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Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Really need advice I’m worried please harm ocd

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help

Username: audiojack12audiojack12

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I'm currently going through some of the worst OCD thoughts and feelings that feel so surreal and vivid. I have multiple types of OCD and one of which is POCD I I really don't like telling people about that because of the fear that they'll think it's not that. But the point of me mentioning this is when I have thoughts like that. It can feel so real that I've convinced myself. It's not OCD and I really do want to do those disgusting things. Even get physical urges ones that I was so scared to mention. But truly wanted to know because the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someone. But I feel like if I lose control maybe I really do want to and maybe just because I'm scared of it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it. Maybe one day I will snap and do something and hurt someone and enjoy it. I don't want to give reassurance or anything but all I will say is the OCD brain is so good at outsmarting you no matter how much logic you use, cuz it all exists in mind. It's so easy for these things to feel real. I understand the uncertainty and the fear and I completely know why you don't just want to leave it to rest because at that slight chance that you are faking the anxiety and that you really enjoy these thoughts, but The truth is you seem like someone who would never want to hurt someone at the risk of this being reassurance. All I will say is it sounds just like OCD to me. I know your brain if you overthink as much as I do will probably still tell you that How do I know for sure? Because I don't know you. And maybe you're even trying to convince yourself that you don't want to. But deep down You're lying to yourself. Well someone may not want the thoughts. But like I said, those CD brain is very powerful. The thoughts and feelings can feel so surreal to the point that you actually believed you like them. And the fact that you know you have OCD and the amount that you're wearing over this sounds to me truly like you're a good person. Just really struggling with OCD. While I do believe you're just someone struggling with OCD, I know it's tough to give that advice without making you feel like you're going to have to come back and ask again just to make sure that the thoughts aren't real, but try not to take it as reassurance and try to just recognize this as the fierce in your mind and allow them to be as they are. That's the only thing that will give you some peace. It's accepting them, the more you try to overthink them or prove them wrong, the deeper you'll go and the more intense it will be. Anyway, you'll truly get peace is accepting and dropping it. It's so much harder done than said. But I promise you it is possible if you have to start with the smallest thing or have completely avoiding a compulsion. Seems hard. You can try pushing it later. Sometimes my thoughts are so intense I feel like i can't just not do them but saying I'll do it in a hour and a half or so helps you resist it and sometimes even forget about it. But you have to truly push it to later. Not worry about doing it the whole time until you do. All I'm saying is I know how hard this is and I'm so sorry you have to go through it but I truly have faith. You can do it. If you do need support I'm here.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@audiojack12 Thank you so much for your reply, it’s is definitely very difficult to just accept uncertainty and try to forget about it, every time I relive the thought it feels the same feeling of ‘liking the feeling of doing that’ except today I was getting anxiety and shiver feelings every time I was having the thoughts. I was wondering with the ‘urges’ in the moment of having that ‘urge’ can it feel like you would like to act on that thought or that you would enjoy the feeling of doing that horrible action? Because every time I get that urge feeling it doesn’t just feel like an ‘urge’ it feels like I want to do that and would enjoy or like doing that horrible thing? I honestly can’t believe I’m going through this a whole year of my life worrying and it just never ends the worrying is still going on 😞

Username: Jak71Jak71

Date posted: 1y ago

I think you’ve actually answered your own question in a way. You have analysed this so much and I speak from experience, that your ocd has just found another way to get your full attention. You are not your thoughts.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@jay71 I feel so hopeless and like I’m just unable to get any answers none of my other intrusive thoughts felt like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ when imagining them, with the other intrusive thoughts it did make me question whether I wanted to do those things but it always felt like I just desperately wanted those thoughts to go but with these smothering thoughts I do want them to go but I don’t understand why it feels like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that’ it’s horrible, how can I feel like I like the feeling of doing something. I don’t want to do. I don’t even know if it’s true or if I’m confused but it feels very real

Username: Jak71Jak71

Date posted: 1y ago

@lu22 I’m so sorry you are struggling. Me too x

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Take a deep breath and keep calm. This sounds like ocd, and I think you should talk to a therapist or try this site called Impulse if therapy is too expensive

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous I have applied for a therapist, I’m so worried 😞

Username: Mel078Mel078

Date posted: 1y ago

First of all, take a deep breath! Maybe try one of those anti panic breathing patterns, I do feel like they help! Second of all, one thing I have learned since starting recovery is that sometimes brains are just weird. Just because you have a thought doesn't mean you like it or tried having it. We are bombarded with so many different images and sensations the entire day that all have to be processed by or brains and its no wonder that we end up thinking of all kind of weird things. Don't try to analize how you feel about them or why they are there. Just let them pass through. Maybe try imagining them as little boats that sail past you as you watch how they disappear behind the horizon before going on with your life!

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mel078 But it feels so incredibly real, I keep having the thoughts on purpose the whole day and by the end I have a bad headache, also do you think it’s possible to fake an anxious feeling? Like you can’t be feeling anxious unless your actuallly anxious right? Like I keep getting a jittery feeling and in that moment the thought comes I kind of shiver at the thought and feel intense but I don’t know if I’m deliberately bringing that on and maybe I’m not actually anxious or repulsed at the thought? Because for a long time I could have the thoughts and not feel anxious but suddenly I’m getting like this so idk if I’m bringing it on on purpose to make myself believe I hate the thoughts but maybe secretly I like them 😞

Username: Mel078Mel078

Date posted: 1y ago

@lu22 I am positive that there is no way you could fake an anxious feeling to yourself! You cant fake things that you are feeling yourself. Actually I think you cant fake anything to yourself, it just doesn't work like that! This is just your OCD begging you for attention and making you question yourself!

Username: Jak71Jak71

Date posted: 1y ago

@lu22 You say you have the thoughts on purpose? Me too and i think what we do with OCD is mentally ruminate sometimes for hours to ‘test’ ourselves. Unfortunately this is counterproductive as just feeds into our fears and keeps the cycle going. Best thing i think is to sit with your fears and anxiety and worries, which i know is very difficult but achievable. I am trying this. OCD thrives on ‘what ifs’ and will never be satisfied.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mel078 Thank you for replying to me it means so much 😞 no matter how much I cry or have a break down It feels like I’ve stopped believing I’m good because of this feeling of ‘feeling like I like the feeling of doing that’ What do you think about this? Have I possibly confused an urge with me ‘liking the feeling’ because before it just use to feeling like an urge to suddenly lash out but after imagining the thought in too much detail it started feeling like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ and it feels like I like the feeling of pushing a pillow on someone’s face and suffocating them (sorry this is tmi) I’m really worried I don’t want to like such a horrible thing and that intense feeling I get while imagining the thoughts makes me feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ it’s really awful I’m so worried I feel like My whole life is over because now I like the feeling of something so horrible and I’m worried I can’t be helped. I don’t want to be crazy or bad, I’ve always wanted to be a good person 😞 I’m so caught up with this ‘feeling’ and it’s awful

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Mel078 Sorry for the long reply

Username: Mel078Mel078

Date posted: 1y ago

@lu22 I hope you feel better soon! Remember that OCD isn't part of your personality! It can never make you a bad person, because its not part of what type of person you are at all!

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@jay71 But why does it feel like I like the feeling of doing that when imagining it? Like it’s so awful almost every time I have the thought of squashing someone’s face with a pillow it feels like I would Like the feeling of doing that and I don’t want to like such a horrible feeling. I wish I never analysed the thought so much 😞 now I’m get anxiety but I’m worried it’s not genuine and I actually do like the feeling. What if after it feeling like an urge for so long that now I like the feeling of imagining doing that and it feels satisfying to act on it? I don’t want to do such a horrible thing I never have and now it feels like I like the feeling of imagining doing that I’m so worried I’ve hid all the pillows behind my sofa and it helped for a bit since ‘out of sight out of mind’ and now I jus that’s pillows it feels like they’re a threat I hate being in a room with someone with pillows there and the fact it feels so real makes me think ‘what if I feel like this because I want to do that’ when I feel uncomfortable in a room with pillows

Username: byerrachbyerrach

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi! You are not alone in feeling that way. My OCD is hardest for me when the physical feelings of anxiety (shocking/tingling/burning/shaking) come around because my brain becomes convinced that because I'm experiencing those feelings, I'm going to act on the thoughts. Interroceptive exposures are very helpful for me in this scenario. Habituating to those feelings helps me become less attached and concerned about them.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@byerrach When the ‘urges’ happen is it possible for those urges to make you feel like you would ‘like acting on the thought’ or you would ‘enjoy the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ it honestly driving me crazy I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something so horrible but it feels so real 😞

Username: byerrachbyerrach

Date posted: 1y ago

@lu22 Those fears have occurred to me, yes. In the moment, it is so hard to look beyond the scary thoughts and feelings. But--my response to those thoughts and feelings is "maybe, maybe not. I'm going to keep moving towards my values."

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@byerrach Thank you for your reply, i worry that saying maybe,maybe not is almost like encouraging myself to be evil…also idk if it’s because I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for a long time now and got use to them but when I have the urges or it makes me feel like I would like the feeling of doing that horrible thing, I don’t always feel scared or feel like those thoughts are ‘scary’ which makes the feeling of ‘feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ even worse since I don’t feel disgusted/scared by the thoughts 😞

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Please give me advice harm ocd

I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Really suffering a lot

Please reply, I know this can be seen as seeking reassurance but I think in some cases people need it and I am really suffering and am not in therapy or have ever been 😞 Is it possible with harm ocd that you can get use to the thought to the point you don’t get anxiety but the ‘urges’ can still be there? Or it feels like you ‘want’ to act on it or ‘like it’ or my head has literally convinced me that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I get no anxiety when thinking about the thoughts (thoughts about smothering) and it’s stressing me out because I get no anxiety but it feels like I would suddenly lash out and do that and it’s because I ‘know how it feels to do that and enjoy/like the feeling of doing that/stopping someone from breathing with a pillow) I feel very upset and don’t know what to do, I’m carrying on with things but I’m constantly carrying this with me and I’m not stressing out over it every second of the day but I feel like I just don’t know what to do it feels so real and like it would actually happen and it’s ‘not the right circumstance for it to happen’ and Im just a mess and don’t know how I can live my life this way, believing this? It feels like it would happen or is inevitable and it would be because I like the feeling of smothering and it’s so horrible and I don’t know what to do I don’t even feel any bad feelings of anxiety or anything anymore but the other fake urges/feelings are there and it’s weird and I’m worried and don’t know how to deal with this

Username: lu22

Date posted: 18w ago

Need advice harm ocd

I wrote this post earlier but I put it again because I need some advice otherwise I will be ruminating all night and suffering. I feel quite numb to everything now but I’ve got a bad habit of everytime I get a horrible/gory thought I start deliberately imagining it/playing it out like a scenario in my head and I don’t get anxiety and sometimes it feels like I ‘like it’ or almost like ‘i want to do that horrible thing’ I think drinking caffeine effects me but I drink Diet Coke before and last night it was really bad like I also keep doing this thing where I keep pulling faces in the mirror like I saw this thing where it said evil killers or psychos you can see the whites of their eyes at the top and I keep pulling that face in the mirror and sometimes it feels like I’m actually evil or look evil and I had this weird horrible dream and in the dream I got like adrenaline anxiety and I was smiling about being evil or doing something bad and last night I had a Diet Coke and was up really late and I went to brush my teeth and started pulling those faces in the mirror and suddenly I felt like adrenaline or soemthing and was pulling like evil smiles in the mirror like ‘imagine you killed/stabbed your mum right now and it felt real they I ‘wanted it’ or ‘liked it’ or I’ve got this horrible thing in my head I heard before that evil people enjoy doing that and get adrenaline excited and I’m thinking why am I believing that about myself or almost thinking I could be like that and I feel numb but I’m worried I’m scared but at the same time feel nothing I’m scared I will become evil or would give in or when i start deliberately imagining the thoughts it feels like I’m being hypnotised in that moment or that it could actually happen because of they way I’m thinking I can’t explain it but I’m scared and don’t know what if I’m secretly evil why do I keep deliberately imagining things before it was to test myself but now it feels almost like instead of denying it I’m almost trying to convince myself I am evil and I’m worried what if I’m curious about being evil that’s why I’m imagining sick things I’m worried, I do things that show that I care for others but at the same time I’m thinking what if someone could still be evil even though they do good things? And someone on here once said they think you can become evil if you keep thinking you are and sometimes it feels like when I’m imagining those thoughts almost like so real like I’m being influenced or it could happen and I don’t know what To do I can’t even cry over things anymore I’m scared

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Really need advice I’m worried please harm ocd

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