- Username
- rbqcm
- Date posted
- 95d ago
- "Pure" OCD
- Somatic OCD
What kind of OCD is this?
I've been struggling for years with this. I'm pretty sure that this is OCD but I'm not able to identify it with any typical OCD category. I feel it a bit selfish or self-centered but I can't help it. I'm not in control of my inner dialogue. Going straight to the point. I have the feeling that I won't be myself (physically, metally, etc) and I'll lose my skills if I think of someone else while I'm doing certain things (touching objects, opening stuff, crossing doors, whatever). So I have to go back and do it again thinking of a "good" person (not necessarily myself but what I consider is good enough). Questions like "will I be able to perform at work?", "Will I be able to socialize properly as I do, if I'm not myself?", "I'm usually capable of doing this hard activity, will I be able to do it again, if I'm not me?" raise. I know it makes no sense at all. I don't have to worry about it but you all know how this goes. Imagine having that power to change who you are... And it only activates when you transform in someone you don't like. I typically don't do compulsions anymore. But the obsession remains there for hours or days. Sometimes it goes away and it's fine (it easier when I'm unable to repeat the action again because of its nature). But other times, it's like hell and the feeling doesn't fade. Typically, I realized that when the action is something that I'll do at some point, it is harder to let go. For example, cleaning my room. My mind keeps waiting because it knows I'll do it eventually, and when I do it feels like a compulsion... Which means momentary relief... And going back to square one. No progress. Something else will come up and let's start again. Now I'm trying to purposely think of "bad" people when I have to do stuff again in those situations. Like letting my mind know that the waiting is useless so better start moving on. It's not really working yet, though. It always find a way through to make me feel I failed somehow. Thanks for reading. Not sure what kind of answer I'm looking for here. I just wanted to share this experience.