- Date posted
- 2y
Really need helpš harm ocd
So the past few days have been bad, I woke up this morning havenāt had much sleep, and I straight away had an intrusive thought about my cat, I donāt even know if I can call it intrusive because I probably brought it on myself, but it was about smothering and it felt like when I had that thought that I liked the feeling of imagining doing that. So then I tried imagining it a few more times and it still felt the same but at the same time felt like I wouldnāt want to do that but these days even when I get anxiety or ādisgustā towards the thoughts I feel as though Iām not being genuine or faking it. Iāve had this problem for a year now, at the start I was a nervous wreak and new I hated the thoughts but now I donāt even know anymore. It feels like when I have the thoughts now itās no longer about the āactual thoughtā for a long time now Iāve been focusing on āhow it feelsā because before it felt like I āliked the feeling of doing that when imagining itā I no longer have the thoughts and feel āwhy did I have that thoughtā or ādisgust/shameā all Iām doing is trying to analyse āhow I feelā when imagining doing that horrible thing. I have no problem bringing on the thoughts for months now I have deliberately brought them on and Iām trying to work out why it feels like āI like the feeling of doing thatā when I have the thought. Sometimes I get an electric shock kind of feeling and twitch my head like āew I donāt want thatā but now Iām thinking maybe Iām faking it, I donāt even know when Iām anxious anymore, itās possible that Iām highly stressed and anxious over the thoughts but I donāt even know it. Iām so confused. I definitely get some sort of feelings when having the thoughts but because Iāve been thinking that it feels like āI like the feeling of doing that when having the thoughtā I feel like itās distorted my perception of everything. All I know is it feels like an intense feeling but I donāt know āof whatā Iām just confused and I was explaining this to someone and they started asking me āare you excited, do the thoughts make you excitedā and when someone asks me something like that I feel like it just makes things worse and I start spiralling in my mind. But itās like I canāt even answer that question, I donāt feel particularly āhappyā when having the thoughts but I just donāt know what Iām feeling when having the thoughts and this feeling of āit feels like I like the feelingā is really messing me up, I donāt know how it can feel like I like the feeling of doing something I donāt want to do but at the same time sometimes feel like I donāt like the feeling of doing that. Now I donāt know if that feeling is a genuine desire and Iāve come to like some sick feeling now, I donāt want that to be the case. Iāve been suffering a lot with this problem the amount of times Iāve cried and The way I have reacted to this problem is like never before, I have never felt this bad in my life. I donāt know if Iāve confused it feeling like an āurgeā to me āliking the feelingā maybe Iām constantly putting my body in āfight or flightā and I donāt even know. Maybe what Iām getting is constant āurgesā because Iām deliberately having the thoughts to test myself and when it feels like an urge Iām confusing it with āliking the feelingā but with other intrusive thoughts Iāve had I 100% new I hated them. Like last night before sleeping I kept having these horrible gory images coming to my head and I hated them and knew I didnāt want them, but with this why is it different? Is it possible that Iām more scared of thoughts that involve sharp objects but because these thoughts are about smothering, Iāve been experimenting with the thoughts since they donāt involve sharp objects and arenāt āso alarmingā but are still horrible but because if you have a thought about a sharp object it would be āone horrible actionā you imagine but with this smothering thing itās like your imagining āone action but it carries onā (sorry this is tmi but Iām trying to understand why it feels like that) all I know is if there was a way to get rid of this instantly i would do it but in the mean time I donāt know why it feels like I like the feeling of doing that horrible act, maybe my fight or flight is making my mind think that I want to do that or it feels like an āurgeā but I donāt feel āhappyā but I just donāt get it I donāt know what to do I really want help, this has literally forced me to book a therapist because Iām so lost and confused and worried. But Iām worried because wits not like they can take this feeling away, this feeling of āliking the feelingā feels extremely real, what if Iām getting some sort of sick satisfaction out of imagining doing that thatās why it feels like I ālike the feeling mā Iām worried and donāt know what to do I feel like Iām lying about everything as well please help