accountability

my partner in arguments feels like when i confront him about him being mean or rude , he gets defensive and when i distance myself or get mad then he apologizes. and some of his apologies somehow include me. and don’t get me wrong we have a lot of good times and moments. and i love him deeply. but is this a sign we shouldn’t be together? he is 23 years old and he has trouble with accountability and he victimizes himself. and i am so tired i love him a lot and i don’t want to throw away 2 years. plus he has been so patient and caring with my ROCD. but sometimes he apologizes genuinely but i feel like what if he’s doing that because he doesn’t want to lose me? does it ever get better , i don’t want to let go of him. i want to fix us. do we have hope? he said he wants to and will fix himself. but what if thats an empty statement to get me off his back? it makes me feel like he’s evil sometimes but i know he can also be really caring and kind. he also is an emotional person. if one bad thing happens it ruins most of his day and he takes everything to heart. and when we argue he’s so defensive it seems like we are talking to each other and having 2 different convos. he completely misses my point at times and it seems like he isn’t even listening and he seems irritated. but he wouldn’t even have to hear this again if he listens. how do i know he isn’t just an evil person. i just think about all the bad things and my mind is blocking the good memories. so i literally just see him as an evil person in this moment. and its making me feel uneasy. if you read this whole novel thanks

Username: ILikeMyself ILikeMyself

Date posted: 1y ago

Following because my recent ex bf is the exact same way. He has a victim mentality and anytime I'd bring up something that was bothering me he'd act annoyed and get defensive. It was incredibly frustrating because it felt like he wasn't hearing me. He never validated my feelings or sought to learn more about what I was going through. He was very dismissive and conflict avoidant. He wouldn't even go to couples therapy with me after I pleaded for him to just try it once with me. He dumped me instead because I asked him to talk one to many times. After 6 years together. And now post breakup it's not much better either. He blames me for most of the break up. And he's been toying with my emotions. His apologies always feel lacking of genuine substance. It's like communicating with a robot who at the same time is a very sensitive and emotional person. He's selfish in my opinion but he denies it. I've also struggled with thinking he was evil after many fights where he didn't hear me and eventually it got so bad I pushed him away and started idolizing my ex from 6 years ago. So long story short, I am in therapy now and dealing with the breakup, and he needs to get therapy too but he'll do it on his own time. Honestly, I don't really have any good advice except you can only control yourself. You decide what kind of behavior you're willing to put up with. No one is ever entirely evil. That's black and white thinking. Some people are very flawed though and it's okay if your flaws don't mesh.

Username: sabrinaindigosabrinaindigo

Date posted: 1y ago

@ILikeMyself thank you for sharing at least i am not alone in this. and you’re right people might not be entirely evil just very flawed. but for my happiness i wish he would change. which sounds selfish but i don’t want to lose him :/

Username: Jeffrey Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. It sounds like ROCD is playing a role in this - but I am wondering if there are other things totally unrelated to OCD. I am not a therapist so I am not sure but you may want to consider couples counseling. There are certainly some elements that are ROCD - and in my opinion one is you say he apologized because he doesn’t want to lose you - to me that sounds like a compulsion to neutralize the ocd. Are you in erp therapy ?

Username: sabrinaindigosabrinaindigo

Date posted: 1y ago

@Jeffrey i am doing self ERP therapy but i just got a therapist here on NOCD i haven’t had a chance to speak with her yet

Username: sabrinaindigosabrinaindigo

Date posted: 1y ago

and we talked about spending our lives together , and we still want to, but i’m scared that what if its always like this , then it would be a pretty sh*t life. and i love him and he isn’t terrible trust me he is kind and loving most of the time but when he’s like this it’s just …. bad and it throws me off.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Partner of someone with rocd here

Do any other partners of someone with rocd just feel so defeated sometimes? I know how debilitating this is for my partner don’t get me wrong, but it’s debilitating for me too. To constantly feel like I have to justify my whole past but his equally bad or worse behavior is fine. He doesn’t owe me an explanation or even an apology because he is having ocd about my actions. Sometimes he’s treated me badly in the past and that caused me to be a jerk too. I’m not right for that. But because of his ocd I have to constantly own it over and over and over, but he doesn’t even acknowledge that he has been cruel to me at times. I’m so exhausted and I hope this doesn’t offend anyone. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Username: Anonymous39826

Date posted: 1y ago

Please help - Arguments and ROCD - please help

Really need advice ….. my boyfriend and I got into a bad argument last weekend. We hardly ever fight so it was out of character for us, I admit we had been drinking a little so I think the alcohol was part of it. It was just a dumb fight over nothing in particular, but end of the night my boyfriend said “alright fine we’re done”. He’s never said that before to me and I haven’t either, and I at the time I kinda knew he didn’t actually mean it, and it was confirmed the next morning he didn’t. He’s been extremely apologetic since and knows how much it hurt my feelings to hear and knows he should never say that again just to say it - but I’m obsessing. We’ve been together 1.5 years, we talk about getting engaged all the time, etc. but now I’m obsessing over “what if we’re toxic?”. We have an overall very healthy relationship (communicate well, don’t name call, prioritize each other, don’t fight often, Etc.) and we’ve never had a bad fight like this before so it just freaked me out. I know he didn’t mean it, but I can’t stop obsessing over it of like “what does this mean, does this mean we have to end, are we toxic because he said that?”. I’m also comparing the argument to other peoples relationships, asking questions if that’s ever been said in other relationships, etc. Please help

Username: lollypop48

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD

Does anyone else’s OCD take things and run with them? For example, my boyfriend got annoyed with me recently and responded kind of rudely to a question I asked him. I told him that wasn’t fair and he agreed and apologized immediately. But now I keep ruminating on it that maybe this is just him revealing his true self now that we’ve been together for a while. Maybe the real him is aggressive and he’s going to snap at me in the future and I’m going to be stuck in a relationship that is unhealthy! Also I’m fearing everyone reading this won’t believe me that my relationship is good and they’ll be judging me saying it’s not OCD. Struggling right now.

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