- Date posted
- 2y
First experience with SOOCD
I've been having SOOCD attacks/triggers for the past three weeks I always thought I'm a straight female, I've never been in a relationship and never had male friends I know it won't kill me if I'm bi, but I'm really scared of completly losing attraction to men I know I'm still attracted to men when I have moments of clarity, but sometimes I feel like I'm not "attracted enough" and experience false reactions/memories I've always had dreams of having a husband and it hurts so much to think that I could never achieve this When these OCD attacks started I completly isolated myself from my friends, because I'm morbidly afraid that I may fall in love with one of my close female friends When I have my moments of clarity, I know that I'm not attracted to them, but these moments of clarity are very brief I'm deeply scared of getting too close to my friends and I keep on making plans for a "new life" without them Because my OCD tells me that I'll break these friendships if I don't talk to them everyday It triggers a terrible panic attack whenerher I try to talk to them and I keep thinking about this failed attempt for the rest of my day My hobby is art and when all of this started I wasn't able to write/draw anything Whenerher I see any motif of love (no matter if straight or gay, my reaction is the same) or want to continue/start drawing something about love I get a panic attack I used to imagine love scenes with characters all the time, I absolutely loved it it was my thing and made me sooo happy Can I ever go back to how it was before? Can I get back to my friends without fear? Can I ever create art about love without feeling pain? I just keep crying all day and can't move out of bed How do I help myself?