Cheating Rocd

I have rocd. It’s the worst feeling being with the love of your life and having these thoughts. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and few months and I just wish this disorder wasn’t even a thing. From the start of us being together I knew and felt he was perfect and EVERYTHING I’ve always wanted. I had thoughts about everything you can name of. If I love him or not, do I like other people instead, if he’s ugly, if I like him only because of his looks, comparing other relationships, if he did one thing off or different question if I really know him, thought he was a different person then what I really knew him for, believing and having the thoughts every single one feel real. It’s a nightmare. Because I would literally die on the instead from telling him these things when he never did anything. I have gotten much better with the love, and looks and all that but there’s always new “targets” as me and him say. It’s like I can never truly run away. I think of how easy it is for others in relationships since they don’t have this and I just want that with him. It’s been a year and a few months and yes we’ve went through hell and back and a lot of things have gotten better but not fully. Hopefully soon enough they will and EVRYTHING will be much better. I just want him. I can’t do anything without him like he’s really the first person I only ever imagined a future with. A future that I wanted to be married and have kids and just live a beautiful life with. I want his pain and suffering to end with all these thoughts he’s heard throughout the year. I never mean to hurt him. I never mean to break him. I just want him. I can’t lose him. If you have ROCD, it’s good your here. Get help, get support, talk to someone about this because it will get better. I’ve had my amazing days. 4 days straight! I never had that before but I lost it and trying to get it back. I know I will, just gotta keep trying hard. My boyfriend helps me so much by supporting and telling me “Your ocd is not you, these thoughts aren’t you, ocd attacks anything you care about.” I couldn’t be more lucky to have him. I’m the luckiest girl alive. He makes me feel that way and I just want this to be over already. I love him so much. Idk if this helps anyone with ROCD, but you’re not alone. Search up videos the help understand, pay attention and watch what you can do to fix it because it is. I’m not there yet but I will not give up, so everyone out there with any type of OCD. We can do this. Confidence is key. Don’t give up. We’re all here to help one another, and ofc regular support with friends family and definitely therapy.

rocd is ruining me and my life and my relationship. i feel so disconnected from my boyfriend bc of it and it’s so frustrating but i also feel so numb that i can’t even feel frustrated or upset or anxious or anything bad when the bad thoughts come bc it’s been so excessive over the past couple of months. i don’t feel anything like i use to and i just wish i could love him peacefully and purely the way i use to with no worry or doubt. i feel like he deserves better bc my mind is constantly telling me i want someone else secretly or makes over analyze anything and everything with him or about him and creates so much doubt in my mind. it feels so real to the point that i feel like i’m betraying him and even though i’m not actually DOING anything to him or behind his back or anything it feels like i would be lying and deceiving him to continue being a good girlfriend and just being good to him if that makes sense. like when i’m actually with him or talking to him it’s mostly good im not thinking badly too much but as soon as he’s gone it all comes and it feels like i’m hiding a different, bad, personality from him when he’s not around. he’s such a good person and i’ve done everything to be so good to him bc i want to and he deserves it all. but inside i feel like don’t know myself at all anymore. i want to get past it but i feel like even if i do i’ll feel like i’m hiding a past betrayal from him. i don’t want to lose him. can anyone help with any of this or share ways they’ve gotten past this.

I recently got into a relationship about three months back but him and I have been talking since last year November. This is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and the man I’m with is the sweetest and kindest person to ever exist. Before this I was in a long term abusive relationship and I would go through rocd constantly with thoughts such as I may like someone else or “I should cheat” even if I’m having a conversation with someone of the opposite sex who’s my friend. My boyfriend is currently on his senior trip and I was out with some of my bestfriends, one of them being a guy that I had a little bit of history with but I didn’t want anything from it because he wasn’t compatible in that way but amazing as a friend. While I was hanging out with them I constantly kept getting intrusive thoughts such as oh I should do something or oh I don’t even like my boyfriend and I kept comparing them for the next couple of days. I feel so guilty and disgusting and I know the thoughts aren’t true but I just feel so terrible considering how amazing my boyfriend is. I really do love him infact we’re planning our future together but rocd is just getting in the way. Any kind of advice would be helpful❤️