’ve realized that too when we think about these things and have negative reactions, and that we don’t really like them… but then my anxiety tells me “do you not like this thought because it is not socially acceptable, or do you truly think it’s wrong?”

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 It’s just awful why does a problem like this have to exist

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I wish I knew the answer to that

theaslalis

Date posted: 2y

how about you do some mindfulness and anxiety control exercises? we can't reassure you bcs this would be bad but you could try some breathing exercises to help you sleep better

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@theaslalis Thankfully I don’t really have trouble sleeping because I’m so tired I just fall asleep almost instantly but I’m worried about going to be with unresolved thoughts and waking up with them and it sucks when you open your eyes in the morning and instantly remember this problem 😞

blueberrybush3

Date posted: 25w

please anyone...

i didn't get a response so i'm reposting, i'd really like another persons perspective... idk if what i write will make sense but i am scared of my ability to prolong and intensify / increase the vividness of the physical and mental feelings and thoughts i am experiencing to the point i think since i am doing something willingly that feels so horrific it makes me a bad person who did actually something bad. especially when this has to do with sxual thoughts that i absolutely despise. idk if it's a compulsion but it almost feels unavoidable (is it a compulsion?) let me explain like once my brain feels/knows i'm extra scared to imagine and feel something i get this anticipatory anxiety that just won't leave me alone until i undergo / get through what feels like the most disturbing, vivid level of my own thoughts and feelings and i can control that to a degree where i hyperfixate on my sensations and thoughts and it plays out and prolongs which feels so awful and real and then i'm like hold up i really just did that intentionally i feel traumatized and so grossed out. esp if i hold my breath for some reason i noticed my bodily feelings and mental images are more vivid and i feel so guilty for it. i've done so many exposures and i can't get over this fear of my own ability to purposefully be able to think really hard and manipulate the intensity of my most darkest thoughts that it disturbingly impacts both my body and mind, physical and mental reactions. is this common? is it a compulsion? what am i doing wrong and what should i do.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Suffering a lot, need advice, have no therapy 🙁🙁

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Can someone reply, felt bad for days don’t know

I can’t feel happy I can’t forget how these thoughts felt and I’m actually believing I’m bad, I imagined my intrusive thoughts about stabbing on purpose it felt like I know how it feels to do that physical action and I like how it feels and then I got this feeling like I was suddenly really happy or excited about it like I discovered why evil people get a thrill out of doing evil things and it’s sticking with me I can’t forget about it or argue with it or get rid of it normally I can find reasons to know it’s not true and forget about it but this time it felt like the feeling actually came from me as if I genuinely felt happy and thought it would be enjoyable or pleasurable/appealing to do that evil thing it doesn’t feel ego dystonic i feel abnormal like im pretending to be normal I don’t even have much anxiety I just hate my life im having this i don’t know what to do unless I can find a reason to move on and think no that wasn’t real then I can’t move on everytime I rember how it felt or that feeling of being happy it feels like oh my god like I can the saved or helped please I need a solution. If it’s true that I actually felt like that horrible thing could be enjoyable can I be helped? No I can’t that means I’m bad and now I can’t be helped and have to be in a mental home because I swear it felt like it was me who felt happy not a fake feeling and I’m jsut fighting against it because I wasn’t always evil but I swear it feels like I actually liked it and it appealed to me I don’t know how to deal with this

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

someone reply I don’t want to go sleep feeling bad

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community