- Date posted
- 2y
Need some advice
Hello! This is my first time using this app so if I do something wrong somehow please forgive me. Also sorry this is so long there’s a lot to explain. I think I might have had ocd my whole life but I never really noticed until I turned 18. Like when I was a kid, It would bother me if I missed a ring in a sonic the hedgehog game or in high school if I didn’t walk through a certain door, I wouldn’t make any friends or something to that effect. Nothing too major I guess. The quarantine really elevated it to an unbearable level. It started with washing my hands a lot. Now it’s gotten to the point where if I lightly graze something I don’t trust, it will bother me so much where I have to go and wash my hands which is a whole process now. It has to be 20 seconds, then I have to wipe my hands 20 times. If I don’t do it, it eats me alive and causes me a lot of discomfort. It was only really that until the intrusive thoughts started. But the intrusive thoughts were never over the top, it’s always something believable. First time it happened, I got a thought that I didn’t love my girlfriend anymore. Which I know was not true. She means the world to me and I wouldn’t give her up for anything. but it kept bothering me. I got so anxious and depressed because of it. My thoughts were convincing me I was loosing feelings for her. It was all I could think about. It became this constant fight in my head that would never end. It got so bad to the point we’re I had to be rushed to the ER because I was convinced I couldn’t feel anything emotionally I was that anxious. I found out a little bit after that it was a mix of the new ADHD or depression medication I was on I forget which and me forgetting to take my hypothyroid medication for a long time which caused my levels to plummet. I eventually recovered and was feeling somewhat normal again. Still washing my hands a lot and stuff like that but nothing that made me have an episode again. I would get depressed here and there and get worried it was happening again but I was eventually ok. Second episode happened around September of last year. I had the thought that I was non binary which I thought was ok. I’ve always been a little more of an effeminate guy so I thought I made sense until I started panicking again because of it. It wasn’t really even about it I just started constantly panicking again. It lasted for a while. Until maybe end of October early November. Most of December I was fine until me and my girlfriend had a herpies scare. Somehow her doctor misread a test result and said she had it. This made both of us panic thinking things won’t be the same ever again like we couldn’t kiss anymore stuff like that. Eventually, she went back to the doctor and they told her that he read it wrong and they apologized. We felt a lot better. Then a day or so after Christmas I had the thought that I was a full on trans woman and started thinking about it. I was confused because I was comfortable with myself and who I am. But then I started panicking again. I know I’m an effeminate guy or at least non binary of some sort and I am ok with that. but I kept thinking about it constantly and panicking. It still won’t leave me alone up until I’m writing this. Not to mention something new started where it’s not just one thought, it’s multiple at a time. My thyroid levels are apparently normal right now so it’s scaring me more. What I think is happening is all my issues are clashing. I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, possible PTSD, and obviously OCD. I also know something isn’t right because I’m not really motivated to do my art stuff or anything for that matter which I’m usually super excited to do no matter what. I might just also be depressed? I guess I’m making this because I want some sort of answer? I also want to know if anyone has a similar experience with this. I know trans OCD exists. I think someone on here posted about it. I don’t know I just want to be myself again. Thank you for reading if you got this far. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. Thank you again.