scared

I’m scared I keep thinking this over and over that I’m gunna hire a hitman on my brother what if I do like I’m a bad person how can I be normal with him this is probably my worst harm thought and it feels like I truly will do it I’m just “ holding back” :(

idk why this is such a recurrent thing for me , I get so scared through the day when I’m not distracted when I think about psychosis. or being put in a mental hospital that it gives me bad anxiety, one time I had a panic attack at the thought of having it 💔 I can’t pin point if it’s intrusive thoughts because it’s a fear of mine .. or not. I think this is the worst thought / fear I have

I woke up disassociating really bad ,I was super tired and if you read my prev post I've been having problems w depersonalization after a bad thc trip the other night. Im so so so scared I just said a slur or whispered it to myself because I cant properly remember things rn. I remember getting the thought and im scared i whispered it to myself and I cant tell if it happened or not bc waking up things feel rly blurry . It feels really real. I would never want to say such a word and im scared i did bc I was so out of it. I dont remember if i just had the thought or acted on it