I don’t know anymore harm ocd

I don’t really know what to do anymore. I was feeling better but started ruminating again. I have imagined acting on that horrible thing so many times to ‘test myself’ to see if I hate it and now it’s become a habit to test myself all the time and I can deliberately imagine that horrible thought and don’t feel bad about imagining it and all I’m focused on is checking how ‘I feel’ to see if I would like the feeling of doing that or not because now I’m paranoid that I like the feeling of ‘acting on the thought’ because when I imaginings it, that’s what if felt like. Even when I get a ‘shock’ or ‘goosebumps’ or pull a ‘ew’ kind of face when having the thought I still don’t believe I’m good, no matter how much I prove myself to be a good person I still don’t believe it and it feels so scarily real and I don’t know if I’m actually bad and like the feeling of doing that (which is a really scary thing to feel/think about, it’s so dark and horrible) or whether I’m just confused and would never actually do that, I’m really worried tbag I like the feeling of imagining doing that because I can’t explain it but that’s what it feels like and now it’s just awful situation, now I’m worried I like some sick feeling (it’s about smothering) and it’s so scary to be worrying that it feels like you like the feeling of doing that from imagining it and it’s really scary. I test myself all the time and it’s just not good, because it’s like if I’m a good person how can I so easily imagine these things and not feel bad anymore? All I’m focused on is testing how I feel and I don’t get anxious about having the thoughts or anything, I should be repulsed at the idea of the thoughts and know for definite I would never want to do that but now it’s just all confusing and it feels like I don’t even know what the truth is anymore, I’m really confused and don’t know what to do, I keep having angry emotional outbursts of arguing and crying and I’m super sensitive and get irritated all the time and in a way I feel angry that I have to go through this, why me?? Why do I have to go through this? It’s so unfair

makeupandchi...

Date posted: 2y

I test my thoughts too I get it

Bronsautracks

Date posted: 2y

Yes, angry. Angry is love for yourself. The anger is the part of you that wants to fight for you because you know who you are. Take the anger instead. It’s productive, it’s energetic, it’s a call to action. Exercise or scream or play a competitive game or write an angry poem or sing angsty songs in the shower. Follow the anger, find a healthy release, and give yourself some relief. You passed all the tests already, and your anger knows that you shouldn’t have to do them at all. It’s trying to build you a path.

Fiskfkgo12

Date posted: 2y

I feel you 100%. What I learned was that you have to make a radical desicion and stop ruminating. My OCD went even further and I was stuck ruminating about if I even want to stop ruminatin, crazy isn’t it? It must confuse you, make you feel crazy or even ”not make you feel crazy” because ocd claims you’re the mad person you fear of being. The problem just is that it feels so real. And there’s no limit how real the lies brought by this mental disorder can feel. Cheers mate, I wish you the power.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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I don’t know anymore harm ocd

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