My therapist that I see for trauma told me she doesn't think I have ROCD because I have rational reasons for feeling disconnected from my now ex boyfriend. I'm seeing my ex tomorrow at his request after 8 months broken up with the last 3 months having no contact. I'm not feeling excited. He doesn't feel like a best friend to me. How can I stay centered during talking to him. I don't want to spiral
having a similar situation…This is what I told myself and I hope it helps: I am a way healthier stronger and wiser person now and i can encounter them and stay grounded. I don’t have to share what Im not ready to. I don’t have to perceive them as good as bad. I can wait to feel them out when the anxiety has calmed down. I can trust myself.
Write down your boundaries. Or type them up. Just have a physical representation of them in front of you. Those are real. And you deserve to hold them like real things. You can’t control what he does or sometimes even how it affects you, but what you do have control over is how you react. If at any point, you don’t feel like you can control your reactions, it’s probably time to disengage.
And in my experience my OCD has attached itself to very real trauma and made my decision to continue a relationship a living hell lately, so even though I’m not an expert, I think relationship trauma and ROCD are not mutually exclusive.
@Bronsautracks yes totally agree
@Bronsautracks Hey.. you seem to have really good advice.. could you help me pls this is a little long but i could use some advice … thankyouu.. A guy i really like and i have been going through a messy situation where we decided to take some time of off each other and its been a while since we have texted but i really like this guy and not texting him hasn't been easy and i have missed him i don't know when things will get better but in this time span i am afraid and scared he might talk to other girls and stuff i hope to reconnect later and because the situation is so messy i decided to be patient and put it in gods hands but rn with this one guy friend of mine who i cant imagine myself with i thought of him for a second in a different way or so i thought or my brain said or idk it feels more of a distraction from the guy i really like cause i miss him but why did i think about this other guy in the first place altogether that means I don't miss my guy to begin with right? This is not right why are these thoughts coming to my brain i am feeling guilty or am i ? Is this what i need? No it's shouldnt be am I anxious or am i just acting anxious so that i can justify feeling like this? Is this actually true that i wont feel anything for him with time and just these thoughts about the other guy will consume my brain and i never had anything for the guy i liked to begin with? Otherwise why even for a sec i would get that thought? Are my feelings not loyal to the guy i actually like or am i lying to myself why did i think about this friend at all? Is this some sign? He is just a friend and i will like to keep him just that. Why does this thought even pop in my brain have i thought of him differently? I might have which is why it did? I believe in god way too much why would this thought pop up without any reason? And also do i like it but am i scared to accept it which is why i suddenly came to write all this cause i feel guilty or actually there is some truth to this thought and i am trying to make it anxious thinking and even now i am writing all this just so that it comes of as anxious whereas i just wanna hear it and i am actually okay.. and not feeling anxious i am so torn and tormented rn pls help someone.. is this my ocd talking or actual thoughts??
Sometimes, it can help ground you just to write the thoughts down. This passage, for instance looks a lot like the inside of my brain when I spiral. My spirals are exclusively part of my OCD. This type of dissonant thought symphony is always a signal that it’s time for me to slow down and take things one step at a time. Start on the outside when there’s an outside trigger. In this case, your trigger is taking a break from a relationship. Look at your relationship like an open door. “Taking time off” “taking a break” or “breaking up” are all acts of closing that door. Distinguishing whether loyalty was necessary when that door is closed for it to open again was up to your partner’s discretion, since I assume he was the one to close it. Your very detailed thought process makes me think that the lines drawn would be much clearer if you’d been the one to close it, but correct me if I’m wrong. Now we tackle the inner conflict. In this case, your thoughts vs your self-image and how your belief in God plays a part. Let me tell you, I struggled a lot with belief in God, and while I don’t believe anymore, I generally retain a sense that everything happens for a reason. But not the things in my head; those are all mine, be they welcome guests or proverbial demons I fight against. My struggle was always reconciling the turmoil I experienced daily with being observed and condoned by a loving and merciful God. My OCD found my faith and took that away. If I ever find my way back, God’s door is open. No person is so forgiving. No human is so prepared to open themself to potential abandonment time and again. From my life experiences, if there is a God, he sends people, not thoughts. If God ever did anything for me, it was putting my future spouse in my path when I’d resolved to live my life recklessly and dangerously, it was sending me my first child when I was at my lowest point in life. But I like to think I chose those paths for myself. If God was involved, it was only in giving me the option. I was making my own signs, and the people I love lifted me up out of the dark. And while we’re on the topic of the big guy in the sky, he will not judge you on your passing thoughts, but your actions and choices. Your fidelity to a partner manifests in your real world impact, not in your head. It’s why moral values exist. To be weighed in your head and influence your choices. The blessing and responsibility of free will. For instance, the impact your partner’s unclear boundaries are having on you. Maybe he couldn’t anticipate your distress. Despite intentions, if you’re on a break and fidelity is in question from either side of the door, there needs to be room for communication. You can’t guess someone else’s boundaries and live by them when they aren’t even around. So to pull the uncertainty out by the root, you can try to open the door and reach out, or you can decide that you have mutually closed the door, and while it is closed your actions and desires have no bearing on whether or not that door opens again. Then you can tackle figuring out whether your feelings for your friend are real. You’re trying to fix everything all at once and taking all the responsibility for the confusion on yourself and your disorder. I do this all the time. It gives me the illusion of control. If it’s all on me, I can fix it. If it’s all on me, I can stop it from happening again. Relationships, breaks and break ups are confusing. Needing clarification or clear communication is not the same as asking for reassurance. I know that this statement is reassurance in and of itself, but it’s fact and I stand by it. It’s been one of my biggest hurdles and remains to this day. Here is the bottom line: no clear boundaries have been communicated to you. You are hesitant to reach out because you’re on a break. At the end of the day, what happens when the door is closed doesn’t matter. It will always open again if that’s what you both want. Not because God wills it. God gave that will to you. Reach out, or leave it up to future you to deal with. God gave you the tools. Leaving it up to God is for things you or others can’t control, and if your partner wants that door to open again in the future, he has a responsibility to communicate that to you, and account for your boundaries as well as establishing his own.
@Bronsautracks Hey, thankyou so much. This makes so much sense. Really appreciate it.
I’m having what I think is my first ROCD full episode. I’ve had doubting thoughts the entirety of my relationship. But in the last couple of days have been overwhelmed with and debilitated by anxiety and the feeling that I need to break up with my boyfriend. I don’t know if I have OCD officially but talking to therapists it seems that it is likely and I’m going to an OCD specialist next week to talk through my feelings but I feel completely helpless and hopeless at the moment and riddled with anxiety. I’m in a long distance relationship. I seem to have a waves throughout the day when I want to communicate with my boyfriend and tell him I love him etc. but the other 80% of my day is filled with anxiety and dread that I’m going to have to break up with him. I just want the anxiety to go away and to know if my thoughts are real thoughts or OCD thoughts. My biggest fear is that this isn’t an OCD episode and I do need to break up with him. I’m seeing him this weekend and I’m filled with dread about feeling disconnected and anxious and not in love.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so disconnected from my boyfriend, and I don’t understand why. When I look at him, it feels like I’m looking at a stranger, and my mind keeps telling me that I don’t like him, that I never really loved him, or that I was just attached and comfortable. It feels real, and that terrifies me. I know logically that ROCD makes me overanalyze every little feeling, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I keep waiting to feel something—love, excitement, even relief—but instead, I just feel numb and distant. When we talk, I feel weird. When he kisses me, I don’t feel much. I keep thinking, ‘If I really loved him, wouldn’t I feel something?’ And the fact that I don’t just fuels my anxiety even more. It scares me that I can’t remember how I felt before ROCD took over. I look at old pictures, and my brain tells me, ‘That wasn’t real, you were just excited to have a relationship.’ And because I can’t access those feelings right now, it makes me doubt everything even more. I also feel guilty because my boyfriend is so loving and patient, but I feel like I’m hurting him. He tells me he doesn’t feel loved by me anymore, and I hate that I can’t just snap out of this and be the way I was before. It’s exhausting. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I keep checking how I feel every second, and it just makes me feel worse. I know that’s a compulsion, but it’s so hard to stop. I keep searching for certainty, but no answer satisfies me. Even when I try to accept the uncertainty, my mind screams, ‘But what if you don’t love him? What if you’re just lying to yourself?’ I want to be present with him. I want to feel love naturally again. But I don’t know how to get there, and it’s terrifying.”
Is it normal feeling no connection towards your boyfriend if you think you're dealing with ROCD. I was talking with my therapist last Wednesday and she asked me if I can picture a future with them for the longest time I did but now I feel like my head is trying to tell me no is that common?
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond
