Self-sabotaging

I apologize I post here a lot lol. I have a few questions/I want to vent about this. My therapist and I have identified one of the triggers I’ve been trying to work on, which is my fear of never being good enough; for myself, my family, my friends, for my romantic relationships, and just in general. Honestly, I hate myself so much. Not for any reason in particular, but I overanalyze everything I do and let it consume me. I know this is normal for most people, and everyone goes through bouts of self depreciation and lack of self love. I’m trying to give my love to myself that I’ve always given to other people and it’s so difficult. It’s really funny, I need male validation even though I feel like I can never trust a man ever again. I was broken up with at the beginning of April, and so you can imagine how my self worth really has been feeling. I’m aware my self worth isn’t based on other people’s perception of me, but I just want to be loved consistently through my ocd and adhd. It feels like it’s too much for people, while I simultaneously feel like I’m making this a massive deal. I don’t want to get into another relationship ever again, I just think I’m too weird for most men or they’ll take advantage of me for something again. I think if a man is nice to me, it means there’s an ulterior motive or a catch. There’s genuinely no way someone even cares as much about me as I do them, it’s always one sided. I love my friends, I’m taking about relationships wise. Not to mention, I hate the way I look and act. When I think I’m somewhat decent looking, there’s always a post to pop up with this stunningly beautiful girl. I can never catch up with modern beauty standards. I hate this so so so much. I hate feeling this way, how do I make this all stop?

My real-events are terrible. I'm plagued daily by multiple awful things I did as a child / teenager (please don't downplay it.) I've grown into a better person, but the memories won't let me see any progress. It feels as if my insides are dying from grief and shame. How do you go day to day not picturing yourself as a monster?

I recently lost my job and decided I don’t want to go back to the workforce. I have the skills I need to create a job for myself. Unfortunately, my fear of failure/imposter syndrome is really taking its toll. I think I’m scared I won’t be able to find clients. Meanwhile, my savings will run out, and I’ll be poor and miserable again. Because of this, my brain can’t focus and is instead compelling me to figure out the fastest route to income with the least effort and risk of failure. But everything I want to do is risky somehow. I also think I haven’t gotten over losing my job. My bosses unceremoniously laid me off at the end of my workday. They claimed it was because of budget concerns and clients asking for work that was outside my skill set, but I don’t believe them. My send-off came only a few hours after I asked one of my bosses if I could do freelance work outside the office. I’d asked before because i didn’t want to do things behind their backs. But I think they saw it as me not being committed to the company anymore. My head is just a mess right now.