When was the last time I had a day where I didnt have to mentally torture myself to make sure I wasn't what I feared most. It has stolen so much from me and it is as if I am no longer able to live. It is always back to this problem. I genuinely despise myself.
We got you. We are not are thoughts but unfortunately we have to live with then and they harass us night n day with lies n crap ...that is the evil of OCD ...it feeds on the opposite" of who we truly are and thats what makes it soo upsetting because none of it is true. OCD plays on our fears and everything we are NOT thats what it does to hurt us. Know WHO U are ...OCD is an illness based on mental distortions.. its not who you are or your beliefs at all so remember that my friend...Stay strongšš
I donāt know if you are getting counseling for OCD. I have been NOCD and it has been a huge help. I donāt know if you are familiar with Exposer Response Prevention (ERP). I have the same thoughts like you. My ERP was to say āYep. I am not the person of integrity I profess I want to beā. āYep these people are pissed off at me because I insulted themā. Was it hard at first - Absolutely - Did it work for me - Absolutely. Let OCD tell you whatever it wants and just keep going on with your day. You and I will never, never, never, never, never out logic OCD. But we can train ourselves to not give any authority to those thoughts. No one can do it for me, and no one can do it for you. Is it a struggle? Absolutely. Is it worth the struggle? Absolutely. You can do it. The only difference between you and me is what triggers us. When you struggle with those thoughts remember there are many of us struggling with it also. You are not alone. I know you can say āNoā to OCD. I still give in at times to OCD but it is having less and less of a grip on me. I know you can say āNoā to OCD š.
@LowellT How long have you done erp
I started erp about 1 1/2 years ago. That is when I started with NOCD.
@LowellT So it takes time? I started erp w nocd too but I was referred to iop
Thank you for all the encouragements to keep fighting, I am seeking a diagnosis to atleast be diagnosed for OCD (I had contamination fears to the point of my hands bleeding during COVID) so maybe it will be easier and avoid being misdiagnosed to discuss POCD when I will be mentally strong enough to talk about it.
Stay strong. Prayer and learning to forgive myself for the thoughts has helped me a lot.
To be honest it was interesting because I didnāt really realize the progress that I was making but then I realized āthings have gotten betterā The fist things I was working on was not having the car honk when I would lock it. I could only do the one click where the lights flash one time. Also I had a hard time getting in and out of the car thinking ādid my car door hit the car next to meā. So I spent a lot of time going to a parking lot park next to a car get out of mine walk to the back of the car then get back in without looking at the car I parked next to. If I did look Iād have to redo it. Then I realized āOh it doesnāt bother me nearly as much as it did beforeā. So I was doing different erp for different things. Then I guess after 10 months or so I realized a lot of things that caused anxiety were not nearly as much of an issue. Having said that I did let the anxiety rise and I still got on with things. There were tears and anxiety sweat. It was hard, but it is worth it. I have things I am still working through. I do give in to OCD, so Iām still having hard times but I can truly say the work is worth it. I know no one can do it for me. I totally understand the struggle in doing erp. But I can say from experience the work is worth it. I know you can do the work š.
I'm way too hard on myself. It's affecting the way I think, the way I feel about myself, and my sleep. 3 days in a row I've been completely unable to sleep on time because of these thoughts. The good thoughts are never here and the bad ones are the ones that get the most attention. Everything feels boiled up inside. Any praise that I feel in myself seems short lived and the long term bad that come from events years and years ago seem to overwhelm me. Why can't I put this behind me? Why can't I just be at peace? Why is it that every day that passes I think about the fears that come with these intrusive thoughts? Is ERP seriously the only way? I can't stand this anymore. It never used to be this way before the pandemic hit. It never used to be this complicated, which is a word I despise saying.
I'm so scared, it feels so real. It's like my mind finds every little thing to trigger me, even when I'm thinking normally. I have this permanent disgusting feeling now that won't go away, my mind twists everything into some disgusting thought. What if it is real and I'm a actually a monster? All I can think about are what ifs. I don't know how this could have even started, the last thing I want is for this to be true. I hate myself so much, I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I want it to end, I just want everything to end
I don't think I'll ever stop feeling this way. It just keeps coming back over and over again. I keep getting intrusive thoughts that I've sexually assaulted someone and I've ruminated so many times on it that I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if an elbow brushing against someone constitutes for that but I'm terrified of it and have been since it happened. Other thoughts keep saying I'm a bad person that's hiding things and I just get drained and defeated from these thoughts. I don't know if I'll ever move on from the past.
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