I thought I hated my friend but I am jealous now

For the past several months I had thought I hated my friend. We were very intimate friends, that's to say very close. She told me she liked me, because I compulsively confessed to her and said I liked her. Then I felt like I didn't, and compulsively told her I didn't. And then for the next several months, like I said, I thought I hated her. But now she's dating some other guy, and when she talks to me about him. There is this sharp pain in my heart. I want her to be talking about me. This isnt the first sign of this. I seem to constantly want what I don't have, and hate everything I do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if this is OCD or maybe I am just an egotistical asshole. But I think if she knew this she would hate me. I feel so sorry for breaking her heart. And I don't want to confuse her even more. So why do I want her attention? Why do I want her to gush about me only? I always feel like I am the problem, I just want to stop being the problem. But my very existence seems to stab everything I love. It double sucks cause my birthday is literally in two days. I want to enjoy my birthday with her and my friends, but now I feel like I have to tell her.

Username: BronsautracksBronsautracks

Date posted: 1y ago

It will not benefit her to know unless you find yourself in a place to provide a stable and loving relationship, and even then it sounds like she’d be content to continue the relationship she’s in. Let your friendship be what it is. Your feelings are valid, but you should keep them to yourself if you can’t act decisively and with commitment in this context. I hope your birthday goes really well and that you have a great time!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you the advice, much appreciated :)

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I know she doesn't owe me anything btw I thought I should add that cause I didn't say it in the initial thread

Username: Salty_11Salty_11

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel similarly to you—that I long for what I don’t have and can’t enjoy what I do, even if I really want to. Often when I try to see the good in what I have, my brain tells me I’m “settling” and the people in my life deserve better. I also worry that I’m just an asshole. I’d be curious to know if this is OCD or not—I’m currently assuming it is a combination of ROCD, scrupulosity OCD, and perfectionism. I’m trying to remember that actions > thoughts, and I will work toward my values (commitment, kindness, maintaining relationships) instead of being ruled by my thoughts and feelings, both of which can be fleeting and sometimes downright untrue if it’s OCD. I think identifying that you confessing to her is compulsive is important. Part of ERP therapy for OCD recovery is not to engage in compulsions but sit with your obsessions and the discomfort they bring. You can always tell her if you feel a certain way about her, but don’t do it as a compulsion: and if it’s done right, it will be a thoughtful decision rather than one driven by the urgent need to avoid your OCD anxiety/distress

Username: bassoonista

Date posted: 3y ago

Has anyone else had OCD over a person?? In an ugly, anxious way?? Like obsessing over their appearance and what people think of them because you don’t want them to have any good??? I know that sounds awful and I FEEL awful, but I just can’t help it. Don’t know how it was triggered, but I think it usually starts when I think people are full of themselves/narcissistic... I just feel alone :(

Username: Anonymous 99

Date posted: 1y ago

Please Help - Is this OCD

Hey everyone, I’m hoping someone can help. Long story short, I have a childhood friend who in HS we became romantically interested in each other, loved each other and then over the years it was to painful because we couldn’t be together because of religious reasons. I blocked him because of the pain, and then we would run into each other a lot and I would block and unblock him as we reconnected over the past 5 years. Well I unblocked him, and we reconnected again - just as friends, but emotionally every time I unblock I feel like I’m a mess. Like I have the obsessive thinking about him and I just feel emotionally tied down even though we are not together. It then makes me want to block him again (which I don’t want to do bc I know that’s messed up), but idk how to just have my brain realize it’s okay we are just friends. Idk if this even makes sense, my brain just feels so black and white and it’s so anxious.

Username: sofiarenee

Date posted: 1y ago

relationship ocd. so tired.

so back in july i made a mistake of going behind my partner’s back and hanging out with an old guy friend (who i had a romantic past with) and while i was hanging out with him i had a great time but man my thoughts were going crazy. i found him attractive, funny, etc. i’ve known him for years and everytime we would talk i felt there was some type of tension. like romantic or something. well i felt it again when we hung out and immediately regretted it because i know i love my boyfriend a lot and i felt like a horrible person for doing something like that. i couldn’t hide it from him any longer than i did (not even 3 days) so i told him and he got really upset. at the time i didn’t know what i want, either my boyfriend or that friend. i decided to stay with my boyfriend and ever since i’ve been getting crazy intrusive thoughts about my old friend (i blocked him so i don’t have contact with him). a few months later (now) i know that i want and love my boyfriend, i don’t want to be with anyone else. but i’ve been getting so many intrusive thoughts about that guy and seeing certain posts just remind me of him even when i don’t want them to. then my brain starts to spiral - ‘what if you actually want to be with him instead and you’re just in denial right now’ or something like ‘you dont love your boyfriend, if you did you wouldnt be having these thoughts’ and i’m just so..drained. i’m so tired of thinking about this guy, i seriously don’t want to think about him. i just want to be happy with my boyfriend. i keep telling myself i know what i want, because i do. i want to be with my bf and i want to be happy with him…i love him so much. but my brain just tries to tell me otherwise. i know i messed up and i’m paying the price for it. maybe i do deserve this. i just wish i could erase everything, my past, etc. and just move on. my boyfriend doesn’t hold what i did against me but he’s well aware of what happened and i know how it made him feel. i would do anything to take it back because he doesn’t deserve that, he never did. and i seriously want to be better for him. but these constant thoughts i get are always getting in the way and almost making me feel hopeless. i haven’t told my bf about these thoughts because i’m worried he would take it the wrong way. i really don’t think i should tell him because i know for a fact it would send us both down a spiral and i don’t want that. but, ocd will always try to get what it wants. anyone else going through something similar? some common humanity would probably ease my mind a bit. (in a non-compulsive way. or maybe this is a compulsion. idk.)

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I thought I hated my friend but I am jealous now

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