Never perfect

Judgy thoughts. I constantly have thoughts criticizing my boyfriend. Some of these are based on insecurities like our height difference, him being shorter than me. It just feels like I always have these negative thoughts and feelings and I always feel like I need to tell my boyfriend. I **know** they’re hurtful but I feel like I’m being dishonest or something if I don’t say something. Why do I constantly want to point out his shortness or if he has a smell that may not be too pleasant (completely human, nothing foul). Why can’t I ever keep it to myself. I used to be able to because I think the normal thing is to notice and move on. I don’t understand why I just can’t or why these thoughts are so persistent. Like I’m constant looking for a flaw. It’s so draining and I can’t imagine how exhausting it is for him apart from confusing and hurtful :( I love him

I ruin every single relationship that I'm in with my OCD I admit every single thing I do even when it really isn't a big deal ,if I don't admit I feel unbearable anxiety and I don't know what to do about it , I'm always on edge worried I've done something wrong always searching my mind and actions for a slip up it's exhausting I keep spiralling wondering if I will ever actually be with someone and be able to have a happy and healthy relationship Please tell me I'm not alone I don't know what else to do

Lately I have been engaging is a very vicious mental cycle of not being as productive as I wanted to at work, worrying my boss with notice and get mad at me or fire me, and then feeling like I have to “figure out” how to “fix myself” and be more productive. I come up with detailed elaborate plans and lists for everything I need to do and fix to be a good person. I have a lot of negative thoughts that are very distressing to me and basically I am a horrible person if I don’t “fix myself” via making these plans. For me, oddly, it’s not about doing the things, it’s about making the list. I do research on how to be more productive and have this need to make the perfect plan that will solve my problems. And then once I make the list I feel better (temporarily, of course). All of the mental energy put into the researching and planning is so draining that it begins to negatively impact my work… and the cycle continues!!! I feel like this is not a “normal” obsession or intrusive thought that people with OCD have, so I guess I am trying to figure out if it could be OCD? This is a very consistent thing I have been experiencing since probably around 8th grade?? So 5+ years now. It’s always the never feeling like I’m good enough and then the compulsory planning until I felt like I had a good enough plan to fix myself. Thanks in advance!! Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I suspect I have OCD/Pure O or OCPD and many people in my life agree. Obviously this is not my only reason for thinking I have OCD lol