lu22

Date posted: 2y

Please need advice I’m so lost in all this harmocd

So every time I have that intrusive thought I get anxiety but it feels like I ‘like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it’ The thought is about smothering my cat/someone with a pillow. None of my other intrusive thought have every felt like that. But I imagined it to test myself once and I got bad anxiety but it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that. I don’t know if I’m confusing my feelings like maybe when I’m imagining doing that it feels like an urge to ‘squash someone with a pillow’ but my head is confusing the urge to do that with me ‘liking the feeling’ so when I imagine it I get anxiety but it feels like I would like the feeling of squashing someone or stopping them from breathing and it’s really scary and horrible. I know I don’t want to do that and it’s stressing me a lot. And it’s not like a verbal thought of ‘maybe you like the feeling’ it’s like an actual feeling and now I’m worried I’ve taken a liking to some sick action, I start tearing up and get anxiety but I don’t know why it feels like that. But my mind starts wandering like ‘what if it feels like a relief to do think that because your frustrated so that’s why it feels like you like the feeling, because I’m thought your acting on an urge’ and the worse part is when you watch movies and a killer does that smothering thing they make it seem like the killer gets a relief from doing that and I’m worried that’s me. The strange thing is so let’s say I’m worrying I like ‘suffocating someone’ sorry I’m going in so much detail but if I imagine strangling, I instantly know I hate it and wouldn’t want to do that and it’s really scary but with these thought about the pillow idk if maybe I’ve gotten use to them that’s why it doesn’t feel like I ‘hate them’ anymore but I don’t understand why it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that and it gives me anxiety and like a intense feeling in my chest and I don’t know what to do 😢😢😞😞 I feel so horrible and no one is able to give me any answers because they don’t know what I’m feeling

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

I don’t know about you, but maybe you get that feeling of liking it because sick people have done it before and liked it, and you think “well they liked doing it, so there was someone on earth who had a positive emotion to it meaning it’s possible to like it” and you mind convinces you of this possibility. At least that’s happened to me. I am a person who tries to understand other people, and if somebody does something bad, I think all there must be a reasoning behind it and I try to understand that reason, and then before I know it I realize what I’m doing and regret it thinking I’m terrible.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 Possibly but I’m so immersed in believing it I can’t understand what’s really going on. Sometimes I have the thoughts and it doesn’t feel like that though so I’m wondering if it’s the instant anxiety I get that makes it feel like I ‘like the feeling’

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 Thank you for your replies I appreciate it ❤️

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Yep you’re welcome ❤️

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

Believe it or not people do know how you are feeling me included in fact many of your posts are so so similar to my my thoughts and ocd it’s unreal. Not supposed to give reassurance but if it is of any help please know you’re not alone xxx

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Thank you so much I really appreciate you commenting I feel very alone in this and I’m not really mature for my age I feel like a kid and have always been treated like a kid so I just feel vulnerable as well and I have never been independent and constantly feel like I have to rely on someone but my family is getting tired of this and don’t understand and I’ve never been independent so I feel scared 😞 thank you for your replies it means a lot ❤️❤️

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I agree with not feeling mature for your age, although it’s been several years I still feel like I’m 15/16 and not an adult🫠😐

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 I’m literally going to be 20 in march and I still feel like I’m 15/16 …I think all the anime’s and Xbox has caused me to stay in the mental state of a kid. 😂 I wish I could relive those years though they were the best if only I knew things were going to be like this in the future makes me wonder if the gory animes contributed to my problems without me knowing

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I’ve thought about that too, same with movies that I’ve watched a long time ago that still haunt me. Lol I’ll be 21 in July 😂

Jak71

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I really wish i could take the pain away from you my heart goes out to you. Always on here if you need a chat

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 At the time it probably felt like we could handle it but it was probably disturbing us more than we thought, I noticed most if not all my intrusive thoughts are images or based off something I’ve watched. Ahh we’re similar age, feels like we’ve just started life and this is what we deal with 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ethan_08

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Ikr, I keep thinking that I hope I don’t feel this way when I’m old, but then again most old people are content with their lives and not super afraid.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Ethan_08 Yeah it’s horrible. I’m so stupid, even though I’ve been posting about it, I’ve been feeling a bit better recently about the thoughts but a bit ago I started crying and having a break down and telling my mum about how angry I am about this problem and how it’s making me feel and now I’ve calmed down I had the thoughts again and they felt even worse and more real like it’s actually true that I like the feeling and then I was just stood there after having the thought trying to have the thoughts over and over to see if it’s actually true that I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and it felt like it was true and now I’m too tired to worry because I’ve exhausted myself from my break down but now I’m worried 😔

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Thank you love, it means a lot, I hope things get better for you too ❤️❤️

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@jay71 Hi there I made this post a bit ago, Things got a bit better I managed to distract myself but now I’m going through the exact same thoughts and feelings as I’ve written in this post I feel so awful I don’t know what to do it’s so scary and I don’t know what to believe I want my old life back I’m so worried and at the same time I’m worrying that maybe I’m not being genuine and I am actually bad and enjoying these sick thoughts please I don’t know what to do I’ve never wanted to be bad 😞😞

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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Please need advice I’m so lost in all this harmocd

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