lu22

Date posted: 2y

I’m having a Breakdown please help 😢😢

I stopped thinking about this but I started again recently, before it just felt like ‘urges’ but I deliberately imagined doing that intrusive thought and I don’t know why it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that action in the thought, (it’s about smothering someone with a pillow) but sometimes I think of the thoughts and I get an instant shock of anxiety and my head/face flinches and that tells me I don’t like it but at the same time sometimes it feels like I like the feeling of squashing someone with a pillow and it’s really scary. I had a break down crying twice today I couldn’t take it anymore everyday it’s the same garbage. Me deliberately imagining the thoughts to check if I like the feeling of doing that and if I don’t get anxiety or a shock kind of feeling And it feels like I do like it I feel uncomfortable and have to keep thinking it until it doesn’t feel like that please help me, I don’t know how to explain this but it feels really real. Before I was worried the ‘urges would cause me to act but now the urges combined with the vividness of the thought and the feelings of ‘you like the feeling of doing that’ is torturing me I just wanted a normal life please I don’t want this to be my fate, What if I was normal but after thinking and imagining doing that in to much detail now I like the feeling of doing that through imagining it please help me. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve confused the urges with it meaning that ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ so every time it feels like an urge I’m taking it as ‘I like the feeling od doing that’ please help me none of the other intrusive thoughts have felt like this it’s only the smothering ones and it’s awful please help

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I get it, have been there. What you’re going through is very common amongst ocd sufferers. I’m not sure if this will help ease your mind, but if you truly wanted and liked your thoughts, you wouldn’t feel so bad about them, you know. Your brain is Messing with you. This is classic ocd.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli Thank you a lot, I’m grateful for your help, I want to get help but I’m scared if I tell them ‘it feels like I like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it’ I’m scared they will think there is something seriously wrong with me, I just want to be normal I want someone to tell me I am normal and that this is all fake, I’m scared they will tell me There is something wrong with me, or I have been worrying what if they think there is nothing wrong with me but there actually is? Deep down I still feel like my old self, I’ve always tried to be kind and wanted to help others but I feel so lost in all this and like I don’t trust myself anymore or have faith in myself it’s so awful. Also anytime I hear an article about some evil person I start worrying again and questioning myself. I literally question everything i do because of this problem, the other night I was thinking of cleaning out the fridge everyone else was sleeping but then my mind was like no ‘you shouldn’t be alone in the kitchen around sharp objects for too long’ it makes me not want to do anything sometimes 😞 another thing is if it’s not this it’s me have intrusive thought or images of someone attacking me or some evil person that I heard about stabbing me or coming up behind me or me seeing their face in a window or reflection of something and it scares me, I can’t catch a break, these days I have had the Intrusive thought of ‘smothering someone’ so many times I bring it on deliberately all the time to ‘casually check’ if I’m bad …I use to be so scared having those thoughts and now I can bring it on like it’s nothing, I’m so worried about the future I’ve been thinking I can have any kids if this is true because I don’t trust myself this thing about ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ freaks me out and makes me not want to be alone with anyone. I don’t want this to be true 😞😞😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli I’m so sorry I never realised the message would be this long …I have a lot on my mind 😞

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 No need to apologize. And I was just like you, still am to some degree. I went 20 years keeping my intrusive thoughts to myself. I had convinced myself that I was a bad person not worth saving, and even attempted to take my life… I missed out on so much because of my fears and how I perceived myself. . If I could go back and change anything, I’d get myself into treatment immediately despite the shame. Ocd is tricking and lying to you. Don’t forget that.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli Thank you for this ❤️

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

If you can, try and get set up with an ocd specialist. Bring the fight to ocd and take your life back.

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Breathe…you’re ok. Though we can never be 💯 certain, it does sound like you’re struggling with ocd. This is what ocd does to us…are you enrolled in therapy?

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli No im not I’ve been struggling with this for a year now since last February I watched a documentary and I went into a panic and it been hell every since, I thought I could handle it on my own since at times it seemed to go but it never does

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I went through a very similar situation, and totally get how scary it can be. I know there’s nothing I can do, but just know, you’re not alone and that there is help and hole out there.

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

https://youtu.be/A3f4Gf5Q_2w

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli Check out this ocd Ted talk

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Check out Chissie Hodges YouTube channel. She’s an ocd survivor and has a lot of good information about pure ocd.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli Thank you for your kind words it means a lot. These pst few days I have been feeling so down about the earthquake situation and donating items and reposting to try and help because I tear up seeing the videos of the people suffering and then out of no where I’m worrying it feels like I like the feeling of smothering someone and it’s horrible I don’t know what to do I haven’t seen anyone else on this app saying that through imaging the though it felt like they ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ I don’t even understand it myself. I don’t know if I’ve confused and urge with it feeling like ‘I like the feeling’ or if it’s because it’s so vivid but it’s awful and I was talking to my mum and she was asking me if I was hallucinating I got so scared sometimes people say things and it makes me freak out. Please I don’t want to be bad but if it’s true that I like the feeling of doing that I’m finished there’s no hope for me. I just wanted a normal life, I’ve always liked helping me but what if now I have some sick desire I’m so worried

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

These are obviously ego dystonic , and are causing you tons of shame and pain. You are not the first to express these fears hear, not even close. This is what ocd does, challenges your values, what you care about most. You’re not bad, just have been hijacked (temporarily) by ocd. Check out this episode of the ocd stories. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-ocd-stories/id1065492988?i=1000548004372. They talk about how taboo themes of ocd make us challenge our character. Please listen.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@mikegrilli After having the thoughts for so long I don’t get the same anxious reaction and it feels like when I’m having the thought it’s even more real and like an actual thought or the fact I’m not anxious makes me question whether I’m actually considering doing that or if it’s an intrusive though. But why does it feel like I ‘like the feeling of imaging doing that’ I’ve tried to think it through over and over but I don’t understand. It’s so scary. I haven’t seen anyone say that before. Thank you for helping me I feel so confused and I e been crying a lot 😞😞

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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I’m having a Breakdown please help 😢😢

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