Thinking of starting therapy harm ocd please help

After a year I’m finally trying to find a therapist but I’m worrying. It feels like I’m a criminal about to turn myself in or I keep having images of me talking to the therapist a laughing while I’m talking about it and then they think I’m evil. Or the other thing is the intrusive thought that bothers me the most is about smothering and for some reason it feels like when I imagine that thought, that I like the feeling of doing that action when I imagine it and I don’t know if it’s because I’m confusing an urge and the vividness of the thought with ‘I like the feeling’ but it’s horrible, for it to feel like I like squashing someone with a pillow and stopping them from breathing, I don’t understand it and I feel like if I tell the therapist there going to think there’s definitely something wrong with me. Say if it’s true? Why does it feel like I like the feeling of doing that when I imagine it? None of my other intrusive thoughts feel like that and it’s worrying. Sometimes I have those thoughts and ‘flinch’ or get like an electric shock feeling or anxiety but most times it feels like I like the feeling of doing that action when I imagine it, I can’t explain it which makes it worse. All I know is if there was a button to take all this away I would press it instantly. But I feel like I’m beyond help and that Maybe I’m enjoying some sick feeling now, maybe I was normal before but now I’ve discovered I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing, I’m worried. These past few days have been awful I don’t know what to do, my head keeps wanting to test out the thought by deliberately imagining them to see if it’s true and if it does feel like that I have to keep imagining it until I get anxious or something. 😞 I really want help but I have a lot of doubts I feel like They won’t be able to help me because now maybe I like that sick feeling. I wish I could go back in time and not watch that stupid documentary my life has been ruined..also I’m worried about getting the wrong therapist and they will think there’s something wrong with me or not be able to help or I don’t know I just don’t see how they can help me, they can’t take this feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ away from me but I hope that feeling maybe is just a mistaken feeling and that maybe I’m just confused

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

you are NOT beyond help. as for therapy, trust me whatever u say they have heard “worse” things. people talk to therapists about everything & anything. many people probably have violent thoughts that they would like to act on & therapists even listen to that. ocd is very misunderstood, but having a therapist who understands can make u feel less crazy lol. therapy was really eye opening for me, i didn’t even know i had ocd til i was diagnosed, it never crossed my mind. i felt like i was crazy ( and i mean i still do a lot ) but it’s normal for someone with ocd. you will get better, you just gotta take those steps as hard as it is. i suggest exposure therapy. start little by little . don’t beat yourself up . you realized ur struggles and that’s the first step. if you are able to, when u get these repeating thoughts, take a cold shower. it sounds typical like wtf is a shower gonna do, but it makes u focus on how cold ur body is rather than the thoughts . start off with warm water , then gradually make it colder . it will be uncomfortable, its not meant to feel comfortable, its meant to make u focus on ur uncomfortablity and coldness . ( also i had to go thru like 5 diff therapists to find the correct one, so don’t give up on therapy if u don’t get one u like. i thought therapy just “wasnt for me” but that was til i found a really good one )

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@hiddensquid Thank you for your advice it means a lot, I’m going to try to get therapy now, I really hope it helps, my mind has been playing games with me all day, saying ‘if it feels like you like the feeling of doing that, what if your desperate to do that? What if now you can’t be helped and eventually you will give in and want to do that, or want to feel the feeling of doing that? Since those evil people liked doing that and in films they always make it seem like those evil people get some sort of fulfilment out of doing that and now because it feels like ‘I like the feeling do doing that’ what if that’s me? It’s honestly so scary and then I’m thinking I’m faking being upset as well 😞😞 I hope I can be helped

moonjoy

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 that makes sense, think about it like this . people who enjoy that or really want to do that, they don’t feel guilty or any shame for it because they want to/like doing it . you on the other hand are feeling guilt, shame , anxiety etc . your mind is just playing tricks on you. something i read was instead of being like “stop i dont want these thoughts” or instead of “fighting it” being like “fuck you ocd, im not letting these thoughts win”, literally tell ur mind “okay, tell me those thoughts again” . it sounds silly, because why would u want those thoughts again? but for me, especially having ocd, our minds work against us, so if you tell your mind “please stop giving me these thoughts” it wont, itll give u more, BUT if we tell it give us more thoughts, our mind will do the opposite of it and not give them or u wont probably be as attached to it . idk if thatll help, it sometimes helps me ( of course not always ) . trust me, it’s okay. you will get thru this. i understand overthinking

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

lu22

Date posted: 23w

No therapy, harm ocd need advice Asap please

I keep getting these horrible feelings come back that make me feel down or like my life isn’t the same. It feels almost like someone is holding you over the edge of a cliff and sometimes they pull you back and you feel safe and the next minute they dangle you back over and you feel like there is a big problem again. I feel like I can’t forget how it felt it made me feel like I’m actually evil and I wanted it and enjoyed it and I can’t be normal now. I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I try to forget and be normal but when I do it feels like how do I know I don’t actually want to be evil because it felt like that? And now it feels like what if that’s my true nature and I’m denying it and that makes me feel like well if I’m debating about whether I am or not maybe I actually do want it? I try to live normally but I can’t because I have ‘this’ problem. The thoughts were about stabbing and it felt like it was actually about to happen and I got this weird feeling that felt like I was suddenly really happy about it and discovered why evil people enjoy doing evil things and now I can’t get over that feeling emotion?? Because now I’m thinking how can I forget it felt like that?? And that feeling must still be there I’m jsut not looking for it like maybe if I sat there imagining those thoughts again maybe that feeling would come back ?? I don’t know what to do or who I am I don’t even know if I’m sad or if I’m worried or if I’m good or if I wanted that bad thing but that feeling has really affected me like I don’t know if I want to he evil or not and now I’m worried maybe I was impressed by that feeling what if I want that feeling again because it feels good what if because I felt like I was happy or enjoyed it now I want that again I’m so confused ?? What if evil people enjoy it and I’ve realised why they enjoy it and now I want that feeling again? I don’t know what to do

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Thinking of starting therapy harm ocd please help

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