Cheating Rocd

Hi... Prepare for a huge txt but I need to vent with someone because I need an opinion of what to do and what to feel. I can't tell if I'm overthinking or not. Or if I'm being a horrible person and I should even feel more guilty. This is about ROCD. I'm gay and I have a gf. We have been dating for almost 5 months and in absolutely in love with her. She's my everything and I'm so afraid to be unfair/cheating. I also have this friend (he's a guy btw) who's overly flirtatious with everyone and he's also super insecure about himself and takes a lot of things people say very personally. I also suffer from a bit of sexual orientation ocd and sometimes I fear that I have a crush on him or something... Even though I don't even want even cuddle him let alone anything else.... We have this joke between us that we are husband and wife (it started before I even knew that my gf confessed feelings for me) and I always feel guilty for not ending the joke with my friend because he'd get depressed and maybe harm himself... And yes! I did tell my gf about this joke and she's OK with it. His nickname is cookie and he started a joke once because I was eating cookies once and he started laughing because... Well... You know what it entails. And sometimes I'm saying I'm eating cookies to make him laugh... But now I regret it because I maybe I'm flirting with him or something. I don't really know what flirting is. I know when I'm flirting with my gf but not if I'm accidentally flirting with others. And flirting for me (yes... This is just my take on it. My choice. But I feel that *me*flirting is cheating and I don't want to do that... I sometimes feel a really tight bond with this friend and it scares me. I try to dismiss my thoughts but they scare me that I may have a crush on him or something... And I don't want that... I just want to love my gf. There was this time... Even before I was dating my gf (but it was after she confessed her feelings for me), I was playing games with cookie (he was watching me), and he said "you are so cute" in a tender voice and I sat there feeling flushed - like those feelings you have when you develop a crush? Idk if I was feeling a crush or not. And I somewhat panicked. I have false memories about that moment. Heck! Maybe I'm just fooling myself that those were false memories. I started feeling worried that I actually was happy with him being this loving to me.... But I do think that I assured myself that i didn't because I don't want to have a romantic relationship him but my memory fails me.... And I have doubts and worries that... I did want to be romantic with him (Im pretty sure I don't but not entirely...) One more event that has been guilt-tripping me is that... Once or twice... I acted or did something "cute" for him to compliment me... I can't remember what! Or maybe I'm having false memories again... And I think it's definitely flirting and therefore cheating! I hate myself... I've been crying and feeling miserable.... And I have been avoiding said friend. I regret so badly ever meeting this friend because I told him that he needs to stop with the lewd jokes about me and he hasn't. I feel like I should break with my gf because she deserves so much better... She's an angel and I don't deserve her. I love her so much... (I don't know if it helps but he's a very loving person and sometimes he says he wants to give me kisses and cuddles and I say "sure" because I don't want to hurt him but I'm always uncomfortable with that idea) Please help me... And please don't hate me... I'm so sorry....

First time posting! My therapist recommended that I give this app a look. Hopefully this isn’t too much to read and a another trigger warning for anyone sensitive to SA and sexual themes (straight and gay). Anyways I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he is my first. During the first year we were together, I actually got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. Was on meds for both but stopped because I didn’t want to be reliant on meds and wanted to overcome them without it. The OCD started off with ROCD. I constantly had thoughts about cheating on him and leaving him because “I’m not his type” or he only got with me because he’s desperate. I freak out sometimes when he looks at my phone because I think that I downloaded a dating app and a notification will pop up. I would constantly ask for reassurance from him and make sure he loved me for who I am. I constantly felt guilty and had anxiety attacks whenever the thoughts came in. The thoughts deceive me into thinking that I’m unhappy with the relationship and that it’s doomed to end. Then it evolved into SO-OCD. A quick backstory was that I always and only had crushes on boys up until college. I went to an art school where most of not all of the girls were part of the LGBT+. I think that influenced me to be more “open” with my sexuality. I had a friend who was a girl who I “developed” a crush on. I’m pretty sure it was because I liked the attention and being influenced by a lot of my friends. What makes me think it was just because of attention was that I never thought about the sexual part. I was very lonely and craved any amount of attention and I was desperately wanting to be loved. I never dated anyone in my life and it showed. I even confessed but she rejected me. Later I was constantly sexualized by who I thought were my friends. I was even molested and groped by a girl while I was drunk and high and was about to pass out. Ever since then I’ve been very cautious around female friends especially if I’ve been drinking. When I was confident enough to go on dating apps I only put interested in men since I was sure I am straight. My SO-OCD makes me not trust the women in my life and not to get close to any female. I have thoughts that I am a lesbian in denial and that I am lying to everyone around me. That I’m leading my boyfriend on and that I should be with a women. Looking at myself in the mirror and imagining a lesbian lifestyle. When I try on certain clothes or get my hair done I think “I look so gay” or “I should get a pixie cut or shave my head so I look more gay”. (I’m sorry if that part offends anyone i’m just repeating my thoughts). I have detailed visions in my head of my having sex with women even though the thought repulses me. I get triggered from looking at a gay couple or even having conversations with a woman in the store. I constantly think that I should ask them out even though I have a boyfriend and I’m not really interested. I even have thoughts of messaging my family and coming out. I feel so guilty looking at my boyfriend and having those thoughts cloud my mind. Recently it’s been getting so bad that I’m convinced im completely gay and that im not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t go to that college and maybe none of these thoughts would happen. I also feel that my OCD is invalidated because of my past. Like the OCD uses it as leverage to validate the intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m never going to get over this sometimes. I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing and understand boyfriend. Even though it is hard to tell him my thoughts he doesn’t judge me at all or take it personally. I feel super guilty whenever I get these thoughts because I love him to death. He means a the world to me and it kills me that I have these thoughts. Couldn’t ask for someone better to fight the OCD battle with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot and hopefully it wasn’t too much at a time. ❤️

hi guys, im really looking for advice right now. this is going to be a super long post with a lot to it so i apologise in advance! i know reassurance isn’t good, but i really feel like sometimes it really confuses you on whether something is bad or not? does that make sense? i’ve been with my bf a while now and when we’re good things are amazing, but when they’re bad they’re bad. long story short, there’s been many incidents where he’s been name calling me, including very degrading words such as “wh*re” and when he called me this a few months ago this summer, i was very upset. he took me out the next day to make it up for me but then i saw messages on his phone between him and his friends of videos & pics of other girls. some were half naked, some had better bodies than me, society’s desired body shape. keep in mind his friend is married and he’s doing this too. anyway- i see my boyfriend send a post of a girl that tried to make a move on him during a night out (which he was honest about) but he sent it to his friend and said he “shagged her” i feel sick even writing this still. he swore on his little brothers life, my life and god he was just joking. but it got to me so so much bc i felt so mentally drained from the previous days argument and now this. my anxiety was sky high after for ages. even now when i think about it i still have doubts. fast forward to two weeks ago, i saw more messages on my bf’s phone of half naked girls (even tho he was apologetic about doing it the first time round and knew how much it impacted my self esteem, confidence and mental health) and i couldn’t stop crying. the worst thing is i said to him show me the messages and he deleted them. there’s been a few incidents last year where he liked other girls pics too and claimed it wasn’t him. idk i believe him but sometimes i dont. like all of this on top of the hurtful things he’s said to me really really get to me so much. we had a convo about it just over a week ago and he promised to do better which is good but i feel the damage is there. anyway, i have very bad rocd in terms of cheating. like me being unfaithful. i constantly avoid other men and interacting with them. like i won’t even walk past them. even opening the doors to delivery drivers give me sm anxiety it makes me sick. i don’t go on social media after a certain time incase i message someone and don’t remember. so last week i had a party, and my fears were still there bc i knew other men will be there and i did avoidance still. but there was a moment when i was taking pics of my aunt and a group of guys walked past me and the attraction felt so real and different to all times before, even the GR. i feel so disloyal even typing this. i feel like i cheated. and im scared that bc this attraction was there (maybe fueled more by the ocd) what if i stepped towards the guys when they walked past? i know i didn’t make contact bc id feel it and id know (even tho im doubting this) but im scared that i stepped towards them out of the attraction which is scaring me so so much. like if i did i cheated right? my friend said no. but i feel so sick. i also feel like feeling the attraction was bad, it felt intense but this may have been ocd mixed in? idk? but then the other part of me is maybe i felt like that subconsciously bc of the issues with my boyfriend? im not sure, i feel very confused at the moment. i have the biggest urge to confess but im scared. i think im more scared because of the times my bf has spoken about other girls etc and he’d do it more. bc one time he said he’d do something with another girl if i did something and after he felt bad when he said it but i feel like its really impacted my nervous system. do i confess? did i cheat?