Feeling overwhelmed by OCD's impact on my life; seeking advice for self-help.

Hi everyone. First time here. I suffer from Contamination OCD. I have a good support group in friends, family, and my boyfriend, but I have not met anyone else with OCD and I needed to reach out to others to find help. I first got OCD when I was 17 (I am now 33) and was able to go into remission, but COVID brought it back. I was struggling at work (which was outside with the public). I found a therapist and she wrote me a doctor’s note suggesting I be allowed to work from home. My work was not accommodating at all and only offered me FMLA leave, so I took it as my only option and eventually got on Short Term Disability. The whole process took forever and was incredibly stressful. My leave was supposed to be a time of healing and it just made my OCD symptoms worse. My employer basically treated me as though I was trying to get out of work and proved to me that though they talk about the importance of mental health, they don’t take mental health seriously. I ended up having to leave my job “involuntarily due to health reasons” as they would not grant an extension nor let me return with any restrictions/accommodations. My therapist seemed good at first, but it became clear that she wasn’t really helping me. She would often use our sessions to vent about the insurance company and in one session, she basically called me a hopeless case and kept saying “I don’t know. I am concerned. I don’t know how you are going to be able to function” and threw out the word hospitalization, though she did backtrack on that one. I struggle everyday. I am worried that something from outside of the home touched something clean and is now contaminated. I need help working through this. I am constantly looking for reassurance, question if things are clean, wash my hands, use too many disinfectant wipes, and take showers upwards of 50-60 mins. I feel like my mind is being taken over by my OCD, I’m losing time, and it’s straining my relationship. For anyone who is struggling with contamination OCD brought on by COVID - any tips? My therapist never gave me anything specific to work on with this - to help me focus on something else. I am in the process of finding another therapist, but until then - any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I don’t normally make posts like this but if anyone can relate or has advice so I don’t feel so alone I would appreciate it! I feel like crying and I’m so anxious. So I’ve been dealing with an ocd flare up since February. It started out as contamination and harm after I had a really bad experience on a edible. The contamination mostly centered around the fear of someone accidentally giving me an edible to someone putting it in my food or water. Then it went from there to my Brian going you know what’s worse than edibles? LSD. So then I obsessed over that and it’s been like that on and off. I’ve had an extremely hard time with it it’s been one of the worst themes I ever had. I don’t eat certain things. Especially sweets. I avoid them. I avoid taking medication Bc I’m scared. I limit myself. I’m horrible about opening water bottles and if it doesn’t open just right I won’t drink out of it. I know it’s crazy I know it’s untrue but the panic I feel traces back to that night. I don’t ever want to feel that out of control again it scared me so bad I got diagnosed with ptsd (to be fair I had a lot of unresolved trauma that caused my glass to overfill) well, I’ve been going to EMDR therapy it’s got my ptsd under control but the ocd is louder. My ocd is clawing to stay alive. I’ve started to have intrusive thoughts now about my boyfriend might slip something into my water even though ITS NOT TRUE. So then I panic because the thoughts are so irrational that I get scared like why would I ever think that about him???? But the intrusive thoughts are so jarring and I don’t want my ocd to focus on him now! I need advice! I’ve been prescribed pristiq but haven’t taken it Bc you guessed it.,.. I’m scared to! I can’t go on like this! The thoughts are so irrational it scares me even though the rational side of me knows it’s not true but I guess that’s ocd. We get scared of the thoughts even though we know it’s not true and I know it’s my brain trying to keep the ocd going. I know therapy must be working otherwise my theme subjects wouldn’t have changed so fast. I’m so tired of this.

Hey, I'm brand new here. I've been in therapy before for OCD and anxiety however my therapist seemed to get upset with me and my roadblocks. He did not seem to understand "just right" subtype and kept asking me questions to which I had no answers for because it simply did not apply. It was also extremely difficult to do exposure therapy because my OCD is embedded in daily routine and tasks. Having someone dump dirt on my floor was not going to elicit a flare because the interaction had been planned that day. I was blamed for not wanting to get better. I need someone that understands that "my rules" for how I live my life are in place simply because I do not know how to live without them - without I feel out of control and chaos and my brain just gets stuck for reasons I dont even understand but it's extremely discomforting and debilitating. Theres very little fear-base (ie: Im afraid I dont have my 3 cups of coffee, I will fall asleep spontaneously or If I dont check the curtains 3 times, the sun will burn a hole in my floor and set my house on fire) and more so rooted in a "just right" feeling which has ties to moralistic, perfectionistic, and affects relationships. It's more I check the curtains because it just doesnt feel right - or how do I know they are positioned "just right" if I dont? I religiously use my turn signal even when turning in and out of my own driveway because that's RIGHT. Sometimes it's a law that dictates it or moral code and other times for more Neutral things I've set my own "laws" in order to navigate the "gray" areas that I do realize are not normal or needed. However if I do not follow them or am unable to (ie: it's time to vaccum and my vaccum breaks), I shut down/meltdown and intensely feel anxiety and discomfort that's nearly unexplainable. I know logically if my vaccum is broken I can clean my refrigerator out instead or move onto another task but OCD illicits such strong anxiety and discomfort that it send my brain into crash mode. I know it's ridiculous but I cannot move on until the vaccum is fixed and I can continue the ORDER of routine. If it takes along time for the vaccum to be repaired, I might feel as if I have to "start all over again" instead of picking up where I left off...which is again, time consuming loop that causes very little accomplishments and things that do not have to be re-cleaned again to be re-cleaned in the specific order of my routine. I do hang onto items longer than needed and have a fear - based lack of spending I've been trying to work through. I have plans to purge my closets soon of clothing I've hung onto for over 10 years, but it sometimes is to the point where it affects my self care (Ie: I refuse to buy myself underwear because I am afraid to spend money even though my underwear is holey and barely held together. I cannot "afford" to buy food because what if I need the money for a bill?") - this has been easier to identify and work through but I'm still recovering. I also obsess over the past concerning familial childhood relationships have an abandonment root for me. I repeat myself verbally and written word when upset or when communicating with people and they often get annoyed - I believe it's because I never felt understood, valued or heard and I want to make certain they understand me clearly. When everything else falls apart I dive into answers online, medical, self help, history and stories....I look up facts, cases, ect ect and because theres always facts to learn it helps quench the extreme need for "just so" answers. But I tend to get lost and lose track of time. BUT "just so" root type has been extremely difficult to treat and function with. I end up feeling like I'm failing, I hold guilt for not being able to take care of my family and things "normal" people can handle or accomplish. I'm frustrated with myself but I also know my family is frustrated with me. I get irritable and shut down and can accomplish anything when I get roadblocked...its like my brain cannot compute how to navigate without the exact order and routine. My inners feel like a 3 year old is temper tantruming uncontrollably inside of me and its extremely distressing. I want help. I just need to know I'm not alone and I'm in the right place with people who understand the subtypes and MY specific OCD. I cannot go through getting blamed again for not trying hard enough by a therapist when I am fighting with everything I am every day and I am exhausted. I'm here now because my quality of life has been greatly diminished amidst transitions in life right now and change in familial dynamic that's prevented my normal routine and sent me into chaos. It's going on 4 months and I thought I could navigate it with time, but it's not gotten any better and I need help to get my life back on track on way or another. Thank you for getting this far if you have. Advice, comments, thoughts welcome.