I’m so stressed

Remember, thoughts are just thoughts. Even people without ocd may deal with some scary intrusive thoughts sometime. But unlike us, it's easier for them to recognize them as just thoughts and move on. I am not a professional, but from what I've learned, we need to tolerate the thoughts without doing the compulsions. Eventually, you'll come to realize they were just that, thoughts.

It's like you're being tormented by a bully who keeps trying to show you some graphic shit on their phone. You're unhappy, because despite your discomfort, they keep trying to get your attention by shoving the phone on your face. "Hey check this out, check this out." Of course that's gonna suck. But guess what. Bullies want attention. When you stop reacting to them, they will go for someone else who will entertain them with their reactions.

@Worst person in the world The bully will first try to gaslight you by saying you want to see the images, that you got yourself into this mess. To the point that they pressure you into testing yourself. Well, you don't need to test yourself. Why should you if these images are forced on you? Why is that your responsibility? You don't owe the bully, or anyone, any "proof" that you're not violent. You're just trying to mind your business.

@Worst person in the world I’ve been going through this for a year but now it feels like it’s not even abo it the intrusive thoughts anymore, everyday I’m ‘testing myself’ it’s like a habit now to check if it’s true, I don’t get that much anxiety anymore either when I have the thoughts and for some reason when I had that smothering thought - test thingy where I imagined doing that, it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that horrible action and I’ve been crying so much over it and obsessing over it and keep trying to reimagine that thought everyday to check if it feels like that and it’s awful, I don’t even know who I am or what’s going on, I start crying but still believe I’m bad and worried maybe I’ve taken a liking to some sick feeling and worrying what if I get some sort of fulfilment out of imagining that sick thoughts since it’s like I’m ‘acting on the thought’ I’m really worried I’ve never wanted to be bad and now I’m worried what if I have a conscious but now after experimenting with those thoughts now I like the feeling of doing that it’s really scary

@lu22 You're scared because your mind is telling you things you find scary, not pleasant. That is the textbook definition of OCD. It sounds like you've been dealing with this for so long because you keep testing yourself. That is a compulsion and it will only make things worse. You saod the thought felt good, but all I'm hearing is that you're feeling miserable

@Worst person in the world I have struggled with that sort of intrusive thought once, a long time ago. I was scared I was gonna hurt a family member. Guess what I did. Nothing. Spent most of my day around them, despite being worried, and eventually I relaxed, because I was able to separate the intrusive thoughts from myself. I ignored them. This didn't happen linearly, some moments were hard. The thoughts would return, but I kept spending time with this person and eventually, it became quiet

@Worst person in the world I do feel very down but because of that feeling of ‘it feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ even if I cry or get anxious I don’t believe that I hate the thought or that I’m a good person, it’s like it has me on a choke hold it feels so real, that I don’t believe myself when I cry or I’m sad

@Worst person in the world The only urge you need to fight is doing the compulsions. That's the thing you are struggling against. Your efforts are misplaced. You're going the extra mile to prove you wouldn't hurt your mom. It would be enough to dismiss the thought, but you are taking an unneccessary extra step which is causing you a great deal of stress. What you don't have control over is the need to make sure you wouldn't harm her. That's your impulse. Not causing harm. You're not a monster, you are the victim of a mental illness

@Worst person in the world That’s true before I found that when I tried to not ruminate on the thoughts and not test myself it significantly improved and I felt better. The other thing is I’m now worried that I like the thought or actually want to be evil, because even when I decide to not think about them it feels like I’m lying to myself or that the fact that I have to try so hard to feel ‘normal’ or not ‘evil’ means that I am evil. I’ve been having the same thoughts everyday since February 2022 everyday without fail, so it feels weird to think that after all that turmoil I’m ‘normal’ like how can I be ‘normal’ after all that? Of course I want more than anything to feel normal and have my old life back but it feels like I’m lying to myself that I’m not bad or that I don’t want to do that evil thing

@lu22 When you think you are evil, maybe try correcting yourself. "I have OCD, and I am suffering because of it." Also, what does it mean to be good? Personally, I don't know you. But I know for sure that nobody is perfect. Nobody has good thoughts only. Not even people who don't struggle with mental illness, not even the most extreme pacifists. Good and bad exist on a spectrum. You don't have to be a horrible person to do bad things. And you don't have to be a saint to do good things. Same goes for thoughts. You can be a person who always follows the law and is kind to anyone, and think "damn, I want to punch/kill this guy." You can have that thought, and even enjoy the thought. I have. I never hit anyone, but sometimes, the thought of punching someone feels good. Sometimes, people fantasize about killing their exes for cheating on them. Both these thoughts are not good. But they don't make a person bad, even if they enjoy the thoughts. What makes a person bad is, many would say (including myself), acting on those thoughts. Sime folks have violent thoughts and may find themselves liking those thoughts. They may even create detailed scenarios in their mind. These people don't feel bad for their thoughts. And that is ok. They like them, don't act on them, and move on with their life. If you think this category is evil and horrible, then 99.9% of human beings are evil and horrible and we are all doomed to an eternity in hell. Then there's people who have the thoughts, and find themselves liking them. No guilty feelings, no stress. They're not even intrusive, they're wanted thoughts. These people will have no problem acting on those thoughts. The only source of anxiety, for them, may be getting caught. I think most people would call that evil. I think we are all the result of our experiences and brains, and even among these people, there are those who need help. Then there's people like you, who experience violent thoughts and feel like crap because they don't know if they enjoy the idea of doing that thing or not. That is okay, it happens, especially with OCD. The thoughts, no matter how violent or recurring, don't necessarily make you evil. It would be enough to move on with your day, but you do more than that. You are so scared of being evil, that you torment yourself to protect the thing you care about. You spend hours wondering if you are evil. This experience doesn't make you a bad person, but a person who needs help.

@Worst person in the world People have said to me before that people with harm ocd are usually the most gentle people and the least likely to do something bad. To be honest for my own peace of mind I would prefer to believe that someone is either good or bad I don’t like the existence of there being an ‘in between’ obviously there are people who have good traits and bad traits but when it comes to ‘evil’ or people who would commit crimes I would prefer to believe you can only be evil or good, in fact this is the whole reason I ended up in this mess. Before I had ocd I did use to have harm intrusive thoughts now and again which bothered me but I read up about it being normal to have intrusive thoughts now and then and that pretty much everyone has them and that kept me with a peace of mind. Then I watched this horrible documentary (I regret so much) I’ve always been very sensitive can’t really watch anything violent, but I’m almost 20, thought I could handle it but clearly couldn’t. So I watched the documentary and the thing about it that spiralled me into a panic and what made me start having ocd is because the documentary was about a man who was living a ‘normal’ life got married had kids did normal dad things and one day killed them all, it shattered my whole perception of what a ‘bad’ person was because suddenly it seemed like it’s possible for someone living a ‘normal’ life to turn evil and that made me panic so much, to me I always believed that evil people couldn’t live ‘normal’ looking lives, I mean I don’t know if that man was ‘pretending’ to be normal and maybe plotting all along as some sick fantasy but it scared me so much because suddenly I thought it’s possible to be normal and become evil. To be honest I’m not even sure if I occurred some sort of trauma from that documentary, towards the end of watching it, i physically started shaking (this has never happened in my life) the fear was so immense that I was shaking and this went on for days, I couldn’t stay at home anymore and I followed my mum to work and it remember sitting next to my mum at work and shaking the whole time from being so gripped with fear. Also the intrusive thoughts that bother me the most are about smothering and in that documentary that’s how that evil person killed his family, so I don’t know if that’s why those thoughts bother me more than other intrusive thoughts. But to me, maybe if someone made you angry or insulted you or mocked your family or something then that’s the only instance where I think you could ‘like’ a thought of ‘punching’ someone or something like that, but ‘fantasising’ to me is not something someone who is good can feel about having a violent thought. I feel like if your a good person and have a conscious you can’t ‘fantasise’ about a violent thought. Also there was this influencer on tiktok I use to watch his live videos and I’m going to be honest I use to watch him because I found him attractive and that ‘attraction’ use to distract me from my ocd so I use to watch him almost everyday throughout the whole of my ocd starting, he was a very kind person always very sweet and polite, you could tell he really loved his family a lot and cared for them a lot, he was from another country thought and couldn’t speak much English. Anyways so fast forward down the line, I find out that his mum recently divorced his dad and this guy I watch caught his mum with another man she had been dating and killed him. (It would have to be someone I watch, what luck) but I spoke to one of his friends and apparently it was an ‘honour’ killing and where he is from anyone would have done that because the mum ‘cheating’ on the dad was unacceptable. So technically he’s now a bad person because he’s killed someone, but he done it because in his culture that’s what their taught from a young age to do, that mentality is built into them, but I can’t help but feel sorry for him because he seemed like the sweetest person ever in a lot of his videos he was hugging his dad and making affectionate videos with his brother and friends and I still don’t think he was a bad person, because had his mother not cheated, and with that mentality of ‘honour killing’ he never would have done that, it’s still completely wrong but I can’t help but feel sad that a kind/sweet person felt like they had to do that to preserve honour to their family or that he felt so much anger to do that is just awful. I honestly miss him, it felt like he helped me deal with my ocd since it was a distraction it’s ironic how all the people I could have found to watch online and the one I choose happens to do something bad like that.

@lu22 Unfortunately, we can't enter the minds of the people in your examples to get a full picture of the situation and understand what was going on inside their heads and lives before, during and after they did what they did. But I understand your concern. However, I think that with your (extreme) examples you kind of are agreeing with the existence of a gray area. I relate to how these events have affected you. The same happened to me, watching movies or reading the news. I just couldn't stop comparing my fears to the criminals' actions, frightened of how, sometimes, those we think of as good people can do bad things. And I think that is an important thing to keep in mind because that's how the world works, sadly. You can't really know a person unless you're very close, or you're them. People online tend to show the best aspects of their lives. When they show the lows, they omit the lower lows. We can't really draw conclusions about ourselves from our limited knowledge of other people's experiences. There are far too many factors to consider that make each person's situation unique. You have harm ocd, they (from the little context I have) do not. You are aware that murder is morally wrong, and act accordingly (by extreme means). That's what your OCD feeds on. Other people have different ideas of what is morally acceptable, and act accordingly. Regardless of what you think about these men, we acknowledge they did something bad. They had the choice of not doing it, but they did it anyways. And if they didn't have a choice and their action was the result of some brain condition that changed their personality dramatically (which would be unfortunate, but wouldn't make them evil) that was not as a result of OCD. If we could read their minds, we would understand how they came to the conclusion that murder was the best answer and maybe even feel sympathy, but we can't, and trying to find an explanation to their behaviors that you can use won't do anything but waste your time and make you feel worse. Also, by denying the existence of good and evil on a spectrum rather than two distinct qualities, we would place minor mistakes and major mistakes at the same level, and additionally we would be defined by a single action/thoughts rather than our entire characters, which is unfair. And people are very complex. Your struggle tells me there is good in you. This is a horrible illness to deal with, and I am very sorry. You should speak with a therapist, it's helped me a lot.

@lu22 Please be kind to yourself.

@Worst person in the world Thank you for your response, you have said a lot of eye opening things to me, I appreciate it. To be honest I’m finding myself in a very difficult place and its very scary and dark and I want to escape from it but it has you almost like under a spell of doubt. If you told me right now I could roses a button and all of this would go I 100% would do it, I’ve never wanted to be bad, even when someone was mean to me I’ve never been the type to be spiteful or want to get revenge. At school I was the type to go there and make people laugh, It would come to me naturally to make people laugh and I always wanted to help people and I loved buying or making people gifts, but I would go home after school and be depressed, that’s how most days were. I would also go through these depressive episodes this happened maybe 3 times once when I was very young and the other times during teens, where I was really worried about the fact that me and others were going to die one day and I would get so depressed over it and the only way I would come out of that is when I went back to school (this depression over dying happened during a few weeks off school) so I’ve always been worried about death but I never imagined it would morph into this. Today, every time I had a ‘test thought’ about that smothering thing, I would flinch or get a shock feeling or basically felt like I didn’t want the thought or idea of doing that, but it’s just not enough because quite a few times when I had the thought it felt like I would like the feeling of doing that, it had almost like hypnotised me and no matter how anxious I get over the thought the doubt is there. These thoughts are just awful and the fact that it feels like I might like the feeling of doing that scares me and makes me feel so helpless and just horrible. I’ve been having these intrusive thoughts for a long time, do you think it’s possible to get use to the anxiety that comes with the thoughts so when you have the thoughts and you get ‘anxiety’ it doesn’t feel uncomfortable or like ‘disgust’ ? Because when I have the thoughts I do feel like a feeling in my chest and like I flinch or feel intense but It doesn’t feel extremely uncomfortable or that I hate the thoughts? Have I gotten so use to the anxiety that I don’t even know that I’m ‘anxious’ or in a ‘stressed’ state? Because I honestly dont even know what I’m feeling anymore, i don’t know when I’m anxious and stressed, or I’m just so confused, lately it’s come to me more clearly that the idea of the thoughts makes me feel disgusted but at the same time I don’t know if that’s a genuine feeling? This ‘it feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ is honestly just confusing me and stressing me a lot I don’t know what to do, it makes me feel like I’m genuinely a bad person who would actually want to do those horrible things and ‘like the feeling’ of doing it as well. I don’t want this, I don’t want to feel like this I just want to live my life normally I was fine before and now I’m worried I’ve come to like some sick feeling from imagining it too much. It’s awful. I don’t even feel safe being alone with people it’s so terrible

@lu22 That's rough. Well, I can tell you that getting better is possible. I recently started taking medication, and I noticed that, while the thoughts are still there, they don't cause me as much anxiety as they used to. Plus, I am seeing a therapist. I'll start exposure therapy soon and while I know it will be hard, I trust the process. Have you been receiving professional help? I couldn't do it here because NOCD wouldn't take my insurance, but I did find my current doctors on psychology today. I highly recommend you to look there if you can't do NOCD

@Worst person in the world I just applied to get therapy with NOCD because it was getting too much, I am believing this so much and I don’t even know who I am anymore it’s awful. I’m starting to wonder because I hear people on her who suffer with sexual intrusive thoughts say they get ‘groinal responses to the thoughts even though they don’t like the thoughts’ so now I’m wondering if this thing where it feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ is similar in the sense that it’s a feeling but it’s not true or it’s a ‘fake’ feeling or maybe I’m confusing my feelings and have almost gaslighted myself in to believing something not true because sometimes it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ but other times I just get anxiety when I have the thought I just wish I never thought so much about these thoughts to the point it felt like ‘I like the feeling ‘ its honestly so scary and horrible I don’t see how I can live with this ‘feeling’

@lu22 Therapy should help you with that as well!